4 new fathers.

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, “Congratulations, sir. You’re the father of twins!”

“What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!”

Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.

“Wow! That’s incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation.”

An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the
birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, “I don’t believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!”

After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, “I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job….”

Cutting You Off

Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.
“That’s it George! I’ve had it this time.” his wife screamed. “I’m cutting you off forever.”

“That’s impossible,” he replied, “you don’t even know where I’m getting it.”

Why must we learn this?

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, “Why do we have to learn this pointless information””To save lives.” the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” he persisted.”It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school,” replied the professor.

Redneck quickies 28

You might be a rednack if…

You’ve ever re-used a paper plate.

Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.

When you hear someone talking about the king you don’t know whether they’re talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.

You complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make half your guns illegal.

You use a pig for a garbage disposal.

You can’t go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck’s gas cap.

You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.

You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.

Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.

You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.

You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.

You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.

A tornado goes through your trailer’s yard and makes it look neater.

You’ve got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.

You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.

You think “Meals on Wheels” is another name for roadkill.

You spell fertilizer with only 4 letters.

You shot your own 12 point coat rack.

You’ve ever slam-shifted a tractor.