A Brunette's Sac

Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn’t happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.The blondes applauded.

Little Argument

A man and a woman drove along in silence — the quiet part of a nasty argument. Their country drive took them past a farm with a pigpen full of pigs wallowing in the mud.

“Relatives of yours?” she asked sarcastically.

“Yep — those are my in-laws,” he replied.

DUMB Questions Part 3!

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you can’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What do you say if you’re talking to God, and he sneezes?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What if you’re in hell, and you’re mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

Letter

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college.I have been remiss in
writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written
before. I will bring you up to date now, but, before you read on,please sit
down.
YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN OKAY!
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught
fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick
headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the
fire department and the ambulance.
He also visited me at the hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of
the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment
with him. It’s really a basement room, but it’s kind of cute. He is a very fine
boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married.
We haven’t set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy
begins to show.
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to
being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love,
devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor
infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests, and I
carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin
injections I am having daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with
open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious.
Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your
often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that
his skin colour is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I
do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an
important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no
dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in
the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and
there is no man (of any colour) in my life. However, I am getting a ‘D’ in
History and an ‘F’ in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper
perspective.

Yours,
Your Loving Daughter.

Valentine lines

Valentine Card Rejects

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine’s card at the store
In hopes that, later, you’d be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.

6. You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class
Especially when I’m spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I’m fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so’s your ass.

3. You’re a honey. . . and you’re a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo’s “booty”.

2. I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!