New Year’s Resolutions

New Year’s Resolutions for Internet Junkies…

I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily…well, once a week… okay, monthly then…or maybe…
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard
to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
When I hear “Where do you want to go today?” I will not reply “MS Tech Support.”
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”
I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
I will think of a password other than “password.”
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical.
I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er…
I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

A gun for my hubby.

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.

“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.

“Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!”

Burning Bush

Thousands of people flock to the annual Burning Man festival in The Black Rock
Desert north of Reno, Nevada.
At this big hippie festival, people run around naked, drink and do drugs, or
as George W. Bush likes to call it, get ready to run for President.

More Massively Kewl Knock Knock Jokes!!!

Knock, Knock
Who s there?
I know it was you.
Crap.

Knock, knock
Who s there?
A talking pig.
Pigs can t talk.
Neither can penguins, but I can t shut him up! Wait till you get a load of the
dancing candelabra

Knock, knock
Who s there?
You want to buy a kitten?
You want to buy a kitten who?
Make pretty pet.
I m allergic to cats.
Taste good, too?

Knock, knock
Who s there?
You sure you don t want buy a little kitten?
Yes, I m sure.
Could make one cute fuzzy glove?

Knock, knock
Who s there?
Ted Bundy
Ted Bundy who?
Let me in, meat!
No!
I mean Hello I am Santa Claus.
Yay! Santa!

Knock, knock
Who s there?
A Predator drone-launched Hellfire missile.
Saddam, I think it s for you!

Knock, knock
Who s there?
Gandalf the Gray Wizard, friend to hobbits and elves!
Dork-ass loser.
Don t hit me! Don t hit me!

Knock, knock
Who s there?
My mouth is full of spiders.
My mouth is full of spiders who?
I didn t kill the baby. It was made out of popcorn. Popcorn baby! I need a
bucket – my knuckles are melting
Man, you have got to lay off the cough syrup.

Knock, knock
Who s there?
Hitler
Hitler who?
Hitler: German, dictator, mass murderer. Little mustache? One testicle? HEIL
ME! Ring a bell?
I thought you were someone else.
How is that possible? There is only ONE HITLER!
Nope. Went to school with a Nelson Hitler.
You re just trying to annoy me now.
Do you really have just one testicle?
You d think I miss it, but I don t

Knock, knock
Who s there?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
What, and that makes you special?

Knock, knock
Who s there?
Some.
Some who?
Someone telling you knock, knock jokes.

Andy Rooney on…

Andy Rooney on Prisoners.

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I’ll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a tread mill and generate electricity. And, if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the generator.

Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, “Married!” and walking away. Fabric softeners are how wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it’s hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.

Andy Rooney on morning differences.

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And women are thinking, “How can he want me the way I look in the morning?” It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Andy Rooney on cripes.

My wife’s from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.They use words like ‘Cripes’ ‘For Cripes sake.’ Who would that be: Jesus Cripes? The son of ‘Gosh’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’? I’m not making fun of it; You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?

Andy Rooney on Grandmas.

My grandmother has a bumper sticker that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen.’ You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Andy Rooney on answering machines.

Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone’s answering machine? “Hi, it’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are,too. The thought for the day is: “Share the love.” BEEP “Uh, yeah. . .this is the VD clinic calling . . . Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love..”

Andy Rooney on Monica.

Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.

Sex as you get older

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time… and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year… maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, “Well how about you and Grandma now?” His grandfather replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex now.” “What’s oral sex?” the young fellow asked. “Well,” Grandpa said, “She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, ‘F*ck You’, and I holler back, ‘F*ck You too.

Blank Signboard

A priest, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost wrote upon it: “I
pray for all.”
A Solicitor wrote underneath: “I plead for all.”

A doctor added: “I prescribe for all.”

A simple citizen wrote: “I pay for all.”

Redneck Sex Education

The young redneck had just gotten married and, nervous about his wedding night, snuck out and paid his father a visit.”Pop,” he drawled, “Ah’m jest not sure Ah know what t’do.””It’s simple,” said his father.”Remember the stiff thing you used to play with when you were a boy? Just take it out and stick it where yer honey pisses.”Filled with confidence, the boy ran home and, grabbing his baseball bat, threw it in the outhouse.

Fishing Tips

A man has been fishing on the bank of a river for hours without a nibble. A newcomer sits down 25 feet away, baits up and casts out. Not two minutes later, he gets a huge strike and lands a trophy. Again and again he baits, casts out and immediately catches a huge fish. The luckless man is now watching the new guy to see his secret. He sees that the man removes a piece of bait from a jar, inspects it carefully and smells it before putting it on the hook. He walks over to him and asks about the bait.The man replies “This is very special bait indeed. I get it from a friend who is a mortician, he cuts the pussy lips off all the women that he works on. The fish really love ’em”.The luckless man asks “But why do you smell each one?””Well..”he replies, ” he’s a real joker, sometimes he throws an asshole in there”.