Sharing on the train

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.

The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, “Don’t worry, we have plenty of those where I come from.”

The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, “Don’t worry, we have plenty of those where I come from.”

Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying…

Submitted by rt
Edited by yisman

No Jews

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one
night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod –one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, ‘Sorry, no room. The hotel is
full.’ The Jewish lady said, ‘But your sign says that you have vacancies.’ The
desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, ‘You know that we do not admit Jews.
Now if you will try the other side of town…’

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, ‘I’ll have you know I converted
to your religion.’

The desk clerk said, ‘Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus
born?’

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, ‘He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town
called Bethlehem.’

‘Very good,’ replied the hotel clerk. ‘Tell me more.’

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, ‘He was born in a manger.’

‘That’s right,’ said the hotel clerk. ‘And why was he born in a manger?’

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, ‘Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn’t
give a Jewish lady a room for the night!’

Wrong place

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. However, when St. Peter meets him at the gate he says, “Wait a second! You’re in the wrong place! Beat it!”

So, the engineers goes down to Hell, and gets settled in. He soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions there, and begins to make improvements. Before long, there’s running water, flush toilets, escalators, and even air conditioning! The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What! You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have gotten down there. Send him up right away!”

Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue!”

“Oh, yeah?” the Devil replies. “Where are you going to get a lawyer?!”

Top 10 Things Hanson will do when they grow up

#10. Sit on corners and take money people give them to shut them up

#9. Be the next in line to have Michael Jackson’s baby

#8. “Would you like fries with that?”

#7. “Striptease II”

#6. G.L.O.W. (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling)

#5. “Attention K-Mart shoppers, buy a box of kitty litter, and get a hanson CD free!”

#4. Host of MTV’s show “One Hit Wonders”

#3. Plugging the roly-kit, and acne staton on the “Home Shopping Network”

#2. Drinking, a lot of drinking

#1. Settle down, and just try to be good housewives

NOTICE OF REVOCATION

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCETo the citizens of the United States of America,In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The right honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.6. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.”Merde” is French for “sh*t”.8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us bonkers.Thank you for your co-operation.

Three stupid men

There is one man that likes to pee out windows.There is another man that likes to chop off peoples weiners peeing out windows.The last man likes pickles.The first man was peeing out the window.The second man chopped off his weiner.The weiner fell in some green paint and splashed to the ground.The last man picked it up and said oh a pickle and……. ate it.

Ryan’s Wife

Ryan’s wife had recently died and she was being buried. Ryan was sobbing uncontrollably and was being consoled by his friends.

“Don’t worry Ryan, in two or three months you may meet a beautiful lady who will make you happy”

“I know, I know,” says Ryan, “But what am I gonna do tonight?”