I understand

Attorney: Now, Officer, besides the flushed face, the weaving motion, the
staggering gait, and the odor of alcohol emitting from his breath, did you
notice anything else unusual about the defendant before you arrested him?
Officer: Yes. His speech was slick and third–or sick and furled–or I mean he
was very incoherent.
Attorney: I understand.

The heart of a 15 year old

The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg’s physician comes into his room and says, ‘Sol, I’m happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We’re going to send you home tomorrow. You don’t have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like.’ Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife. ‘Doris, you’ll never believe it! I’m completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you’ve never had before – wild, passionate sex! You’ll love it!’ Doris thinks for a minute and says, ‘I don’t know, Sol. I’ve heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don’t want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such sex with you.’ Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor’s office. His doctor tells him, ‘Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I’ll write the note. Let’s see, here’s my prescription pad: ‘Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.’ Now, I’ll just address this. By the way, Sol, what’s your wife’s first name?’ ‘Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, ‘To Whom It May Concern’?’

3 MEN ONE WAS DAMN STUPID

THERE R THREE MEN THAT DIE.GOD SAYS HE WILL GIVE ANOTHER LIFE IF THEY JUMP OF A MOUNATAIN AND SAY SOMETHING THEY WILL BECOME THAT THING.THE FIRST ONE SAYS AIRPLANE AND FLYS AWAY.THE SECOND ONE SAYS BIRD AND FLYS AWAY.THE THIRD ONE THINKS VERY HARD.HE RUNS.HE TRIPS AND SAYS OH CRAP AND TURN IN TO CRAP.

Monica’s Statement is a dandy!

Fresh off of the Associated Press Wire…
AP – Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President
Clinton’s firm denial:
“I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth,
and I can’t stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this
ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.
“This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at
my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will
meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on.
“I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will
ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn’t a finisher, that she quit before
the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am
wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.
“Thank you.”
Monica Lewinsky.

What do you call…

What do you call a man with 10 rabbits up his bum?Warren. What do you call two Canadian lesbians in a canoe?Fur traders. What do you call a lesbian from Alaska?Klondike. What do you call an exhausted bear?Winnie the Pooped! What do you call an independently wealthy woman in Texas?A divorcee. What do you call an intelligent man in the United States?A tourist. What do you call Bob the Mailman after he gets fired?Bob. What do you call boobs on a Girl Scout?Brownie points. What do you call Bob the Mailman after he gets fired?Bob. What do you call boobs on a Girl Scout?Brownie points. What do you call a prostitute who works in Chicago and New York? The tail of two cities. What do you call an Irish homosexual?Gay-lick. What do you call an Italian with an IQ of 180?Sicily. What do you call an obsession with fabric softener?Downey syndrome. What do you call an obsession with goose feathers?Down syndrome. What do you call an outhouse built on quicksand?Trapper John What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish baby?A girl. What do you call an unbelievable story about a basketball player? A tall tale. What do you call a fish without any eyes?FSH What do you call a bear with no ears?B!

Knock Knock 116

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lime!
Lime who?
Lime bean!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lincoln!
Lincoln who?
Lincoln logs!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lion!
Lion who?
Lion down on the job again!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lionel!
Lionel who?
Lionel bite you if you put your head in its mouth!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lisa!
Lisa who?
Lisa a new car from $199 down and $199 a month!