What Kind of animal do you never play cards with?
What Kind of animal do you never play cards with?
Why did the Blonde cross the road? Who cares, what the hell is she doing out of the kitchen!
Dos chinos que andaban de viaje por NY, ya casi no ten an dinero para entrar a un table dance, as que acordaron que s lo uno de ellos entrar a y si el ambiente estaba bien saldr a a decirle al amigo que entrara. El que entr se estaba divirtiendo tanto, acariciando mujeres, barra libre, etc., que se olvid de su camarada. Despu s de una hora, le mand la siguiente nota con un mesero:
“61, 31, 41, / + 31 + 41, 20, 20, 20”.
Al leer eso, el que estaba afuera puso cara de emoci n y entr corriendo al lugar. El mesero se sorprendi de que tan s lo con n meros hubiera entendido el mensaje y, lleno de curiosidad, fue a preguntarle al oriental por su significado.
“Mu sencillo, se senta uno, tenta uno, calenta uno, entle m s tenta uno, m s calenta uno, vente, vente, vente.”
President Bush had his annual physical.
The good news is he is in great shape, amazing shape.
They said his heart beat at rest is down from 52 beats a minute to 47 beats per minute. Which is pretty impressive when you think that Dick Cheney sometimes doesn’t have a heart beat at all.
What’s as light as a feather but takes at least two to carry it?
A conversation, of course!
(From a website of English slogans on Japanese products. Don’t know how true they are. Still worth a laugh, though…)1. “Whenever and everywhere, we can meet our best friend – nature. Take a grip of steering!” (Nissan SUV)2. “When I think about the life in my own way, I need gentle conversations.” (Happy Bun Bun Candy)3. “We introduce you to the ‘Zokki Support System’ Sabrina. She’ll be one your closest friends, and this one will last. Slip on. You feel it. Watch out when you step out with Sabrina. (Sabrina Panty Hose)4. “This product is made from real duck down. Duck do wear the light and warm duck down.” (Down Jacket Aburaysia)5. “Moistens your body rapidly and softens your soul gently. Postonic is life us all.” (Postonic Bottled Water)6. “…with tasty aroma for refined adults.” (Wonda Coffee)7. “Relieve the relief and listen to the angel’s whisper.” (Angel Relief Chocolate and Biscuit)8. “For those who do not have enough time to brush their teeth.” (No Time Chewing Gum)=====
Two Yankees fans are on a train up to Boston to watch their team play the Red Sox. They start making fun of a couple of Red Sox supporters who only have one ticket between the two of them.Just before the conductor appears both Red Sox fans go into the bathroom and lock the door behind them. When the conductor knocks on the door they slip the ticket under the door, the conductor clips it and slides it back under the door and off he goes.On the return journey the Yankees fans decide to pull the same trick and purchase only one ticket for the two of them. They notice that yet again the two Red Sox supporters only have one ticket between them. The Yankees fans realize there is only one bathroom per carriage and quickly take the lead, locking themselves in first, leaving the Red Sox fans with nowhere to go.A minute later the Red Sox fan without a ticket strolls over to the bathroom and knocks on the door.
BECAUSE I’M A GUY Because I’m a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I’m a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.
Because I’m a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.
Because I’m a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.
Because I’m a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart — despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I’m a guy, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger — how the heck could HE know where we’re going?
Because I’m a guy, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t.
Because I’m a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother’s Day is okay, I don’t need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?
Because I’m a guy, I am capable of announcing, “one more beer and I really have to go,” and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I’ll be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What’s the connection?
Because I’m a guy, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.
Because I’m a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I’m a guy, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I’m a guy and this is, after all, the ’90s, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.
A lady’s picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
He says, “No, ma’am, they’re dead.”
Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer
from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and
sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he
calls to one of his apostle’s. “Paul… Paul,” He calls out.
Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the
gathering. “Yes Jesus,how may I serve you” he exclaims. Just
then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul’s right arm off with
his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying “No
one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!”
Jesus once again calls his name. “Paul . . .Paul”, he calls.
Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There
he meets the same gaurd who this time cuts off the left arm, and
both legs and throws him back into the crowd.
Jesus yells out once again , “Paul,…Paul”. Paul , who is now
lying on his back on the ground attempts to roll to the front of
the gathering. The guard seeing this determination and devotion
finally weakens and decides to let Paul speak to Jesus. He
goes over to Paul, picks him up and brings him to the front of
Paul, with tears in his eyes looks up to his savior and speaks,
“Yes Jesus, I am here. What is it I can do for you?”
Jesus looks over the horizon and then to Paul and states, “Oh
nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I could see your house