A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.”The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give. — Cass Daley
Chipped dishes never break.
What happened to the blonde tap dancer? She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Un se or con evidentes se ales de agotamiento f sico se presenta ante el m dico.
“Cada noche que llego a mi casa -explica el paciente- me echo el primero, m s o menos normal. Me echo el segundo y empiezo a sentir cansancio y decaimiento. Al tercero me duele el cerebro y se activan las palpitaciones del coraz n. Ya para el cuarto sudo abundantemente, los dolores de cabeza se vuelven intolerables, el coraz n quiere salirse del pecho. Para el quinto realmente no puedo, doctor, porque los ri ones…”
” P rele, amigo, p rele! Claro que eso tiene que suceder, es l gico, normal.”
“Pero doctor, es que vivo en el sexto y no hay elevador…”
A women accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said: “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. 1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
5. Don’t burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.
6. Don’t discuss yuor problems with him.
7. And most importantly, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her.
“You’re going to DIE” she replied.
Three guys went on a hunting weekend. The first day they all headed out their separate ways, but only the black haired guy had any luck.
Back at the cabin, his 2 buddies asked him how he got the deer. He said, “It was easy. I saw the tracks. I followed the tracks. I saw the deer. I shot the deer.”
The next day, they all headed out again. This time the red-head came back with a deer.
Back at the cabin, the other 2 asked him how he got the deer, to which he replied, “Well, it was just like we were told. I saw the tracks. I followed the tracks. I saw the deer. I shot the deer.”
The third day they headed out again. At the end of the day they all headed back to the cabin, but when the blond guy arrived he was all beaten and bloodied.
“What happened to YOU?” his buddies asked.
“Well,” he said, “I tried to do what you said. I saw the tracks. I followed the tracks. Train hit me!”
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must work in MIS” says the balloonist.
“I do” replies the man. “How did you know.”
“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”
The man below says “you must work in business.”
“I do” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb? A: The light bulb works fine in my office.
A long haul trucker had been on the road for months when he happened by a brothel in Nevada. He walked in and slammed $500 down on the desk and told the madam to bring him her ugliest woman and a baloney sandwich.
She said, “Oh, sir! For that kind of money, I’ll give you the best looking dame in the place and a 7 course dinner!”
He said, “I ain’t horny – just homesick.”