Not BAAAAD

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart
available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants
the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in
for a checkup. The doctor asks him “How are you feeling?” The man replies “Not
BAAAAD!”

A Snake and a Condom

What would you do if you had a condom with a hole in it in one pocket, and a rattle snake in the other pocket? I don’t know either, but I do know that I wouldn’t screw with either one of them

Oscar Mayer Song

Sung to the Oscar Mayer song:

His baloney has a first name,
It’s “I did not inhale.”
His baloney has a second name:
“I wasn’t getting tail.”

He loves to sling it every day,
The White House people all just say,
That Billy Clinton has a way
Of making bullshit sound OK!

Courtroom Laughs

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant’s motion?

Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.

Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.

Witness: I didn’t see no fight.

Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.

Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.

Lawyer: You, too, were shot in the fracas?

Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?

Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?

Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.

Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.

Juror: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.

Judge: I know you, don’t I?

Defendant: Uh, yes.

Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

Preacher and Cabbie

Preacher and Cabbie

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he. I don’t understand, he complained to Saint Peter. I devoted my entire life to my congregation.

Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results, Saint Peter explained. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?

Well, the minister had to admit, some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.

Exactly, said Saint Peter. And when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they prayed nonstop.

Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Tantilazing

Where am I?

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter’s window. The sign said “WHERE AM I ?” in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.’ The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determine the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”