An old man

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini – “I
want to feel your breasts” he exclaimed.

“Get away from me, you crazy old man” she replied.

“I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars,” he says.

“Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!”

“I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS” he stated.

“NO! Get away from me!”

“TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS” he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, “I said
NO!”

“FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts,” he exclaimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough… and $500 IS a lot
of money… “Well, OK… but only for a minute.”

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he
slid his hands underneath and began to feel… then he started saying, “OH MY
GOD… OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD…” while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, “Why do you keep saying, ‘Oh my god, oh my
god’?”

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, “OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD…
OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?”

A Family that Cares

A little girl says, “Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?”

“Why sure you can,” her grandfather replied. As she is sitting on grand dad’s lap she says, “Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?”

“A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog.”

The girl says, “Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?”

Perplexed, her grand dad says, “Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?”

And the little girl says, “‘Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we’re going to Florida!”

The Mermaid

There was three guys that were fishing out in the ocean. After a while of not catching anything,one guy yells,”I’ve got something!” So they all rush over and help pull it in. They pulled for hours until inside the boat was a mermaid.
She plead for them to let her go and when they wouldn’t , she said, ” I’ll grant you each one wish if you let me go.

THe men agreed.

THe first guy said, Make me three times smarter than I already am.Poof, and then he started quoting shakespear perfectly.

The second guy seeing this said make me 10 times smarter. poof and then he figured out math problems that famous mathemations had been pondering for years.

The third guy said, make me 20 times smarter. The mermaid said, sir consider that carefully. He didn’t listen to her and said, make me twenty times smarter!

And poof, he turned into a woman.

Heartbreaking letter from the Internet

This just breaks my heart… please pass it on somore can help this unfortunate child…> Dear Friend:> I am a very sick boy little boy. My mother is typing> this for me, because I can’t. She is crying.> Don’t cry, Mommy! Mommy is always sad, but she says> it’s not my fault. I asked her if it was God’s fault,> but she didn’t answer, and only started crying harder,> so I don’t ask her that anymore.> The reason she is so sad is that I’m so sick. I was> born without a body. It doesn’t hurt, except when I go> to sleep.> The doctors gave me an artificial body. My body is a> burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that> was the best they could do on account of us having no> money or insurance. I would like to have a body> transplant, but we need more money.> Mommy doesn’t work because she said employers don’t> hire crying people. I said, “Don’t cry, Mommy,” and she> hugged my burlap body. Mommy always gives me hugs, even> though she’s allergic to burlap, and it chafes her real> bad.> I hope you will help me. You can help me if you> forward this e-mail. Dr. Johansen said if you forward> this e-mail then Bill Gates will team up with AOL and> do a survey with NASA. Then the astronauts will collect> prayers from school children all over America and take> them up to space so that the angel can hear them> better. Then they will go to the Pope, and he will take> up a collection in church and send the money to the> doctors. The doctors could help me better then.> Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Or> maybe just use my lungs and heart, when the doctors> make them. The doctors said that every time you forward> this letter, the astronauts can take another prayer to> the angels. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want> a body. I don’t want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.> If you don’t forward this e-mail, that’s OK. Mommy> says you’re a mean heartless shithead who doesn’t care> about a poor little boy with only a head.> She says that if you don’t stew in the raw pit of> your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long> slow horrible death so you can burn forever in hell.> What kind of goddamned person are you that you can’t> take five minutes to forward this to all your friends so> that they can feel guilt and shame for the rest of> their day, and then maybe help a poor, bodiless> nine-year-old boy?> Please help me. This really sucks. I try to be happy> but it’s hard. I wish I had a puppy. I wish I could> hold a puppy.> Thank You.> Billy ‘Smiles’ Evans,> The boy with just a head.> And a burlap sack for a body.

Sitting on the porch

Two elderly widows were sitting on the prch when one asks the other, “Do you still get horny?”
“Of course!” Replied the other.
“What do you do about it,” the first one inquired.
“I suck a lifesaver.”
“But…who drives you to the beach?”

chinese bar

a man walks into a bar and says i want a beer with a side o f a coke the chinese waitergoes and pees in the coke and comes back with the coke and beer the guy takes a sip of coke and sprays it out in disgust and the waiter dances around chanting me chinese me no joke me go peepee in your coke this happens to two more people before a cowboy comes in same thing happens and after the chinese man gets done with his little chant of his the cowboy pulls him by the colar and whispers into his ear me cowboy me shoot fast me shott bulets up your____

Mother’s Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going
to let de children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order
dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate
the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful
even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.

Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time
you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling
it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles
so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not
upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman
jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she
begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a
sponge.”