What Next?

We did sex education at school, and were shown various films on the subject, one I especially remember was the ‘how to put on a condom’So when the time came, and I was in the position to try out what i learned at school, I took the condom and followed the instructions from the video.All was going well, when she said ‘So, now what do we do with the banana ??’

Crabs

One day an english guy was wearing a thong bathing suit. He
layed in the grass all day. He woke up and his dick was itching.
He realized ne nad crabs. “I’ve got crotch feasants.” he told
his girlfriend. “SO just shave the hair off.”
So he went home got a razor and started shaving.While he was
shaving he cut his penis and his scrotum off. He went to the
doctor and he said he could perform surgery to give him a
vagina. But in would take weeks to get all of his dead insides
out. So they gave him knock out gas. He woke up a week later
feeling like he had wild sex. And the doctor came in getting
dressed. “Oh you’re up well your all set.” he said. “why do I
feel like I’ve been having wild sex?”
“Well to tell you the truth it only took me one day to fix you.
But I gave you female hormones you grew breast and longer hair.
So I had sex with you and gave you a home pregnancy test. And
we’ll have a child nine months from last tuesday.”

The burnt blonde!

A blonde goes to a doctor and tells him that both her ears are burnt.
‘Sit down and tell me how it happened,’ said the doctor.

‘Well, I was ironing my clothes when I received a phone call, and instead of picking the phone, I picked up the iron and burnt my ear!’

‘Okay, I see…But that’s one ear – what about the other?’

‘They called again!!’

Top 17 Excuses for Not Releasing an Album for 20 Years

This is from the Top Five List at http://www.topfive.com. Steely Dan, has just released their first album of new music since 1980.17> Just emerged from the bomb shelter, figuring 20 years was enough time for the noxious fumes of disco to subside.16> It started out as a simple Chinese finger cuff prank, then the next thing you know…15> Hey — traffic in L.A. is a bitch!14> Hunting down that infidel Salman Rushdie not as easy as it sounds.13> “Hey Nineteen” turned out to be more like “Hey Fourteen-and-a-Half,” and there were some, er, legal issues to resolve.12> Spent the last two decades reelin’ in the beers.11> “All I can say is, never get in a pissing contest with Boston.”10> Spent every night of the last 20 years at the Wintergarden, watching CATS. 9> Were waiting for an invitation to join the Traveling Wilburys. 8> Stuck trying to find a word that rhymes with “marsupial.” 7> Been in mourning ever since the Sons of the Pioneers started dropping like flies. 6> Twenty year ban on literate, well-crafted songs recently lifted by UN. 5> Busily supplying sperm for lesbian rock singers like modern-day Johnny Appleseeds. 4> Producer kept insisting on bringing Yoko to the recording sessions. 3> Will to live only recently re-awakened by potent Viagra/Parker Posey therapy. 2> Took a while to convince Mom to park on the street and free up the garage….and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Excuse for Not Releasing an Album for 20 Years… 1> Repeatedly seduced by that wanton temptress known as the snooze button.

English Pub Joke

Bar Joke

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: – I reckon he’s an accountant.

Stuart: – No way – he’s a stockbroker.

Dave: – He ain’t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn’t come in
here!

The argument repeats itself until they are all drunk. Dave goes to the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder .
>>
Dave: – ‘Scuse me…. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: – No offence taken! I’m a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: – Oh! What’s that then?

Suit: – I’ll try to explain by example … Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: – Er… mmm… well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: – Well, it’s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

>> Dave: – It’s in a pond!

>> Suit: – Well it’s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: – As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

>> Suit: – Well then it’s logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: – As it happens I’ve got a five bedroom house ….. built it myself!

Suit: – Well given that you’ve built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: – Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: – Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: – Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: – Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate (wank) very often?

Dave: – Do what? Not me mate!

Suit: – Well there you are! That’s logical science at work!

Dave: – How’s that then?

Suit: – Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I’ve told you about your sex life!

Dave: – I see! That’s pretty impressive … thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: – I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: – Yep! He’s a logical scientist!

Stuart: – What’s that then?

Dave: – I’ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: – Nope

Dave: – Well then, you’re a wanker.

What is God’s name?

A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what God’s name was. ‘Oh that’s easy,’ the man replied, ‘His name is Andy.’ ‘What make you think his name is Andy?’ the angel asked incredulously. ‘Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.’

Manolo llega a la taquilla

Manolo llega a la taquilla del cine y en cinco ocasiones compra el mismo boleto. Viendo que es el mismo tipo, el taquillero, entremetido, le cuestiona:

” Bueno, se or, ya es la quinta vez que compra boleto! Qu le pasa?”

” Co o, con un carajo, es que cada vez que entro me lo rompen!

What’s the difference between an opera and an operetta?

Operas are usually sung through, having little or no spoken dialogue. Operettas are less serious, with frothy, sentimental plots that have happy endings. They have spoken dialogue and simpler, easier to whistle music. They also tend to have more dancing than do operas. It’s from operettas that the modern musical evolved.