Chelsea’s Letter Home

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been six months since I left for college. I’m sorry I
haven’t written more often and I’m very sorry for my
unthoughtfulness. I’m sure you have been worried about me.

Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit
down Ok? Don’t read any further unless you’re sitting down.

Ok? Good.

I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory
when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much
healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always
said the girls in our family heal fast.

In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get
headaches three times a day now.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were
witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911.
He’s so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I
had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind
enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It’s really
a basement room, but it’s kind of cute.

He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen
deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven’t set
the exact date yet, but I’m sure that it will be before I start
to show. That’s right, Mom and Dad, I’m pregnant! I know how
much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know
that you will give that baby the same love, devotion and tender
care you gave me when I was growing up.

We would get married now, but we both failed our premarital
blood tests because of some minor infection. He told me about it
beforehand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to
worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections
should clear it up by next month.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He
is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious — just
like Dad!

Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I
know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you
won’t mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I’m
sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good
too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his
native African village. That’s an important government position
where he comes from. Well, I guess that’s all! Now you know why
I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter.

Now that I’ve brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you
know there was no dormitory fire, I didn’t suffer a concussion
or a skull fracture, I wasn’t in the hospital, I’m not pregnant,
I’m not engaged, I don’t have syphilis and there is no boyfriend
of another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote for
Gov. Bush, and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper
perspective.

Your loving daughter,

-Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great… I love it, though I miss you both
terribly…and Socks, too!

P.P.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica and the others.

Un borracho que caminaba se

Un borracho que caminaba se tropezaba con todos los postes de la vereda y un transe nte le dice:

“Pero, qu est haciendo?”

” Puede contar cu ntos chichones tengo?”

“12 chichones.”

“Entonces me faltan 2 postes para llegar a mi casa.”

Divorce Time

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, “I want you to help me get a divorce.

The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.

My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.”

“What do you mean?” asked the attorney. “Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?”

“No,” replied the woman, “and neither does the little queer.”

Ponder these!

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip’s Screwdriver?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is a wise man and wise guy opposites?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Have you ever noticed…. Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Suppose you were an idiot… And suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh….I could be eating a slow learner.

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?

Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?

When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

Merle goes out drinking every night…

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would
spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around
midnight each night.

He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the
door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let
him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant
nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued
his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior and was
particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened and said, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently
when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving
words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways.”

The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he
arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in.

Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and
led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet
up on the ottoman, and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started
to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, “It’s pretty
late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think.”

At that, in his inebriated state he replied, “I guess we might as well. I’ll
get in trouble when I get home anyway!”

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses…

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 Light breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend’s/husband’s ex – who has gained 30 lbs.
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

Swapping

Two couples who have been friends for years decide to spend the weekend at a fancy hotel.

When they get there, one of the husbands suggests they get a little wild and swap partners.

After two hours of solid sex by the fireside, the man turns to his new partner and says, Wow! This is the best sex I ve had in years.

Yeah, his new companion agrees.

I wonder how the girls are doing.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo