The Wizrd of Oz

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly, and says, “I had a terrible timewith
Iran, so I’ve come for some courage.” “No problem,” says the Wizard.”Who’s
next?”

Ronald Regan steps forward and says, “W-well, w-w-well, Ineed a
newbrain..” “Done,” says the Wizard. “Who comes next before the
GreatWizard?” Up steps George Bush with a sad look on his face.”I’m told
by the American people that I need a heart.” “I’ve heard that it’s true”
says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

Then there is a long silence…….Bill Clinton is just standing
there looking around, but hasn’t said a word. This irritates the Wizard,
and he speaks with a loud voice, “What brings you to the Emerald City?” To
which Clinton replied, “Umm, is Dorothy around?”

Question answer

What did they call Dracula when he won the league?The champire! Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?Paul gas coin! Manager: I’ll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year’s time?Young player: OK, I’ll come back in a year’s time!Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?Captain: Well, it could have been worse.Manager: How?Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!

Potato Marriage

One night, the Potato family – Mother Potato and her three daughters – sat down to dinner. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. “Mother Potato?” she said. “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?”

“I’m marrying a Russet!”

“A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”

As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother, I too, have anannouncement.”

“And what might that be?” asked Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!”

“You, too!”Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, middle daughter?”

“I’m marrying an Idaho,” beamed the middle daughter.

“An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. “Mother? Mother Potato?

Umm, I, too, have anannouncement to make.”

“Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

“Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her,”I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!”

“Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. “All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, youngest daughter, dear?”

“I’m marrying Dan Rather!”

“Dan Rather?!”

Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”

Football Fan To The

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he writes in his notebook. “But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replies.”Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were,” says the reporter.”Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack,” he writes in his notebook. “I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy says. “I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?” the reporter asks. “I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child says. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,  “Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet”.

Just Looking Around

A blind man walks into a grocery store with his guide dog. All of the sudden he stops walking, the manager of the store begins to take notice of him, then the blind man swings the dog around and around above his head. The manager asks him what his is doing the blind man replies, “Just looking around.”

New Rules!

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

The Lie Detector Test

A blonde goes to a lie detector test where instead of it beeping it makes them explode.When she gets there she meets a red haired girl and a brown haired girl.The red haired girl goes first.She says i’m the prettiest girl in the world.She explodes.Next went the brown haired girl.She says i’m the sexiest girl in the world.She explodes.Finally the blonde goes.She says I think.She explodes.