Age…

  • Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
  • Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
  • Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
  • You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
  • Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
  • One of life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
  • My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
  • Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.
  • God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
  • It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
  • I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
  • There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
  • Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.
  • The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
  • Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
  • Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
  • Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
  • I don’t mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
  • Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
  • It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
  • Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
  • Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
  • Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.