Author Archives: Admin

Describe professions

What does your profession say about you?

1. MARKETING – You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to
avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and
socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least
compatible with Sales.

2. SALES – Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a
degree.” You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and
begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you
can “concentrate on the big picture.” You seek admiration for your golf game
throughout your life.

3. TECHNOLOGY – Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are
instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace.
Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell.
It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4. ENGINEERING – One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is
said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be
happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest “ergo dynamic”
gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel
syndrome.”

5. ACCOUNTING – The only other sign that studied in school. You
are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the
organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of
rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6. HUMAN RESOURCES – Ironically, given your access to confidential
information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly
the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to
return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then
mail a letter.

7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT – Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless,
you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable
to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of
meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle
Managers” as everyone in you social circle is a “Middle Manager.”

8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT – (See above – Same sign, different title)

9. CUSTOMER SERVICE – Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride
from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a
little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play
“Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to
sleep with your manager.

10. CONSULTANT – Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid
revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your
“skills” are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other
organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these
career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11. RECRUITER, “HEADHUNTER” – As a “person” that profits from the success of
others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on
commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks
correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO – You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to
figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13. GOVERNMENT WORKER – Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius
inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep
depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job… Thus
the term “GO POSTAL”

The Wizrd of Oz

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly, and says, “I had a terrible timewith
Iran, so I’ve come for some courage.” “No problem,” says the Wizard.”Who’s
next?”

Ronald Regan steps forward and says, “W-well, w-w-well, Ineed a
newbrain..” “Done,” says the Wizard. “Who comes next before the
GreatWizard?” Up steps George Bush with a sad look on his face.”I’m told
by the American people that I need a heart.” “I’ve heard that it’s true”
says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

Then there is a long silence…….Bill Clinton is just standing
there looking around, but hasn’t said a word. This irritates the Wizard,
and he speaks with a loud voice, “What brings you to the Emerald City?” To
which Clinton replied, “Umm, is Dorothy around?”

Question answer

What did they call Dracula when he won the league?The champire! Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?Paul gas coin! Manager: I’ll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year’s time?Young player: OK, I’ll come back in a year’s time!Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?Captain: Well, it could have been worse.Manager: How?Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!

Potato Marriage

One night, the Potato family – Mother Potato and her three daughters – sat down to dinner. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. “Mother Potato?” she said. “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?”

“I’m marrying a Russet!”

“A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”

As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother, I too, have anannouncement.”

“And what might that be?” asked Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!”

“You, too!”Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, middle daughter?”

“I’m marrying an Idaho,” beamed the middle daughter.

“An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. “Mother? Mother Potato?

Umm, I, too, have anannouncement to make.”

“Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

“Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her,”I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!”

“Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. “All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, youngest daughter, dear?”

“I’m marrying Dan Rather!”

“Dan Rather?!”

Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”

Football Fan To The

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he writes in his notebook. “But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replies.”Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were,” says the reporter.”Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack,” he writes in his notebook. “I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy says. “I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?” the reporter asks. “I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child says. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,  “Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet”.

Just Looking Around

A blind man walks into a grocery store with his guide dog. All of the sudden he stops walking, the manager of the store begins to take notice of him, then the blind man swings the dog around and around above his head. The manager asks him what his is doing the blind man replies, “Just looking around.”

New Rules!

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

The Lie Detector Test

A blonde goes to a lie detector test where instead of it beeping it makes them explode.When she gets there she meets a red haired girl and a brown haired girl.The red haired girl goes first.She says i’m the prettiest girl in the world.She explodes.Next went the brown haired girl.She says i’m the sexiest girl in the world.She explodes.Finally the blonde goes.She says I think.She explodes.