When Clinton was running for office he claimed that he had never used
marijuana. He admitted to having a joint in his mouth, but explained that
he never inhaled.
It seems that he now claims he never had sex with Monica Lewinsky,
Apparantly she didn’t swallow.
After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. “Doctor,” he said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.” “Nonsense,” the doctor said.”Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.” “It isn’t possible,” the man insisted.”We’re pure Asian.” “Well,” said the doctor, “let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?” The man seemed ashamed.”I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month.” “There you have it!” the doctor said confidently.”It’s just rust.”
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three…one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W’s.
Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
Q: What did the blonde’s mum say to her before the blonde’s date.
A: If you’re not in bed by 12, come home.
Q: What’s the Blonde’s cheer?
A: ” I’m blonde, I’m blonde, I’m B-L-O-N….ah, oh well.. I’m blonde, I’m blonde, yea yea yea…”
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby’s diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it “good for up to 20 pounds.”
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: “Nice tits!”
A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the man’s head, and the wife shouted, “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? He did! Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He did! Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for? He does!”
The husband, looked over at the cab driver and said, “What would you do in a case like this?”
The cabby said, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches cold.”
Q: How many sales directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: (pause) I get it! This is one of those lightbulb jokes, right?
How do you know a blonde secretary s having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can’t find her pencil.
Yo mama so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater.
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said “yes.”
When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands.
When he got back to class his teacher asked, “What do you have in your hand?”
The boy said, “A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he’ll get scared and run away.”
The teacher asked him to open his hand, he refused, saying, “He will get scared and run away.”
Then his teacher yelled, “Open your hand!”
So, he opens his hand and said, “Look, you scared the crap out of him!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
A white guy and a black guy died and were on their way up to Heaven and they had to stop at the Pearly Gates before they could enter. So the Angel Gabriel was there waiting for them, and he told them that they had to do something before they could go anywhere.
He told the white guy to pull down his pants, so he did and Gabriel grabbed his dick and squeezed. It instantly melted. The white screamed in pain, and was sent downstairs.
Gabriel told the black guy to do the same, and he grabbed his dick and squeezed but nothing happened.
When Gabriel asked him why it didn’t affect him, he said, “This is the type of chocolate that melts in your mouth and not in your hands”.