Category Archives: Funny Jokes

Free funny text jokes

Viagra Prescription

A man goes to his doctor to get a prescription for Viagra. The
doctor looks over the man and says, “Viagra can be very
dangerous and we do not just dispense it indiscriminately.
Please bring your wife to my office next week and we’ll discuss
this in more detail.”

So the next week the man shows up with his wife. The doctor asks
to see the wife by herself for a few moments. So she follows him
back to the examining room. The doctor asks her to disrobe and
she does. He then asks her to turn around a few times. He then
instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in
various positions. He then tells her that she can get dressed,
then goes out to meet the man. “Sir,” the doctor says, “There is
nothing wrong with you. I couldn’t get an erection either!”

1998 Darwin Awards

1998 DARWIN AWARD nominations:The Darwin Awards are annually bestowed upon (the remains of) individuals who have given their all in an effort to improve our gene pool. The Darwin Awards applaud those who have made the ultimate sacrifice of killing themselves by the most extraordinarily stupid means. The Awards commemorate those who find innovatively moronic ways of killing themselves, thereby helping to eliminate undesirable weaknesses from the human gene pool. GRAVITY KILLS … A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County (Virginia) police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped … and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.”The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,” Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was ”major trauma.” An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week. LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY … Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several – hundred – thousand -gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands of feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats. DON’T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT … A lawyer and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were in the front. This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: ”HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!” Needless to say, God delivered [well, wouldn’t you?]. The other two passengers on the boat survived and are said to have immediately joined the Ministry. CATCH! … A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal, you may say, but there’s a twist here that makes him a Darwin Award candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Award candidate) was hospitalized. THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU … Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone, more or less. He was doing the usual ”walking and talking” when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time. GIMME A LIGHT! … In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition -lights, power, etc.After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as ”bright” by his peers. And………………. The first candidates for the 1999 Darwin Awards have been nominated.And so, without further ado, the first candidates for ’99: MAN DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va.A 39-year-old Charlottesville man died Thursday in a freak accident involving his washing machine. According to police reports, Samuel Randolph Strickson was doing laundry when he tried to speed up the process. Strickson apparently tried to stuff approximately 50 pounds of laundry into his washing machine by climbing on top of the washer and attempting to force the clothing into the basin. Strickson then apparently accidentally kicked the washing machine’s ON button. When the machine turned on, Strickson lost his balance and both feet went down into the machine, where they got stuck. The machine started its cycle, and Strickson, unable to free himself, started thrashing around as the machine’s agitator went into gear. Strickson’s head banged against a nearby shelf in the laundry room, knocking over a bottle of bleach, which poured over Strickson’s face, blinding him. Forensic reports say Strickson apparently also swallowed some of the bleach. He then vomited, but was still unable to free himself. Strickson’s dog, then apparently came into the laundry room. At about the sametime, according to police, a large box of baking soda fell from the shelf, startling the dog, who then urinated. Urine, like vinegar, is acidic, and the chemical reaction between the urine and the baking soda resulted in ”a small explosion,” according to police reports. The dog, however, escaped unharmed. Strickson remained stuck in the washing machine, which eventually went into its high speed spin cycle, spinning Strickson around at about 70 miles per hour, according to forensic experts. Strickson’s head then smashed against a steel beam behind the washing machine, immediately killing him. A neighbor heard the commotion and called 911, but Strickson was pronounced dead at the scene. More nominees………….. (AP) LOS ANGELES – Police officials would not release the name of a Pacoima man who was found dead yesterday after responding to complaints from neighbors that a bad smell was coming from his apartment.Upon entering the apartment, officers were surprised to see that every square inch of the apartment, including appliances and even the inside of the toilet, were covered with pornographic images cut from magazines. ”The visual effect was very unsettling,” said Officer Hradj of the Pacoima Police. ”Because everything looked the same, you could not tell where one wall ended and a doorway began.” The surprises did not end there, however. Police described the manas having ”concocted a wire frame around his head” upon which he had taped various pornographic images, apparently so he could freely move about his apartment without ever losing his clasp view of nude bodies. Small slits had been cut into the paper so he could find his way, but according to Hradj, ”He had almost no peripheral vision. He could barely see a thing.” The man was found nude with this wire frame entangled in a hanging lamp. ”We think he had been dusting,” said another police officer, ”because a feather duster was lying nearby, and his head gear had somehow become caught in the lamp, which was chained to the ceiling.” The man allegedly choked to death trying to extricate himself from his predicament. According to his apartment manager, the white male in his mid-30’s never left his apartment, and had food delivered weekly.Funeral services are planned for next week. His next of kin requested that his name be withheld. FROM THE FROZEN NORTH COUNTRY: A young Inuit man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Attackin’ Trees

There was a police officer sitting on the side of the road, just
watching the cars go by when he sees this car. Its is swirving
left to right left to right non-stop, cutting cars off every
where. So the police man decides to follow it. After some time of
the car still doing it he decides its getting out of hand and
pulls the car over. He gets out of his car and walks up to the
car asking if the woman had a problem. She replies, ” Oh yes
Officer. I am so glad you are here. I keep swirving left and
right because I keep almost
hitting trees where ever I go, so I move but they are over
there, they are EVERY WHERE!.” The Police officer looks at her
and replies…”Ma’am, isn’t that you air-freshener?”

Knock Knock 139

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Oliver!
Oliver who?
Oliver troubles are over!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Olivia!
Olivia who?
Olivia but I lost the key!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Olivier!
Olivier who?
Olivier but I’ve lost my key!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ollie!
Ollie who?
Ollie time you say that, I wish you would cut it out!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Oman!
Oman who?
Oman, you are cute!

Argument

There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. “But it ended,” he said, “when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees.” “What did she say?” asked the friend. The husband replied, “She said, ‘Come out from under that bed, you coward!'”

What to do if Jehova’s witnesses appear at your do

1. Actually invite them in, lead them to the kitchen and sit
them down in front of the fridge, saying, “why don’t you talk to
this, it will probably find you much more exciting than anyone
else will”.

2. Run about the house screaming “THE MESSIAH! THE MESSIAH HAS
RETURNED!”. After about five minutes of this, calmly walk to the
door and throw yourself prostrated to the ground until they
leave, terrified.

3. Hand them a case saying GOD’S REFERALS on it, muttering under
your breath “nice disguise, but lose the anorak” in your best
James Bond accent.

4. Exclaim in your best Italian Mafia voice “Jehova? but I was
cleared of that case three years ago!”.

5. Open the door in a hurry, run out of the house brushing past
them and pelt it down the road. Get your wife or husband or
anyone of the opposite sex to then lean out of the door shaking
their fist and shouting “And good riddance to y’all!”.

6. Put on a fake white beard and a nightie with “JESUS” written
on it and complain about how they are acting or how they are
dressed in as many ways as possible.

Rules for Dogs

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark— a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark…LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing.HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don’t injure yourself. CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never— quite— catch them. It spoils all the fun