Category Archives: Funny Jokes

Free funny text jokes

En un matrimonio, el hombre

En un matrimonio, el hombre se quejaba ante su mujer de c mo Dios deber a ser m s equitativo en los roles adjudicados a la pareja.

” Dios m o, ten compasi n de m , mira c mo trabajo tanto, en cambio mi mujer tan tranquila en la casa! Yo dar a cualquier cosa para que hicieras un milagro y convirtieras a mi mujer en m y yo en mi mujer, para que ella aprenda como es la vida de un hombre.

El Creador, en su infinita misericordia, le concedi el milagro. El primer d a en la ma ana corre a levantar los muchachos para que se alisten, a la vez que en la cocina estaba preparando el desayuno para todos, con el que prepar las loncheras, no sin antes haber colocado una ropa en la lavadora y sacar de la nevera lo del almuerzo. Por un lado, termin esta tarea y se subi en el carro a llevarlos al colegio; de regreso pas a surtir de gasolina al carro e ir al banco a cambiarle un cheque al marido.

Al salir de all pudo notar que las horas hab an transcurrido a velocidad luz, por lo que corri velozmente de nuevo a recoger los hijos al colegio; con la misma lleg a la casa para preparar el almuerzo, apurada, para cuando llegaran todos no encontraran retraso en el mismo. Despu s de ste, tuvo que lavar los platos y tender la ropa antes de ir a pagar la luz, el agua y el tel fono donde hab a unas enormes colas a morir, lo que le hizo regresar a las 6:30. Quiso relajarse un poco viendo TV, pero hab a que preparar la cena y planchar una ropita que estaba pendiente y ayudar a los muchachos con la tarea de la escuela.

Por fin, lleg la hora del descanso y a dormir, cosa que no pudo lograr tan r pidamente por que all estaba el marido esper ndola para que cumpliera tambi n con sus deberes de mujer en la cama. Al d a siguiente volvi a clamar a Dios:

” Se or m o, realmente esto es agotador, te ruego me devuelvas a mi condici n normal, por favor!”

Amorosamente se escucha una voz celestial:

“Claro que s , hijo m o, pero tendr s que esperar nueve meses porque anoche quedaste embarazado”.

the magic mirror

angie was looking into her mirror naked after sex and she said
aloud
“i wish my boobs were the same size as pam andersons” then
suddnly her boobs grew
“wow” she shouted and ran to show her boyfriend.
he came running up to the mirror and said “i wish my dick
touched the ground” and the next thing he new his legs fell
off!!!!

hey-hey plz rate my joke

Santa’s Bitter

T’was the night before Christmas – Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works

I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of “Thanks Santa” – what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money – The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes – if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days – they all are the pits
They want the impossible …Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s – No request for them
They want computers and robots…they think I’m IBM!

If you think that’s bad…just picture this
Try holding those brats…with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose – they grab at my beard
And if I don’t smile..the parents think I’m weird

Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job…there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There’s no Christmas this year…now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I’m going SOUTH for the season!!

I understand

Attorney: Now, Officer, besides the flushed face, the weaving motion, the
staggering gait, and the odor of alcohol emitting from his breath, did you
notice anything else unusual about the defendant before you arrested him?
Officer: Yes. His speech was slick and third–or sick and furled–or I mean he
was very incoherent.
Attorney: I understand.

The heart of a 15 year old

The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg’s physician comes into his room and says, ‘Sol, I’m happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We’re going to send you home tomorrow. You don’t have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like.’ Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife. ‘Doris, you’ll never believe it! I’m completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you’ve never had before – wild, passionate sex! You’ll love it!’ Doris thinks for a minute and says, ‘I don’t know, Sol. I’ve heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don’t want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such sex with you.’ Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor’s office. His doctor tells him, ‘Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I’ll write the note. Let’s see, here’s my prescription pad: ‘Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.’ Now, I’ll just address this. By the way, Sol, what’s your wife’s first name?’ ‘Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, ‘To Whom It May Concern’?’

3 MEN ONE WAS DAMN STUPID

THERE R THREE MEN THAT DIE.GOD SAYS HE WILL GIVE ANOTHER LIFE IF THEY JUMP OF A MOUNATAIN AND SAY SOMETHING THEY WILL BECOME THAT THING.THE FIRST ONE SAYS AIRPLANE AND FLYS AWAY.THE SECOND ONE SAYS BIRD AND FLYS AWAY.THE THIRD ONE THINKS VERY HARD.HE RUNS.HE TRIPS AND SAYS OH CRAP AND TURN IN TO CRAP.