Category Archives: Funny Jokes

Free funny text jokes

Bear hunting

There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear.

The hunter’s shock was increased when the bear spoke to him, “You are hunting me, I’ll bet”, said the bear. “You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the ass!”

The hunter didn’t want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.

The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.

The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear!

Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly’s offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, “You’re not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?

Man in California

Once there was a man in California. He was standing on a beach when God appeared to him.

God said, “You’ve been a good man all your life and now I want to grant you one wish. Go ahead and wish for whatever you want.”

The man thought for a minute and then replied: “You know, I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii. Could you build me a highway to Hawaii so that I can drive there whenever I want?”

God exclaimed, “That’s impossible! The logistics….the engineering… I can’t do that! Wish for something else.”

So the man told God, “I’ve never been able to understand women. Could you give me the power to understand women?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Rocketman

The Blonde And the TV

There was a blonde doing her morning jogging and she came across to a pawn shop so she decided she wanted to go in. So she went in and asked the man if she could buy that TV. So the man said he dont sale to dumb blondes. So she went to get her hair color changed and went back into the pawn shop and asked the man if she could buy that TV the man said he dont sale to dumb blondes. So she went changed her whole wardrobe and her hair again and went back in to the pawn shop and asked if she could buy the TV and the guy said he dont sale to dumb blondes. Finally she got tired of changing everthing so she yelled How come you wont let me buy this TV and the man said because its not a tv its a Microwave

Bush at the Wheel

Bush at the Wheel
Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of this incident… Back in
his party days, Dubya got behind the wheel after a few too many. He
started the car and stepped on the gas. He was driving for a while, when
suddenly a white ghost face appeared in the window. George saw it and
began screaming. He stepped on the gas harder, but the face floated right
in the window. George floored it – the speedometer read 110mph but the
face did not disappear. A white hands gestured for him to roll down the
window. Not knowing what else to do, he rolled it down slowly. The
wrinkled old face smiled and said, “Do you want help getting out of the


The salesmen in my neighborhood are amazing.

I’ll never know how they manage to get through the barbed wire.

Agony uncle

If agony aunts were uncles:

Reader: My husband-to-be ,still pines for his old girlfriends. I’m afraid he will not be faithful.

Jim: A man’s capacity to love is boundless, it has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice. expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of has behavior.

Reader: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

Jim: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.

Reader: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

Jim: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing – your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get mum involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.

Reader: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

Jim: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but with only 10 calories a spoonful it is nutritious and helps you to keep tour figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present and cook him a nice meal.

Reader: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.

Jim: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget, you may wish to video yourself while doing this and to sell it at a car boot sale. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice, expensive present and cook a delicious meal.

Invisible man

Superman is flying through the skys of metropolis and he thinks to himself “im feeling kinda horny!”just as he thinks that he sees wonder woman sunbathing naked,he thinks BINGO!!”I can fuck her without her knowing!”So he flies down does the buisness and flies off,wonder woman sits up with a startled look on her face and she says “What was that?”then the invisible man says “I dont know but my arse is killing me!”

Q: How many Sagittarians

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?


For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a
survey. So it wouldn’t be a boring project, he chose to find out peoples’
favorite pastimes.
The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people,so he started out his
project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.
He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
“Sir, what is your name?” asked the student
“Sir, I’m doing a school study and would like to know what your favorite
pastime is?”
“Watching bubbles in the bath,” came the reply.
He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to
the next door, when he asked again.
“Sir,what is your name?”
“Sir, would you please tell me your favorite pastime?”
“Watching bubbles in the bath,” was the answer.
Quite amused and confused, he went on to ask a good number of people in the
building and and all of them had the same pastime of “watching bubbles in the
He left the building and walked across the street where there were several
rows of sorority houses to continue the survey.
At the first house, he knocks and an attractive sorority girl opens the door.
Our surveyor starts again, “What is your name?”