Category Archives: Funny Jokes

Free funny text jokes

Every time you see a

Every time you see a roadsign that says “DIP” you reach in your back pocket.You’ve ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.

3 women

there’s 3 women,a brown,a red,and a blonde.
they have all been captured and are getting ready to die.So the
people who has captured them have tied them up to a chair and
are getting ready to shoot them,the brown is first,being the
smartest,she has to come up with a plan really quick.The people
are getting ready to shoot her,
the people:ready,aim,
the brown:tornado,
so everybody runs for cover,ofcourse the brown gets away.
the next day,they are getting ready to shoot the red.She’s got
the plan down,she’ll do everything the brown did. They set her
down in the chair,tie her up.etc.,Now there getting ready to
shoot her.
The people:ready,aim,
The red:earthquake!!
everybody again,runs for cover and the red gets away.the next
day comes.Time for the blonde to die,she’s got the plan down they set her in the chair,etc.
the people:ready,aim,
the blonde:fire!
{that’s how the blondes get there name.}

Thorough Doctor

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The Doctor took one look at the woman and all his “professionalism” flew out the window!

He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the Doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I am doing?”

“Yes,” she replied, “You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”

“That is correct,” said the Doctor.

He then began to fondle her breast. “Do you know what I am doing now?” he asked. “Yes,” she said, “You are checking for lumps or breast cancer.”

“Correct,” replied the shady Doctor.

Finally he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

“Yes,” she said, “You are getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!”

True Story: On the Sea

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when
he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under
way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and
soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign’s efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with
talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign
glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman
approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he
was even more surprised when he read, “My personal congratulations upon
completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with
amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten
rules — Make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way.”

Cinderella wants

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t
let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs
to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. “First, you must wear a
diaphragm.” Cinderella agrees. “What’s the second condition?”
“You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn
into a pumpkin.” Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed
hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn’t show up. Finally, at 5 a.m.,
Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. “Where
have you been?” demands the fairygodmother. “Your diaphragm was
supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!”
“I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.”
“I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!”
“I can’t remember, exactly …Peter Peter,something or other….”

The afair

a doctor was hhaving an afair with his wife and gets the other woman pregnant.and tell her to send a postcard saying sapggetie on it if she has the day at work his wife calls and says honey you have a strang postcard saying sapggetie on it.he comes home and it says sapggetie sapggetie sapggetie sapggetie two with meatballs and two without