Category Archives: Funny Jokes

Free funny text jokes

The teacher told us

A teenage girl arriving home from school asks her mother, Is it true what the teacher told us today?”

What s that? the mother replied.

That babies come from the same place that boys put their penises, the daughter said.

Yes it is dear, mother said, glad that the subject had finally come up at school.

But when I have a baby, the girl responded, Won t it knock my teeth out?

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman

Dr. Stranton died and arrived at the Pearly…

Dr. Stranton died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. While trying to get
through, he was stopped by St. Peter. “Now hold on,” said the M.D. “I’ll have
you know I was the biggest specialist in Chicago. You’ve got to let me in.”

“Sorry,” said St. Peter. “You have to go to the rear of the line and wait
your turn.”

Dr. Stranton moved to the back of the queue and stood there. Suddenly, he
spotted a man dressed in a green operating outfit, wearing a surgical mask and
a stethoscope, walk past him and then straight through the Pearly Gates.

Stranton rushed up to St. Peter and shouted, “what’s the meaning of this? I
was here before that man. How dare you let him in?”

“Sorry,” explained St. Peter. “That’s God. You see, he thinks he’s a
doctor.”

Practicing My Art

In a long line of people, one guy suddenly starts massaging the back of the person in front of him, the person turned and asked, what the hell you are doing?

“Well,” said the guy massaging the back, “you see I’m a chiropractor and I can’t help massaging your back, in fact I can’t help practicing my art”.

“Are you crazy?” the other guy said, “I’m a lawyer, am I fucking the guy in front of me!”

Compact miror

one day, two blondes were walking down the sidewalk when one of the blondes saw a compact mirror sitting on the ground. she picke up the mirror, looked into it and said to the second blonde,”hey this person looks familiar!” the second blonde said “let me see” and she took the mirror and said to the first blonde “you dummy its me!!”

Give the frog a loan

A frog walks into a bank and says “I wanna loan.”

“Well Mr.. frog, go over there to Mrs. Black’s desk, she is the loan manager,
I’m sure she will be happy to talk to you,” The head desk says.

The frog hops over to Mrs. Patty Black’s desk and says, “I wanna loan.”

Mrs. Black says, “Well Mr. Frog, we will have to get some paperwork for you to
sign, so if you will wait right here…” At this point the frog pulls out of his
knapsack a golden disk and hands it over to her.

She asks, confused, “What is this?”

The frog croaks back, “I wanna loan.” She rubs her head, and walks back to her
boss and says, “I don’t get it, a frog hops in here wanting a loan, and gives me
this golden disk. Do you know what it is?”

The boss laughs and says, “It’s a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a
loan!”

Emergency Room Wonders

* Emergency Rooms will tell you one of the most common injury suffered in falling out of bed for a guy is a broken dick. Although the penis does not have a “bone” it is full of erectile tissue that can be bent too far to the point of snapping. This type of injury requires surgery to correct. Often it can result in massive hemorrhaging.

* The man who accidentally sent a knee into his lovers face in the dark as he climbed up to *** ***k her. Broke her nose, blackened both her eyes and knocked out three teeth, one of which had to be dug out of his kneecap. It had dug down to the bone and stuck there.

* Getting nailed in the nuts is no joke either, a friend of mine got an unintended knee in the groin when he and his girl were changing positions and the impact ruptured a vein. His ball sack filled with blood. It swelled to a diameter of seven inches and turned black on the way to the hospital. The good folks at the Emergency Room had to lance it upon arrival and it burst like a balloon. They then had to cut it open and fix the blood vessel. He was bed ridden for almost two months. (He married the girl and they have been together now for over ten years.)

* The guy who couldn’t wait and jumped into bed at the sight of his naked and beckoning lover. His action sent a wave across the waterbed so big it threw her out of bed. She took out the nightstand and the lamp, the room was plunged into darkness. She was knocked out cold as her head hit the wall. To top it off, when she fell out of bed, she landed on her sleeping cat killing it with her plummeting body.

* The woman who slipped in the shower while she was stroking her lovers erection, her fall was averted but she twisted him so hard that another trip to the emergency room was needed.

* The couple who fell through the glass shower door and needed stitches.

* The girl who got a slipped disk in an unusual sexual position and could not straighten up. (The Emergency Room got a real chuckle over that one.)

* The man who served breakfast in bed to his girl and she was so taken by it that they started to make love again, with the tray still on the bed. The coffee spilled and shorted the electric blanket which set fire to the bed.

* The woman who lost her dentures in the middle of a blowjob on a guy she had just met. When the teeth came loose they cut him so bad he had to have stitches.

The Top 15 Signs Your Neighbor is an ex-MTV VJ

15. “Pool parties” consist of paunchy Billy Idol, Andrew Ridgely and Billy Squier sitting around in Speedos talking about the good ol’ days.

14. Perky? Check. Cute? Check. Named Martha? Check. Can’t sew doilies or make potpourri? Check!

13. At neighborhood watch meetings, never says much of anything besides, “Heh-heh. That would be cool.”

12. Big hair sometimes blocks out the sunlight to his marijuana garden.

11. Those windowsill flower pots look an awful lot like upside-down 80’s Madonna breast cones.

10. Constantly fertilizing the yard in “Cat in the Hat” headgear and “I don’t have a small penis” T-shirt.

9. Actually seems to understand what that Jesse guy is saying.

8. Bumper sticker on his car: “Internet Killed the Video Star”

7. Even though he’s in his forties, every year he and Eddie Money try to drag you down to Mexico for Spring Break.

6. He keeps auditioning to get a part on “Real World Detroit.”

5. Every month, another garage sale with nothing but hundreds of “Aha” albums.

4. Seems overly excited about his latest “gig” as guest celebrity moderator for some lame Internet humor list.

3. Impressive ability to weave old MTV stories into Amway pitch.

2. Knows every video, performer, song, and album title, but can’t remember to call you anything but “Dude.”

1. Sits in front of hit TV, screaming “You call that a !@#$%& *intro*?!!?!!?” at VH-1.