Category Archives: Funny Jokes

Free funny text jokes

Newlyweds

The newlyweds could hardly wait to get to their room. Both tore off their cloths. The groom puffed out his chest and said “A hundred eighty pounds of dynamite.”

The bride said, “It’s the fuse that worries me.”

Una pareja va al m dico;

Una pareja va al m dico; el que habla es el marido:

“Mire dostor, tenemos un problema: mi mujer y yo queremos tener condescendencia, pero no sabemos si es porque yo soy omnipotente o porque ella es hist rica.

Antes hemos ido a otro dostor y nos dijo que mi mujer ten a la vajilla rota y la emperatriz subida, y como adem s la operaron de la bas lica balear, no sabemos si eso puede influir.

Tambi n a m hace a os me operaron de la protesta y a lo mejor me han dejado escuelas en el cuerpo.

Nos recomendaron ir a un m dico de Boston que era muy bueno y, mire, en cuanto entramos a la consulta hab a all dos ordenadores conestados a una antena paranoica. A mi mujer le hicieron una coreograf a, y el m dico nos dijo que no ve a nada raro. Entonces nos recomend que hici ramos el cojito: 15 d as ella y 15 d as yo haciendo el cojito, pero nada.

Nos volvimos para aqu y otro dostor nos recomend hacer vida mar tima: en todas las playas hac amos vida mar tima, pero nada.

Adem s, mi mujer hace tiempo tuvo un alboroto y le naci el f retro muerto y a lo mejor eso ha influido, pero yo creo que mi mujer es frigor fica, porque nunca llega al or gano”.

“Me parece que usted lo que tiene es un problema de especulaci n atroz”, diagnostica el ginec logo.

Yum…. cupcakes!

One day 7 year old David and his parents decided to go to the park with Grandma Jane. They were having a great time running and playing together. Then David saw a couple making out very very passionatly, so David asked “Mom, Dad, what are they doing?” While David asked the question Mom and Dad were getting alittle frisky themselves and said “Oh hunny they are getting ready to make cupcakes.”

“Oh okay.” said David After he asked the question he ran off and played. “Grandma Jane? Could you watch David for us? We wanna…. go make cupcakes.” said Mom giggling.

“Sure, said Grandma Jane, “have fun”
“Oh we will.” said Dad as they walked to the car. Grandma Jane sat down and fell asleep right away.(Shes known for that) David saw his mommy and daddy leaving and ran to the car with no one noticing him.

About 2 hours after Mom and Dad made their “cupcakes” they heard a noise in the living room, they went in the room to see what it was and it was David. “David? What are you doing here?!” said Mom
“Nothin… just watching you guys making cupcakes.” said David
“(gasp) You did?” asked Dad
“Yeah and I licked the frosting off the couch.” said David with a big smile.

Confuse a blonde

how do you confuse a blonde?

put her in a circular room and tell her to pee in a corner.

how does a blonde confuse you?

she shows you the corner she peed in

Drums, Drummers, Drumming

A man goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane,
he hears drums. He thinks, “Wow, this is cool.”

He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he
goes to a luau, and he hears drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums.

This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can’t
sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk.
When he gets there, he asks the manager, “Mister, that’s it!! Why won’t those
drummers stop?! I can’t get any sleep!” The manager replies, “No! The drums must
NEVER stop. It’s terrible if the drums stop drumming.”

“Why?”

“When drums stop… bass solo begins.”

Dialogue while Moses is at the top of Sinai….

God: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never
cook a calf in its mother’s milk. It is cruel.

Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and
meat together.

G: No, what I’m saying is, never cook a calf in its mother’s
milk.

M: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is
we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the
two are not in our stomachs.

G: No, Moses, what I’m saying is, don’t cook a calf in its
mother’s milk!!!

M: Oh, Lord! Please don’t strike me down for my stupidity! What
you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and
a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury
that dish outside….

G: Moses, do whatever the fuck you want….

How fast was I going?

“When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.””You’re wrong, officer, it’s only my hat that makes me look that old.”