Category Archives: Funny Jokes

Free funny text jokes

Helping a blond lose weight

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.”I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.” When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?” The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.” “From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor. “No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.

Birth Control

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that
was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that
he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him
to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama),
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear
and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest
man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me.”

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The
Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the
procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from
Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a
cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his
ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both doctors couldn’t be wrong, the man went home,
lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up
to his ear and began to count.

“1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . “, at which point he paused, placed the
beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Want to go into space?

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn t return to Earth.The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer s ear, “Three million dollars.””Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I ll give you $1 million, I ll keep $1 million, and we ll send the engineer to Mars.”

Mum’s purse

I walked into the living room the other day and caught my dad screwing my mum’s purse.

So I said to him, “What are you doing, dad?”

He replies, “Well son, I’ve always wanted to come into money.”

Edited by Yisman

You Know You are Overdoing Thanksgiving When…

  • Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy
  • The “Gravy Boat” your wife set out was a real 12′ boat!
  • You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail
  • Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog
  • Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy
  • A guest quotes a Biblical passage from “The Feeding of the 5000”
  • That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn
  • Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice
  • You consider gluttony your patriotic duty
  • Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this