Category Archives: animals

Killed the Rooster

A guy who ran over a rooster on a country road late one night. He felt bad, so he went up to the nearby house, knocks on the door and says to the old farmer:
“Sir, I just ran over your Rooster, and i’d like to replace it.”

And of course, the old farmer shrugs and replies: “Be my guest. The hens are out back.”

Dog vs. Leopard at Safari

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his
faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts
chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is
lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, “Boyo, I’m in deep doo doo now.” (He was an
Irish setter)…. Then he noticed some bones on the ground close
by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly,
“Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any
more around here?”

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a
look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
“Whew”, says the leopard. “That was close. That dog nearly had
me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But
the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is
furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on
my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving
canine.”

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he
hasn’t seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to
hear, the dog says, “Where’s that monkey. I just can never trust
him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another
leopard, and he’s still not back!!”

Psychic Frogs Network

A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?”

“No,” replies his Advisor, “in her biology class.”

My Dog Sex…

My Dog Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him “Spot”, or “Blackie”, or “Fido”.
I call mine Sexton. Over the years that got shortened to “Sex”. Now Sex
has been very embarassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his
license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said he’d like one
too. Then I said this is for a dog, and he said he didn’t care what she
looked like. Then I said you don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was
nine years old. He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married
and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me, and when I checked
into my hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a
special room for Sex. He said every room was a special room for Sex.
I said you don’t understand, Sex keeps me awake at night, and he said
me too.

One day I entered a contest, but before the contest began the dog ran
away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking
around, and I told him I was planning to have Sex in the contest. He
told me I should have sold tickets. I said you don’t undersand, I had
hopes of having Sex on TV. He called me a showoff.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog, and I said your honor, I had Sex before I was married, and the
judge said me too. Then I told him after I got married Sex left me, and he
said me too. Last night Sex ran off again, and I spent hours looking for him.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at four o’clock
in the morning. I told him I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up next Friday.

Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“YES, YES, YES!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good!” said the first bat, “Because, Goddammit, I didn’t!”