What Kind of animal do you never play cards with?
What Kind of animal do you never play cards with?
A frog walks into a bank and says “I wanna loan.”
“Well Mr.. frog, go over there to Mrs. Black’s desk, she is the loan manager,
I’m sure she will be happy to talk to you,” The head desk says.
The frog hops over to Mrs. Patty Black’s desk and says, “I wanna loan.”
Mrs. Black says, “Well Mr. Frog, we will have to get some paperwork for you to
sign, so if you will wait right here…” At this point the frog pulls out of his
knapsack a golden disk and hands it over to her.
She asks, confused, “What is this?”
The frog croaks back, “I wanna loan.” She rubs her head, and walks back to her
boss and says, “I don’t get it, a frog hops in here wanting a loan, and gives me
this golden disk. Do you know what it is?”
The boss laughs and says, “It’s a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a
Q: Why did the stoner cross the road?
A: Who else would follow a chicken?
Q. Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree? A. He was dead!!!
Q. What’s the difference between a women’s track team and a tribe of pygmies?
A. The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease…
Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying “Not on the first date.”
Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow’s body.
Your cow demands to be branded with the ‘Golden Archs Logo’.
Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
Your cow joins the Hell’s Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.
Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting “MOO” backwards.
Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you’ll wear something sexy this time.
Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells “Bullseye”!
Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called “LaCream Abdul Milkbar”.
Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark— a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark…LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing.HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don’t injure yourself. CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never— quite— catch them. It spoils all the fun
This lady was throwing a party and had this very vulgar parrot
and she wanted to do something with it so she could make sure it
would not embarass her.
Well she took it to a local pet store and the owner said tell ya
what you leave it here for one week and I will fix everything.
One week later the lady comes back and her parrot has a string
attached to each one of its legs and the woman asks, “What are
those strings for” and the owner replied, “Well, pull one.” So
the lady pulls the first string and the parrot says, “Good day
ma’am” the lady pulls the second string and again the parrot
replies, “Good afternoon sir”
The lady was amazed so she askes the owner, “Well, what happens
if I pull both strings at once?”
The parrot replies, “I’ll fall on my ass you stupid bitch!”
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says… “Why the long
A guy who ran over a rooster on a country road late one night. He felt bad, so he went up to the nearby house, knocks on the door and says to the old farmer:
“Sir, I just ran over your Rooster, and i’d like to replace it.”
And of course, the old farmer shrugs and replies: “Be my guest. The hens are out back.”