BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark— a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark…LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing.HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don’t injure yourself. CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never— quite— catch them. It spoils all the fun
This lady was throwing a party and had this very vulgar parrot
and she wanted to do something with it so she could make sure it
would not embarass her.
Well she took it to a local pet store and the owner said tell ya
what you leave it here for one week and I will fix everything.
One week later the lady comes back and her parrot has a string
attached to each one of its legs and the woman asks, “What are
those strings for” and the owner replied, “Well, pull one.” So
the lady pulls the first string and the parrot says, “Good day
ma’am” the lady pulls the second string and again the parrot
replies, “Good afternoon sir”
The lady was amazed so she askes the owner, “Well, what happens
if I pull both strings at once?”
The parrot replies, “I’ll fall on my ass you stupid bitch!”
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says… “Why the long
A guy who ran over a rooster on a country road late one night. He felt bad, so he went up to the nearby house, knocks on the door and says to the old farmer:
“Sir, I just ran over your Rooster, and i’d like to replace it.”
And of course, the old farmer shrugs and replies: “Be my guest. The hens are out back.”
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his
faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts
chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is
lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, “Boyo, I’m in deep doo doo now.” (He was an
Irish setter)…. Then he noticed some bones on the ground close
by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly,
“Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any
more around here?”
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a
look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
“Whew”, says the leopard. “That was close. That dog nearly had
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But
the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is
furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on
my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he
hasn’t seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to
hear, the dog says, “Where’s that monkey. I just can never trust
him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another
leopard, and he’s still not back!!”
Did you hear about the evil tuna?
Rumor has it he was rotten to the albacore.
What is a schitzu?
No its not a dog, its a zoo with no animals in it.
A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?”
“No,” replies his Advisor, “in her biology class.”
Why did the duck check into rehab?
Answer: Because he was addicted to quack!
Q What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes?
A. The Mercedes has it’s pricks on the inside!