Category Archives: animals

Psychic Frogs Network

A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?”

“No,” replies his Advisor, “in her biology class.”

My Dog Sex…

My Dog Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him “Spot”, or “Blackie”, or “Fido”.
I call mine Sexton. Over the years that got shortened to “Sex”. Now Sex
has been very embarassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his
license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said he’d like one
too. Then I said this is for a dog, and he said he didn’t care what she
looked like. Then I said you don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was
nine years old. He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married
and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me, and when I checked
into my hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a
special room for Sex. He said every room was a special room for Sex.
I said you don’t understand, Sex keeps me awake at night, and he said
me too.

One day I entered a contest, but before the contest began the dog ran
away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking
around, and I told him I was planning to have Sex in the contest. He
told me I should have sold tickets. I said you don’t undersand, I had
hopes of having Sex on TV. He called me a showoff.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog, and I said your honor, I had Sex before I was married, and the
judge said me too. Then I told him after I got married Sex left me, and he
said me too. Last night Sex ran off again, and I spent hours looking for him.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at four o’clock
in the morning. I told him I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up next Friday.

Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“YES, YES, YES!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good!” said the first bat, “Because, Goddammit, I didn’t!”

King of the Jungle…

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
“Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”

The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
“Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”

The terrified ox stammers, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
“Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant –
“Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”

Horse Sense

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a
local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t
move.

Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily
dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why
he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one
pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”