Category Archives: asians

Three Chineese Tortures

One day, a man walking in the woods became hopelessly lost in a
vast jungle. He walked for hours and hours and finally he came
upon a small cottage. This man was very tired, so he knocked on
the door and an old Chineese man answered it. The man asked if
he could stay the night, and the Chineese guy said he could
under one condition: the man kept away from his daughter. The
guy figured that this would be easy, because the daughter should
be considerably older than him, so he agreed. The man came
inside, and while the Chineese guy was showing him to his room,
he caught a glimpse of his daughter. She was beautiful and
young with long hair and sparkling eyes. The guy got to his
room and tried to go to sleep, but his mind kept on focusing on
them man’s daughter. So, he crept down to her room for a night
of romance. The guy woke up the next morning in his room with a
heavy feeling on his chest. He looked up, and saw a massive
rock on him with a note attached to it. The note said: “Since
you have disobeyed my rules, you must feel the wrath of the
three worst Chineese tortures”. Below it said: “Chineese
torture #1: large rock on chest.” The guy figured that if this
was the first torture, how bad could the other ones be? So, he
heaved the rock out of the window. He soon realized that the
rock was attached to a rope. On the rope was a note with a
message: “Chineese torture #2: Rope attached to left testicle.”
Thinking he would rather break a few bones then be causterated,
the guy jumped out the window after the rock. He looked down at
the ground and saw a message spray-painted on it. It read:
“Chineese torture #3: Right testicle attached to bedpost”

dinner table manners

one night david had a few geust over his boss and his wife. so
when they came over david introdused his son kenny. kenny said
hello and went to his spot at the table as they were eating
kenny burped and david said have you forgot your manners and
they kept eating on. kenny started to kick his feet and his dads
boss was on the other side of the table then he went to far and
kicked the boss then his dad said you stay still and eat your
dinner so kenny did. later kenny put his hand down and knoked
his juice over kenny’s dad said”BOY YOU MAKE ONE GODDAMN THING
TO GET ME FROM LOSING MY FUCKIN RAISE I’LL KICK YOUR ASS TO
TIMBUKTWO YOU GOT THAT YOU PEICE OF SHIT” and kenny said fuckoff
with a reaction he didn’t mean to say. then davids bos said hold
on you both need straiten out keep it up and i’ll fire you and
send you to boot kamp for 20 years boy. so they settled down and
put the dishes away and cleaned up the mess. as davids boss went
to the living room david said if you go to your room and stay
there i’ll act like this never happened so kenny did. they
turned on the t.v. and a chemerchial came up with jackie chan
talking about cherry condems and davids boss said me and my wife
have to go do some arrens goto the store and something at home
i’ll talk to you about that raise toommorow youll be very
pleased tommorow. so david went up to kennys room and said you
try to piss me of in front oof a boss like that again youll hope
for more chemerchial of condems cherry flaverd.

What’s the Difference?

I was sitting in a bar one time and I saw a Jewish man walk in
and sit down to have a drink. After a few drinks a Chinese man
came in and sat next to him. The Jewish man immediately turned
and punched the other man in the face.

The Chinese man shouted, “You fool! What was that for?” The
Jewish man replied, “That’s for Pearl Harbor.” Chinese man said,
“You idiot, I am Chinese not Japanese!” Jewish man replied,
“Chinese, Japanese, what’s the difference?”

The Chinese man proceeded to punch the Jewish man in the face.

The Jewish man clutched his jaw and said angrily, “Owww, why did
you do that?!” The Chinese man replied, “That’s for the
Titanic.” Jewish man said, “But an iceberg caused it to sink,
not me!”

The Chinese man smiled and said, “Iceberg, Goldberg, what’s the
difference!”

Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a
famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and
report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he
received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.

Chinese playin’

A man suspects his wife of cheating on him. So, to find out he
hires a Chinese detective to spy on her. It turns out he’s
right. The Chinese detective follows his wife and a man to a
restaurant. Then they drove to a hotel. He follows them there
and climbs up a tree so he can see into their room. This whole
time he has been taking notes, so he takes more while watching
them in the room. He writes: “He kiss she, she kiss he. He
undress she, she undress he. He touch she, she touch he. He play
with she, she play with he, I play with me and fall out of tree.”

Chinese Girlfriend

A man lets call him bob was going out with a chinese
girl named Ping. Ping couldnt speak a word of english
and anyway one night Bob was fucking Ping shouted out “HARGER”
bob thought this meant harder so he started fucking her harder.
Again she shouted out “HARGER” bob was surprized and started
fucking her harder again. Now ping was roaring “HARGER”
“HARGER” “HARGER!!!!”. Bob fucked her with all his might and
when he reached his orgasm she again shouted “HARGER”. she
looked very angry and rolled over and went to sleep.
The next morning Bob was playing golf with ping’s brother
Pong (who could speak english). Bob teed off but made a mess of
his shot and hit it way off target. Pong said “HARGER”. Bob
asked Pong what this meant and Pong said “Wrong Hole”.

Vodo Dick

There once was a guy that wanted to suprise his wife then tha
guy went to a mall when he got there he saw a guy with a chest
when he opened it he said vodo dick the elevator shaft then the
dick jumped up and fucked the elelvatorshaft then the guy stole
it then he said vode dick my ass then the dick fucked him so
hard he went out driving to tha hostpital while he was driving
he was stoped by a officer he said whats tha matter with u the
man said theres a vodo dick up my ass then the officer laughed
ou loud and said vodo dick my ass!

English man, Scottish man and a Paky man

There was an English man a Scottish man and a Paky man. They
were all in a plane that was about too crash into Mount
Everist.The pilot told them to throw out anything they didnt
need.

So the Scottish man threw out his Kilts and said “I dont
need them iv got plenty in my country”.

The Paky man threw out
his fags and said “I dont need them iv got plenty in my
country”.

The English man threw out the Paky and said “I dont
need him iv got plenty in my country”.

Learn Chinese In 5 Minutes

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

ENGLISH PHRASE CHINESE TRANSLATION

Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man Dum Gai

Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high!! No Bai Dam Thing!!

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift Chin Tu Fat

It’s very dark in here Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution. Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. No Pah King

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena Song? Wai Yu Sing Dum

You are not very bright Yu So Dum

I got this for free Ai No Pei

I am not guilty Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer. Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight Lei Lo

He’s cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive Hu Man Go!

Pew! does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?