Category Archives: australian

The Lord Will Provide

One day in a small town during really stormy weather, the town
begins to flood. Everyone rushes to lifeboats and begins to
flee. But in a church a prriest sits on the alter and does not
move. A man runs up to him.

Man- “Father, come quickly, we have a lifeboat ready for you”.

Priest- No, there is no need for me to flee for the lord will
provide and he will save me”.

Man- “Suit yourself”

A few hours later the water has risen up to the alter where the
priest is standing. A lifeboat zooms through the door with a few
men in it. One man calls to the priest.

Man- “Father come quickly”

Priest- “No, for the lord will provide and he will save me.

So the lifeboat zooms off. A few hours later the water has risen
up to the crucifix on which the priest is hanging on. A lifeboat
zooms in.

Man- Father, the town is flooding, you must come with us to
safety.

Priest- No, the lord will provide. He will save me.

A few hours later the water rose up to the roof and the priest
drowned. Later in heaven the priest met god and said:

Man- “Lord, why didn’t you save me? I had so much faith>

God- What are you talking about!!!!!! I sent 3 bloody lifeboats
to rescue you?

Questions About Sydney Olympics

(I REALLY WONDER HOW THE PEOPLE IN TOURISM REMAINS SANE??????)
Here are some of the classic questions being asked of the Sydney
Olympic Committee via their Web site, and some answers that may
be appropriate.

* Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
(Face North and you should be about right)

* Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
(And accomplish what?)

* Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
(Yes, but only in sporting goods stores, peoples’ garages, and
most national parks…)

* Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
(Yes. At Christmas.)

* Are there places in Australia where you can make love
outdoors? (Italy)
(Yes. Outdoors.)

* Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
(Yes, except in America.)

* I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true
and if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones?
(Italy)
(Sure, there’s only 8 million of them)

* I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I
turn blue? (Germany)
(More likely brown, considering the effluent…)

* Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
(Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this
question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any
lower…)

* Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
(Depends on how much beer you’ve consumed…)

* I plan to take some day trips during the Olympics. Which
direction should I drive – Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth –
to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
(Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being
held in Sydney.)

* I want to walk from Perth to Sydney for the Olympics – can I
follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
(Sure, it’s only seven thousand miles, so you’ll need to have
started about a year and a half ago to get there in time for the
Games…)

* It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places
to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
(I’m not touching this one…)

* My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia.
Will you let her in? (South Africa)
(Why? We do have toilet paper here…)

* Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of
them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
(No, and we use shells for money too)

* Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
(???)

* Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)
(Depends if you get an ugly one or not…)

* Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
(Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us…)

* Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
(No. Everybody stinks.)

* Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
(Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.)

* Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
(Not yet, but we’ll see what we can do when you get here.)

* Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Australia? (USA)
(What’s this guy smoking, and where do I get some?)

* Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all
year round? (Germany)
(A blonde?)

* Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can
dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
(Rattlesnakes? There is only serum for the Funnel Web and
Red-Back Spiders. You will need to contend with White-Tail
Spiders, Brown, Tiger and Red-Belly Black snakes, sharks, Red
Kangaroos, Blue-ringed Octopuses and the 3am pub closing
time/taxi change-over)

* Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
(Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing
between Austria and Australia.)

* I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
(Another blonde?)

* I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
(From Liz Taylor, perhaps?)

* I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the
girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?
(USA)

The Greatest Country

There were four men, one from China, Greenland, America and one
from Australia.

One night they were bragging on how good their country are. The
Chinese said, “my country is the best cause we have the great
wall.”

The Greenlander said, “no, mine is the best as we have the
greenest greenest grass.”

The American said, “no, mine is the best as we have our flag 50
stars and 50 stripes.”

The Australian said, “no, mine is the greatest country as we
have the kangaroo which will jump over the great wall, shit on
the greenest greenest grass and wipe its ass on the American
flag.”

Going to Belfast

An Australian was in Ireland. On his way to Belfast, he stopped
at a bar and asked one of the locals, “What’s the quickest way
to Belfast?” The Irishmen asked, “Are you walking or driving?”
The Australian replied, “I’m driving!” The Irishman said, “Aye,
that’d be the quickest way!”

Duckhunter

One day, Bill the duck hunter was out on the border of New South
Wales and Victoria shooting ducks. He was having a really good
day, he’d already bagged 6 or 7 ducks and a park ranger came up
to him.

“Did you realise that its not duck season in Victoria anymore
mate.” said the ranger.

“I shot these ducks in New South Wales!” Bill replied swiftly.

The ranger then said, “Thats irrelivant if the ducks are from
Victoria, throw me one of the ducks, im an expert and i’ll be
able to tell you if its from Victoria, or New South Wales.”

Bill, thinking that the Ranger was a bit of a goose, obliged and
threw him the first duck. The ranger then proceeded to part the
ducks tail feathers, and then jammed his index finger straight
up the ducks arse. He then sniffed his finger and called back,

“That one is ok, its from New South Wales, send me the second
one.”

Bill laughed and sent him the second duck purley out of
interest. The ranger did the same routine again, and when he
sniffed his finger, he called back,

“This duck is from Victoria, im going to have to report you.”

“You’re kidding aren’t you mate” said Bill “You can’t possibly
tell from that!”

“Trust me, im an expert” calls the ranger “Now, what was your
name?”

“Bill Smith”

“And where are you from Bill?”

“Richmond”

“Richmond Victoria, or Richmond New South Wales?”

Bill then proceeded to un-do his belt, drop his daks, and
called back

“You’re the fucken expert, you tell me!”