Category Archives: bar & drinking

English Pub Joke

Bar Joke

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: – I reckon he’s an accountant.

Stuart: – No way – he’s a stockbroker.

Dave: – He ain’t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn’t come in
here!

The argument repeats itself until they are all drunk. Dave goes to the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder .
>>
Dave: – ‘Scuse me…. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: – No offence taken! I’m a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: – Oh! What’s that then?

Suit: – I’ll try to explain by example … Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: – Er… mmm… well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: – Well, it’s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

>> Dave: – It’s in a pond!

>> Suit: – Well it’s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: – As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

>> Suit: – Well then it’s logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: – As it happens I’ve got a five bedroom house ….. built it myself!

Suit: – Well given that you’ve built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: – Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: – Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: – Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: – Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate (wank) very often?

Dave: – Do what? Not me mate!

Suit: – Well there you are! That’s logical science at work!

Dave: – How’s that then?

Suit: – Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I’ve told you about your sex life!

Dave: – I see! That’s pretty impressive … thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: – I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: – Yep! He’s a logical scientist!

Stuart: – What’s that then?

Dave: – I’ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: – Nope

Dave: – Well then, you’re a wanker.

“Hey, nice tie”

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.

“Hey, nice tie!” comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the bartender to see if
he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just
ignores it.

“Hey! Nice shirt!” The man looks up but, again, the bartender is engaged
elsewhere.

“Hey! Nice suit!” The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he
keeps talking to him.

“It’s not me, it’s the complimentary peanuts.”

Know you’re drunk

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven’t had a driver’s license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don’t recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Who keeps saying those things?

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively “You’ve got great hair!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say “You’re a handsome man!” The man looked around, but still couldn’t see where the voice was coming from.When he went back to his beer, the voice said again “What a stud you are!” The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.The bartender said “Oh, it’s the nuts–they’re complimentary.”

Can I Buy You a Drin

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, “May I buy you a drink?””Okay,” she said, “but it won’t do you any good.”A little later, he asks, “May I buy you another drink?””Okay,” she said again, “but it won’t do you any good.”He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, “Okay, but you know it won’t do you any good.”They get to his apartment and he says, “You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife.””Oh, well that’s different….” she says.”Send her in!”