Category Archives: bar & drinking

Fly In My Guinness

    An Irishman, an Englishman and aScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender handsthem over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.  The Scotsman picks outthe fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.  The Irishman reaches into the glass,pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, “Spit it out, yabastard! Spit it out!”

2 drunks bar hopping

Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.

They only had a dollar in change between them. “I’ve got it, follow me.” said the first man.

They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. “We’ll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I’ll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off.”

The second man agrees to this and they start thier rounds.

When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.

The bartender tells them, “That will be 3 dollars.”

The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.

“You faggots!”, screams the bartender. “Get the hell out of here!”

They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees.

The bartender throws them out.

After the sixth bar the second man complains, “Man this isn’t working out so well, My knees are killing me!”

“You think you’ve had it bad..”, the first man exclaims. “I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!”

Top ten signs that you are too drunk

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.6. You can focus better with one eye closed.5. You fall off the floor.5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.4. You haven’t had a driver’s license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.3. Roseanne looks good.2. You don’t recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass. 1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

Just idle conversation…

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.
He turns to bartender and says, “Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . ..”

“STOP pal – I don’t allow talk about politics in my bar!” interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the guy tried again, “People say about the Pope …”
“NO religion talk, either,” the bartender cuts in.

One more try to break the boredom…” I thought the Yankees would…”
“NO sports talk…That’s how fights start in bars!” the barman said.

“Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?”
“Sure, that we can talk about”, replies the barkeep.


The Pirate

The Pirate

A fellow stops by his favorite bar one afternoon for a few drinks after a couple of drinks he sees a pirate sitting at the other end of the bar, peg leg, patch over one eye, hook. He moves next to the pirate and asks, Are you a real pirate ?
Aye, that I am matey , replies the pirate.

How did you lose your leg , the fellow asked. The pirate replied, I was about to board a Man-O-War I was, when she fired a broadside and a cannon ball took me leg off it did .

Oh my, that s horrible, how did you lose your hand , said the fellow, looking at the hook replacing the right hand. The pirate held the hook up and said, I was swinging over to a ship with me cutlass in me teeth, when a fellow cut off me hand with his sword, he did.

Oh my , said the fellow. How did you lose your eye , he asked. I was ashore one day and as I looked up a seagull shit right in me eye, he did , replied the pirate. And that put your eye out , asked the fellow

Hey Li’l Buddy

A man walks into a bar and says, ”Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy.” Bartender says, ”You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?” The guy says, ”Oh, I want them both now. I’ve got my best buddy in my pocket here.” He then pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks, ”You mean to say, he can drink that much?” ”Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some,” the man retorted. So, the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. ”That’s amazing!” says the bartender. ”What else can he do? Can he walk?” The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, ”Hey, Rodney, go fetch that quarter.” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. ”That’s amazing!” he says. ”What else can he do? Does he talk?” The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and says, ”Talk? Sure he talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native Witch doctor a dickhead!”