Category Archives: bar & drinking

Just idle conversation…

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.
He turns to bartender and says, “Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . ..”

“STOP pal – I don’t allow talk about politics in my bar!” interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the guy tried again, “People say about the Pope …”
“NO religion talk, either,” the bartender cuts in.

One more try to break the boredom…” I thought the Yankees would…”
“NO sports talk…That’s how fights start in bars!” the barman said.

“Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?”
“Sure, that we can talk about”, replies the barkeep.

“GREAT… GO SCREW YOURSELF!”

The Pirate

The Pirate

A fellow stops by his favorite bar one afternoon for a few drinks after a couple of drinks he sees a pirate sitting at the other end of the bar, peg leg, patch over one eye, hook. He moves next to the pirate and asks, Are you a real pirate ?
Aye, that I am matey , replies the pirate.

How did you lose your leg , the fellow asked. The pirate replied, I was about to board a Man-O-War I was, when she fired a broadside and a cannon ball took me leg off it did .

Oh my, that s horrible, how did you lose your hand , said the fellow, looking at the hook replacing the right hand. The pirate held the hook up and said, I was swinging over to a ship with me cutlass in me teeth, when a fellow cut off me hand with his sword, he did.

Oh my , said the fellow. How did you lose your eye , he asked. I was ashore one day and as I looked up a seagull shit right in me eye, he did , replied the pirate. And that put your eye out , asked the fellow
NO , replied the pirate, IT WAS THE FIRST DAY WITH ME NEW HOOK IT WAS .

Hey Li’l Buddy

A man walks into a bar and says, ”Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy.” Bartender says, ”You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?” The guy says, ”Oh, I want them both now. I’ve got my best buddy in my pocket here.” He then pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks, ”You mean to say, he can drink that much?” ”Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some,” the man retorted. So, the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. ”That’s amazing!” says the bartender. ”What else can he do? Can he walk?” The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, ”Hey, Rodney, go fetch that quarter.” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. ”That’s amazing!” he says. ”What else can he do? Does he talk?” The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and says, ”Talk? Sure he talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native Witch doctor a dickhead!”

Fall-down drunk

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to
leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.

“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly. “How did you know?”

“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”

confused drunk

a man came staggering into a bar and said, i want a drink. the bartender said, forget it guy, your too drunk, just go on home. the man refused to leave, so the bartender threw him out. the man crawled around on the ground till he finally got on his feet and staggered around to the side door and came into the bar again. the bartender grabbed him and threw him out again. The man finally got on his feet again and staggered around to the back of the bar and came in the back door of the bar. The bartender grabbed the man and threw him out again. The man looked up from the ground at the bartender and said in a slurred voice, tell me mister, do you work in every freaking bar in this town?

Two piggies walk into a bar…

Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, ”Where’s the bathroom?” The bartender points to the door and they rush in.

Two more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, ”Where’s the bathroom?” The bartender points to the door and they rush in.

One piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. ”Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?” says the bartender.

”No thanks,” the piggy slurs, ”I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way home!”

Merle goes out drinking every night…

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would
spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around
midnight each night.

He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the
door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let
him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant
nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued
his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior and was
particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened and said, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently
when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving
words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways.”

The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he
arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in.

Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and
led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet
up on the ottoman, and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started
to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, “It’s pretty
late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think.”

At that, in his inebriated state he replied, “I guess we might as well. I’ll
get in trouble when I get home anyway!”