A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He loop-legs it through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he’s been out jumping new bones.”Where the hell you been all night?”she demands.”At this fantastic new saloon,” he says.”The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.””Bullshit! There’s no such place!” Guy says, “Sure there is! Joint’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal’s gold!” The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her old man’s story.”Is this the Golden Saloon?”she asks when the bartender answers the phone.”Yes it is,” bartender answers.”Do you have huge golden doors?””Sure do.””Do you have golden floors?””Most certainly do.””What about golden urinals?”There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,”Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!”
A drunken guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks
He says, “You don’t feel so tough now, do you,Batman!?”
An Irishman, an Englishman and aScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender handsthem over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks outthe fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass,pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, “Spit it out, yabastard! Spit it out!”
Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.
They only had a dollar in change between them. “I’ve got it, follow me.” said the first man.
They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. “We’ll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I’ll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off.”
The second man agrees to this and they start thier rounds.
When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.
The bartender tells them, “That will be 3 dollars.”
The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.
“You faggots!”, screams the bartender. “Get the hell out of here!”
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees.
The bartender throws them out.
After the sixth bar the second man complains, “Man this isn’t working out so well, My knees are killing me!”
“You think you’ve had it bad..”, the first man exclaims. “I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!”
if you crossed anelephantand a kangaroowhatwould you have? great big holesallover australia
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.6. You can focus better with one eye closed.5. You fall off the floor.5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.4. You haven’t had a driver’s license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.3. Roseanne looks good.2. You don’t recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass. 1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
Whats the difference between a “HOLD UP” and a “STICK UP”??
Q. Who do you never play cards with?
A. A cheetah!!
A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.
He turns to bartender and says, “Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . ..”
“STOP pal – I don’t allow talk about politics in my bar!” interrupted the bartender.
A few minutes later the guy tried again, “People say about the Pope …”
“NO religion talk, either,” the bartender cuts in.
One more try to break the boredom…” I thought the Yankees would…”
“NO sports talk…That’s how fights start in bars!” the barman said.
“Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?”
“Sure, that we can talk about”, replies the barkeep.
“GREAT… GO SCREW YOURSELF!”
A fellow stops by his favorite bar one afternoon for a few drinks after a couple of drinks he sees a pirate sitting at the other end of the bar, peg leg, patch over one eye, hook. He moves next to the pirate and asks, Are you a real pirate ?
Aye, that I am matey , replies the pirate.
How did you lose your leg , the fellow asked. The pirate replied, I was about to board a Man-O-War I was, when she fired a broadside and a cannon ball took me leg off it did .
Oh my, that s horrible, how did you lose your hand , said the fellow, looking at the hook replacing the right hand. The pirate held the hook up and said, I was swinging over to a ship with me cutlass in me teeth, when a fellow cut off me hand with his sword, he did.
Oh my , said the fellow. How did you lose your eye , he asked. I was ashore one day and as I looked up a seagull shit right in me eye, he did , replied the pirate. And that put your eye out , asked the fellow
NO , replied the pirate, IT WAS THE FIRST DAY WITH ME NEW HOOK IT WAS .