Category Archives: bill clinton

Monica’s Statement is a dandy!

Fresh off of the Associated Press Wire…
AP – Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President
Clinton’s firm denial:
“I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth,
and I can’t stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this
ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.
“This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at
my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will
meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on.
“I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will
ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn’t a finisher, that she quit before
the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am
wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.
“Thank you.”
Monica Lewinsky.

Clinton in Hell

President Clinton dies and descends into hell. As a professional courtesy to a
fellow, world class liar Satan greets the President personally.
‘Mr. President’ he says ‘we don’t normally do this. But I’m going to give you
three choices of your eternal punishment’.
‘Great’ says Bill. ‘But once you’ve picked there is no going back. It will be
your fate for the remainder of time. This time I’m not lying’. First they come
to a dark, burning pit. Adolf Hitler is naked and being speared by and an army
of demons. He’s bleeding and screaming madly. Bill cringes and says he could
never handle the pain. Next they come to a hot, burning cave. Saddam Hussein is
naked with his limbs stretched and broken. Devils are burning his flesh with hot
coals. Once again Bill retreats and refuses the option. Finally they come to a
pleasant, cool room. Ken Starr is naked on a table and Monica Lewinksy is giving
him what she loves to give best. Bill smiles and says ‘now that’s more like it’.
Satan agrees and says ‘Very well. Ms. Lewinksky, your replacement has arrived.’

Two of Bill’s sperm

Two of Bill’s sperm were racing toward the cervix and the first one said, “How
far do you think it is to the fallopian tubes?”
The other one said, “It can’t be too far. I think we just passed the tonsils.”

Hillary & Newt

In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan.

The press is making a big deal out this thing with Newt but, hey, if anyone knows how to appear in public with a man she can’t stand, it’s Hillary.”
-Jay Leno

Advice for Clinton

Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, ‘George, you were always wise, what should I do?’ Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, ‘ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER.’ Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President thinks he’ll try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request. ‘Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally people behind me?’ Again a voice from above answers, ‘WELFARE, ITS NOT WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER.’ After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial. ‘Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me what should I do?’After a substantial pause Abe responds, ‘TAKE THE DAY OFF GO TO THE THEATER.’