Category Archives: body & health

Rectum Wins

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said “I do all the thinking so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”

The eyes said “I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”

The hands said “Without me we wouldn’t be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”

The stomach said “I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we’d starve. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”

The legs said “Without me we wouldn’t be able to move anywhere. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”

Then the rectum said “I think I should be in charge.”

All the rest of the parts said “YOU?!? You don’t do anything! You’re not important! You can’t be in charge.”

So the rectum closed up.

After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn’t take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story?

You don’t have to be the most important to be in charge, just be an asshole!

20 Types of Blokes at the Urinal

1) Excitable — Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

2) Sociable — Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

3) Cross-eyed — Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

4) Timid — Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

5) Indifferent — All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

6) Clever — No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.

7) Worried — Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

8) Frivolous — Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.

9) Absent-Minded — Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

10) Childish — Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

11) Sneaky — Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.

12) Patient — Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.

13) Desperate — Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

14) Tough — Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.

15) Efficient — Waits until he has to crap and does both.

16) Fat — Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.

17) Little — Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

18) Drunk — Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

19) Disgruntled — Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

20) Conceited — Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.

the magic mirror

angie was looking into her mirror naked after sex and she said
aloud
“i wish my boobs were the same size as pam andersons” then
suddnly her boobs grew
“wow” she shouted and ran to show her boyfriend.
he came running up to the mirror and said “i wish my dick
touched the ground” and the next thing he new his legs fell
off!!!!

hey-hey plz rate my joke

The boy on a nude beach.

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The
father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in
the water. He comes running up to his mom and says, “Mommy, I saw
ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!”

The mom says “the bigger they are, the dumber they are.” So he goes
back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says,
“Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy’s!”

Mom says, “the bigger they are, the dumber they are.” So he goes
back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says,
“Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and
the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!”

Call Me Lucky

A man named Bob was walking down the street when he saw his old
friend Craig. Craig says, “Hello Bob. But Bob tells him not to
call him Bob but to call him Lucky. “Why should i call u lucky?”
says Bob.”
“Well i was walking down the street the other day and had just
stopped on the side of the road. Then the light went green and i
began to cross the road. Seconds later, a safe fell from the
building directly under where the man was standing.

“Wow thats pretty lucky.” says Craig. So they say goodbye and
walk away. Craig sees bob again next week and says “Hi Lucky.
Bob tells him not to call him Lucky but to call him Lucky Lucky.
Craig asks him why and Bob says, “I was crossing the road when i
tripped over and hurt my ankle. I was about to get up when i saw
a car speeding down the street. i was trying to get up but it
was getting closer and closer. All of a sudden the car crashed
into another car that was coming from side on.

“Wow thats pretty lucky” says Craig and they say goodbye and
leave. Next week Bob is walking down the street and he sees
Craig again. Craig says, “Hello Lucky Lucky.” Bob says “don’t
call me Lucky Lucky. Call me lucky lucky lucky.”

Bob tells him that just the other day he took his girlfriend out
to dinner and they were both incredibley horny so they went to a
hotel and were getting it on when the shandalier fell and
smashed his girlfriends cunt.

Craig says,”Whats so Lucky about that?”

Then Bob answers, well if it happened 10 seconds earlier it
would have cut my head off!”

Little Johnny and his balloons

Little Johnny walks into his mothers room and catches her topless.

Mommy, Mommy, what are those? He says pointing to her breasts.

Well, son, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. Mommy, Mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!

What do you mean? Says his mother.

Well, she’s out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling, God, I’m coming! God, I’m coming!

10 things not to say during sex

10)I should have used a condom…
9)Golly, do you need help!
8)Boy, do I want to speak to your pimp!
7)That thing ain’t bigger than your sister’s or mom’s!
6)That was not worth every cent!
5)Is there a money back guarantee?
4)Do you have a microscope on you?
3)There are medical solutions for that.
2)Wow! You must centimeter Sam!
1)Can I supersize that fry?