A man named Bob was walking down the street when he saw his old
friend Craig. Craig says, “Hello Bob. But Bob tells him not to
call him Bob but to call him Lucky. “Why should i call u lucky?”
“Well i was walking down the street the other day and had just
stopped on the side of the road. Then the light went green and i
began to cross the road. Seconds later, a safe fell from the
building directly under where the man was standing.
“Wow thats pretty lucky.” says Craig. So they say goodbye and
walk away. Craig sees bob again next week and says “Hi Lucky.
Bob tells him not to call him Lucky but to call him Lucky Lucky.
Craig asks him why and Bob says, “I was crossing the road when i
tripped over and hurt my ankle. I was about to get up when i saw
a car speeding down the street. i was trying to get up but it
was getting closer and closer. All of a sudden the car crashed
into another car that was coming from side on.
“Wow thats pretty lucky” says Craig and they say goodbye and
leave. Next week Bob is walking down the street and he sees
Craig again. Craig says, “Hello Lucky Lucky.” Bob says “don’t
call me Lucky Lucky. Call me lucky lucky lucky.”
Bob tells him that just the other day he took his girlfriend out
to dinner and they were both incredibley horny so they went to a
hotel and were getting it on when the shandalier fell and
smashed his girlfriends cunt.
Craig says,”Whats so Lucky about that?”
Then Bob answers, well if it happened 10 seconds earlier it
would have cut my head off!”
Little Johnny walks into his mothers room and catches her topless.
Mommy, Mommy, what are those? He says pointing to her breasts.
Well, son, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.
Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. Mommy, Mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!
What do you mean? Says his mother.
Well, she’s out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling, God, I’m coming! God, I’m coming!
10)I should have used a condom…
9)Golly, do you need help!
8)Boy, do I want to speak to your pimp!
7)That thing ain’t bigger than your sister’s or mom’s!
6)That was not worth every cent!
5)Is there a money back guarantee?
4)Do you have a microscope on you?
3)There are medical solutions for that.
2)Wow! You must centimeter Sam!
1)Can I supersize that fry?
Guy-Emersom nice boobs ya got there!
* I only have one eye * My hair is a jungle * My relatives are nuts * My Neighbour is an arsehole * My owner is a wanker * My best friend is a kunt
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Laugh your ass off!
There once was a man who was traveling to FLORDIA AND HE STOPED AT A GAS SATATION TO USE THE BATHROOM. SO HE WENT TO USE THE BATHROOM AND HE HAD TO DUKIE AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE RELAIZED THAT THERE WAS NO TISSUE AND THEN HE READ THIS SIGN SAYING: THERE IS NO TISSUE HERE SO TAKE YOUR TWO FINGERS AND WIPE YOUR BUTT WITH THEM AND STICK THEM THROUGH THIS HOLE AND YOUR FINGERS WILL BE LICKED BY HUMAN HANDS.SO THE MAN SAY I AM NOT DOING THAT SO HE SAT THERE FOR 2 HOURS AND UNTIL HE FINALLY DID. AND BEHIND THE WALL WAS A MAN WITH TWO BRICKS AND THE MAN SMASHED HIS FINGERS WITH THE TWO BRICKS AND THEN THE MAN JUMPED AND PUT HIS FINGERS IN HIS MOUTH AND STARTED SCREAMING.
One day two seasoned hunters took a rookie to go on a hunting
trip. After they got to the hunting site, the two pros took the
rookie to a tree and told him, “Stay here. Don’t move, and no
matter what, don’t make any sound. Wait for the deer to get
close enough so you can shoot the deer. But under no
circumstances should you make a sound!” With that, they left to
find their own spots to stake out.
Five minutes later they heard an ear piercing scream coming from
where the rookie was. The pros rush over and asked, “What
happened?! We told you NOT to make any sound!” He replied, “I
know. I tried not to! I didn’t scream when the bear was in my
face. I didn’t scream when the snake wrapped around my legs. But
I can’t help it when the two chimpmunks went up my legs under my
pants and asked each other, ‘Should we eat them now or bring
them home for latar?'”
Little Johnny’s next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately the
baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the
hospital, the new parents invited Little Johnny’s family over to
see the new baby.
Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid their son would have a
wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny’s dad had a
long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He
said, “Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want
you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his
ears, or I’m really going to spank your butt when we get back
home.” “I promise not to mention his ears at all,” said Little
At the neighbors home Little Johnny leaned over the crib and
touched the baby’s hand. He looked at it’s mother and said, “Oh
what a beautiful little baby!” The mother, who had braced
herself for Johnny’s comment, was pleasantly surprised and said,
“Thank you very much Little Johnny.”
He then said, “This baby has perfect little hands, and perfect
little feet. Why just look at his pretty little eyes…Did the
doctor say he can see good?” The mother said a bit bewildered,
“Why yes…the doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?”
Little Johnny said, “Well, it’s a damn good thing, ’cause he
sure as hell can’t wear glasses!!
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.
As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, “I have a dead pussy.”
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, “Sit with my wife. You two have alot in common.”