Category Archives: buddists / monks

Religious Vocation?

A young man concludes that the religious life is for him.
Accordingly he joins an order with a strict vow of silence.
There is one exception to the rule however. Every ten years each
monk is allowed to speak three words but the alloted words may
be spoken only to the abbot.

Ten years pass. Our friend dutifully enters the abbot’s cell and
speaks his three words. He says, “Bed is hard.”

Ten more years pass. He again enters the cell of the abbot and
says, “Food is tasteless.”

His time to speak his three words comes round again after ten
more years. He enters the Superior’s cell and says, “I am
leaving.”

Indignantly the abbot replies, “Well I’m not surprised. You’ve
been here thirty years and all you’ve done is complain.”

The Monks Are Coming

There’s a big hill. On one side of this hill sits a monastery,
on the other side there is a convent. In the middle, on top of
the hill, there is a pub.

One day the monks decided to go for a night out to the pub. At
about 11.30pm the Abbott at the monastery receives a phone call.

“Abbott? This is Sister Virgin Helen of the Lady of Our Souls
Convent. I’m afraid your monks have gotten rather drunk at the
pub tonight and are on their way down the wrong side of the
hill!”

The Abbott reassures her, “Don’t worry, they’ll soon realize
their mistake and turn back.”

10 minutes later he receives another call from the worried
Sister.

“Abbott? This is Sister Virgin Helen of the Lady of Our Souls
Convent. I’m afraid your monks are still on their way down the
wrong side of the hill and now they’re getting rather close to
the convent.”

“Please don’t worry my dear. They’ll turn back soon.”

5 minutes later he receives another phone call from the, now
quite agitated, Sister.

“Abbott? This is Sister Virgin Helen of the Lady of Our Souls
Convent. Your monks are right outside the convent walls and
they’re knocking on the door! What shall I do?”

“Oh my dear, don’t panic. Any moment they’ll realize where they
are and leave.”

2 minutes later he receives another phone call from the now
hysterical Sister.

“Abbott? This is Sister Virgin Helen of the Lady of Our Souls
Convent. Your monks are climbing over the convent wall!”

“Don’t panic my child, they are sure to realize and turn back
now.”

30 minutes later the Abbott receives one more phone call.

“Abbott? This is Sister Helen, your monks are on their way back
now.”

Heaven and Room 8

A man is ready to enter the pearly white gates of heaven and St.
Peter asks, “Religion?”

The man answers, “Muslim.”

St. Peter replies, “ok, go to room 23 but be quiet as you go by
room 8.”

The man says thank you and goes on his way. Another man enters
and St. Peter asks, “Religion?”

The man tells Peter, “Buddhist.”

St. Peter answers, “go to room 17 but be quiet as you pass room
8.”

This man also thanks the Saint and goes to room 17. A third man
comes and St. Peter asks, “Religion?”

The man answers, “Protestant.”

St. Peter directs the man, “go to room 10 but be quiet as you
pass room 8.”

The man is curious and asks St. Peter, “St. Peter, I thank you
for your direction and kindness but why must I be quiet as I
pass room 8?”

“Well my brother,” Peter replies “The Catholics are in room 8
and they think they are the only one here.”

Change from Within

So the Zen master steps up to the hot dog cart and says, “Make
me one with everything.”

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen
master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the
bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.

“Where’s my change?” asks the Zen master. The hot dog vendor
responds, “Change must come from within.”

Shit Happens

TAOISM: Shit happens.

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, “Shit happens”.

ZEN: (What is the sound of shit happening?)

JESUITISM: If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it
really shit?

ISLAM: Shit happens if it is the will of Allah.

CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are bad.

PSYCHOANALYSIS: Shit happens because of your toilet training.

SCIENTOLOGY: Shit happens if you’re on our shit list.

ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.

UNITARIANISM: Maybe shit happens. Let’s have coffee and donuts.

RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this shit happen to someone else.

JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US?

REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?

MYSTICISM: What weird shit!

AGNOSTICISM: What is this shit?

ATHEISM: I don’t believe this shit!

NIHILISM: Who needs this shit?

AZTEC: Cut out this shit!

QUAKER: Let’s not fight over this shit.

FORTEANISM: No shit??

12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the shit.

VOODOO: Hey, that shit looks just like you!

NEWAGE: Visualize shit not happening.

DEISM: Shit just happens.

EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn’t happen; shit is.

SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Shit is in your mind.

BUDDHISM: Shit happens, but pay no mind.

SHINTOISM: Shit is everywhere.

HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.

WICCA: Mix this shit together and make it happen!

HASIDISM: Shit never happens the same way twice.

THEOSOPHY: You don’t know half of the shit that happens.

DIANETICS: Your mother gave you shit before your were born.

SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: No shit on Saturdays.

JEHOVAH’s WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armageddon.

MOONIES: Only happy shit really happens.

HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens.

BAHA’I: It’s all the same shit.

STOICISM: This shit is good for me.

OBJECTIVISM: Our shit is good for you.

EST: If my shit bothers you, that’s your fault.

REAGANISM: Don’t move; the shit will trickle down.

FASCISM: Shit makes the trains run on time.

CARGO CULT: A barge will come and take all the shit away.

EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-Shit.

DISCORDIANISM: Some funny shit happened to me today.

RASTAFARIANISM: Let’s smoke this shit.

Oh Buddah

One say this guy was sky diving. When the man went to
pull the rip cord and it wouldnt open. The man was terrified for
his life. So he yelled,”Oh Buddah, save me”. So Buddah stuck his
hand out and caught him. The man said,”Thank God”. Then Buddah
dropped him and let him die.

Holy Water

The minister of a church said to four monks “All of you can have
a week off, but make sure to tell me your sins in the week.”
After a week, the four monks come back. They line up. The
minister asks the first monk “Tell me your sins for the week.”
Themonk answered “I ran around the village nakid.” The minister
said “God gorgives your sins, go drink the Holy Water.” The
fourth monk laughs loudly. The minister says to the second monk,
what were your sins for the week?” The monk says “I killed 4
cats and 5 dogs because I was alergic to them.” The minister
says “God forgives your sin, go and drink from the Holy Water.”
The fourth monk laughs even louder. The minister asks the third
monk, “Now tell me what were your sins for the week?” The third
monk replied “I killed a husband, ad made the wife have sex with
me.” The minister says, “God forgives your sin, now go and drink
from the Holy Water.” The fourth monk falls to the floor,
laughing. The minister asks the monk, “Whats so funny?” While
laughing, the monk stands up and says “I peed in the Holy Water.”

Eating Monks

There once was a cannibal that was very hungry. He went to the
local convent and got a monk. He went back to his house and
boiled the monk. He started eating it, and he tasted terrible.

He went and asked another cannibal what he did wrong, and the
2nd cannibal said, “Monks are Friars.”

What To Do At Church

1. Walk into a church. Sit for about 5 min. into servce.
Stand up and say “Oh Sh*t This Isn’t The F*cking Wedding”. Then
walk out.
2. Go over to a criing baby and say to the parent “If you
don’t shut that THING up, so help me god I kill it”.