Gravity – It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?Life is too complicated in the morning.All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized AutobiographyNobody’s perfect. I’m a Nobody.My wife said “If you go hunting or fishing one more time I’m going to leave you” …I’m sure going to miss her.Ask me about my vow of silence.Today’s subliminal message is: ( )
I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. Okay, who put a “stop payment” on my reality check? Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.” Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet. Adults are just kids who owe money. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. You! Off my planet! -Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. A closed mouth gathers no feet. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. A penny saved is ridiculous. All that glitters has a high refractive index. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Anarchy is better than no government at all. Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object. Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore. So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. All men are idiots….I married their king. IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. Out of my mind…Back in five minutes. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
You have the right to remain silent….Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them! Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?I intend to live forever – so far, so good.Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?What happens if you get scared half to death twice?I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.Black holes are where God divided by zero.All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!
All generalizations are false, including this one. “Criminal Lawyer” is a redundancy. I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got! We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. What is a “free” gift ? Aren’t all gifts free? Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
A woman driver is heading down the expressway, when all of a sudden the woman sees a tree to her left, a tree to her right, and a tree directly in front of her, so she swerves and hits a guardrail.
Later, a cop arrives and ask her what happened, to which she replied,”I saw a tree to my left, a tree to my right, and a tree directly in front of me!”
The cop says, “Ma’am, there ARE trees on both sides of the road, but the one you saw directly in front of you was your air freshener.”
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular. Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.Editing is a rewording activity.Make yourself at home …..clean my kitchen Allow me to introduce my selves Better living through denial I’m just working here until a good fast food job opens up…. Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done Too many freaks not enough circuses