Category Archives: catholics

Man Falls Asleep At Church…

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very
embarrassing. What should I do?”

“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg.”

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

“Jesus!”, Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

“Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is
your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

“God!” Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

“Right again,” said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?”

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!”

“Amen,” replied the congregation.

Jesus Christ

There was once a holy man who had a horse. One day his friend
asked the holy man if he could borrow his horse and he said,
“yes.” The holy man said, “Say Jesus Christ to make him go and
Amen to make him stop.”

So the friend was riding when he saw a cliff but he couldn’t
remember what to say to make him stop. So he said out loud,
“Name of the father son holy spirit, amen.” And the horse
stopped right at the tip of the cliff and he looked over and
said, “JESUS CHRIST!”

Nuns outside the Whore House

Three nuns were standing on a corner one evening collecting for
the cause. Across the street there happened to be the local
whore house. They happened to notice that Pastor Jones of the
Protestant community sneaking into the place and one of the nuns
whispered to the others, “If only his flock knew he was going
into a wicked place to commit sin…they would be outraged!”

A bit later, Rabbi Rabinowitz was seen sneaking in and the nun
said to her sisters, “If only the Jewish community knew their
Rabbi was in there committing sin with wicked women, they would
be outraged!”

A little while later, Father Flannigan was observed by them
sneaking into the same whore house. “Oh dear,” exclaimed the
nun, “someone must be very sick in there for them to call the
dear Father out at this late hour.”

Sand Bath

What did the girl say to moses when they were in the desert for
40 years and she tried to have sex with him?

Oh, Moses…..your dick is scraching my pussy! You took a sand
bath agian?

Adam, Are You Cheating on Me?

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed
out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around
with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on
earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by
someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. “What do you think you’re
doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

riddles

Q:what is greater than god, more evil than the devil, the poor
have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it you’ll die?

A: nuthing dumbass!!!!!

Bible

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her
business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she
always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One
time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he
gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile he turned to her and asked “You don’t really believe all that
stuff in there do you?”

The lady replied “Of course I do. It is the Bible.”

He said “Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?

She replied “Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.

He asked “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the
whale?”

The lady said “Well I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven I
will ask him.”

“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.

“Then you can ask him.” replied the lady.

God!

One late evening while the family was at church, a man was breaking into
their home, he went into the bedroom stealing everything he could get his
hands on. As soon as he entered the living room he heard a voice “God is
going to get you!” “God is going to get you!” He pulled out his flashlight
and shined it on this big bird. Well the man did not pay any mind to the
bird and kept on loading up his bag.

He was loading that bag from left to right. Again he heard that voice “God
is going to get you!” “God is going to get you!” He walked over to the
cage and told the bird to shut up! As soon as he put his hand on the door
knob of the backdoor he heard a different noise. It was not the bird but a
growing sort of noise, He shined the flashlight up and saw this GREAT BIG
DOG! And the bird yelled “GET HIM GOD!”

God’s Money

One day a guy died and went to heaven. He was curious about how
God lived and said, “God, how much is a millenium to you?” God
said, “One second.” “The man said, “God, how much is
$1,000,000,000 to you?” God said, “One penny.” The guy thought
for a minute and said, “God, can I have a penny?” God said,
“One second.”

New Look

One day a woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death
experience. She saw God and asked, “Is this it?” God said, “No,
you have another 30 to 40 years to live.”

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have
collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and
breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She
figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well
make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation
and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She
arrived in front of God and said, “I thought you said I had
another 30 to 40 years?”

God replied, “Sorry, I didn’t recognize you!”