Category Archives: celebrities

Micheal Jackson

What are the three things that micheal jackson and a carrier bag have in common?
1. they are both made of plastic

2.they are both white

and 3. they are both dangerous when left with children.

Worst Christmas Joke in the World…. Ever

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. ”I think it’s raining”, he said to his wife. ”No, that felt more like snow to me”, she replied. ”No, I’m sure it was just rain”, he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a communist party official walking toward them. ”Let’s not fight about it”, the man said, ”Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing”. As the official approached, the man said, ”Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?” ”It’s raining, of course”, he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted: ”I know that felt like snow!” To which the man quietly replied: ”Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear”

Christmas Breakfast

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, ”I’ll just have the eggs Benedict.” His order comes a while later and it’s served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, ”What’s with the hubcap?” The waiter sings, ”O, there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”

Clinton/Titanic (variation)

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.CLINTON VIDEO: Let’s not go there.TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.CLINTON VIDEO: Monica’s forced to return her gifts.TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton’s approval rating is at 70 percent.TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.

Posh & Becks

posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six
> o’clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the

> Clifton

> Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.

>

> Posh turns to Becks and says: “David, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!”

> to

> which Beckham replies “5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn’t.” So they

> shake

> hands on the bet and continue watching.

>

> Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud.

> Beckham

> takes 5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she

> refuses.

> “I

> can’t take your money, David,” she says. “The truth is, I was cheating.

> I

> saw the five o’clock news, so I knew he was going to jump.”

>

> “No, babe, fair’s fair” says David. “That money is yours fair and

> square. I

> was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o’clock news, too. I

> just

> didn’t think he would do it again.”

Royal Flush

Princess Di and Dolly parden have both died and are waiting to go through the gates of heaven when God comes out and says that there has been a mistake and only one of them gets in so God says why don’t both of you tell me about your self and I will decide who gets in so Dolly puts her chest high and says well God I do have a pretty nice pair, Di stands infront and says yes God Dolly does have a nice pair, but I just douched and a Rolal Flush beats a pair…

Jennifer Lopez

A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit
with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific
Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart
leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies
an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though
he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles
from home he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he
has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach,
another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that
she is not breathing so quickly he gives her the kiss of life.
After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes
the hair from her face he now can see who it is.

It’s Jennifer Lopez.

Forever grateful to him for saving her life they strike up
an immediate bond, and over the following weeks while stranded
on the island, they fall madly in love.

One day Jennifer is walking down the beach and notices her
new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach staring
out to sea with a look of sorrow on his face.

Feeling there’s something wrong, she wanders over to him
and asks what is wrong.

“Jennifer. The last few weeks have been the greatest of my
life. We’ve found this island paradise. We have all the food
and water we could require and I have you, but still I can’t
help feel there’s something missing.”

Jennifer replies, “What my darling? What is it that you need.
I’ll do anything.”

“Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?”

“OK.”

“And my trousers?”

“OK.”

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the
ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips.

“OK…. Can you start to walk around the island and I’ll set
off the other way and meet you half way.”

“OK dear, whatever will make you happy.”

So off they set. After half an hour walking he eventually
sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point
he breaks into a sprint, running up to her and grabbing her
by the shoulders he shouts, “Mate, you won’t believe who I’m
shagging!”

Santa and the outside toilet

The night before Christmas, a family went to sleep when they were startled awake by an explosion. They went outside and saw the outside toilet in a million pieces – with Santa in the rubble.He was shaking his fist at a sleigh encircling him in the air while he shouted, “You idiots! I said the SCHMIDT house!!”

A really filthy version of ‘Twas the night before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neatThe kids were both gone, and my wife was in heatThe doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hookIt was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.Momma in her teddy, and I in the nudeHad just hit the bedroom and reached for the lubeWhen out on the lawn there arose such a cry,That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.Up to the window I sprang like an elf,Tore back the shade while she played with herself.The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built,Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.When what to my wondering eyes should appear,But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.Sure as I’m speaking, he was as high as a kite.And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree,Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee.They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.”That was some brothel,” he said with a smile,”The reindeer are pooped, and I’ll just stay here awhile.He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,But his toys were all gone, and some new things werepacked.The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find,And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.A bra without nipples, a penis extension,And several other things that I shouldn’t even mention.A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.”This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,So I’ll leave ’em here, and then I’ll just split.”He filled every stocking and then took his leave,With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,Saying, “Take me home Rudolph, this night’s been a bitch!”The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,”The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!”