Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub, a week before Xmas, enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided to get in on the Xmas raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize – a whole year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize, six month’s supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize – a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
“Great,” said Tom. “I love spaghetti.”
“So do I,” said Dick. “And how’s the toilet brush, Harry?”
“Not so good,” Harry said, “I reckon I’ll go back to paper…”
Do you want to hear 3 blond jokes?
Then listen to Hanson.
This is from the Top Five List at http://www.topfive.com. Steely Dan, has just released their first album of new music since 1980.17> Just emerged from the bomb shelter, figuring 20 years was enough time for the noxious fumes of disco to subside.16> It started out as a simple Chinese finger cuff prank, then the next thing you know…15> Hey — traffic in L.A. is a bitch!14> Hunting down that infidel Salman Rushdie not as easy as it sounds.13> “Hey Nineteen” turned out to be more like “Hey Fourteen-and-a-Half,” and there were some, er, legal issues to resolve.12> Spent the last two decades reelin’ in the beers.11> “All I can say is, never get in a pissing contest with Boston.”10> Spent every night of the last 20 years at the Wintergarden, watching CATS. 9> Were waiting for an invitation to join the Traveling Wilburys. 8> Stuck trying to find a word that rhymes with “marsupial.” 7> Been in mourning ever since the Sons of the Pioneers started dropping like flies. 6> Twenty year ban on literate, well-crafted songs recently lifted by UN. 5> Busily supplying sperm for lesbian rock singers like modern-day Johnny Appleseeds. 4> Producer kept insisting on bringing Yoko to the recording sessions. 3> Will to live only recently re-awakened by potent Viagra/Parker Posey therapy. 2> Took a while to convince Mom to park on the street and free up the garage….and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Excuse for Not Releasing an Album for 20 Years… 1> Repeatedly seduced by that wanton temptress known as the snooze button.
I’m amazed more people haven’t spotted these film flubs:* Part of the movie is in black and white, then inadvertently goes to color, and then back to black and white! An obvious continuity gaffe.* Although the movie purports to be in Kansas, several scenes are obviously filmed on a Hollywood sound stage.* The scene where the teacher rides past Dorothy’s bedroom window in the midst of a tornado is physically impossible.* When the characters sing you can hear music accompanying them but there are no radios or musicians in the area!* For a land to exist “over the rainbow” it would have to be lighter than air, and as Dorothy was already shown to be composed of solid matter, how come she didn’t fall back down to earth?* Some of the so-called “munchkins” are obviously children wearing fake facial hair and grown up clothes.* The “yellow brick road” is not really yellow as much as it is golden. And there is some speculation that it isn’t really made of brick either. (Thanks to the International Brick Layers Union for providing that piece of information.)* Scarecrows are inanimate objects moved solely by the wind. They can not move at will, much less dance.* A “tin man” is a slang term for an aluminum siding salesman. The movie portrays the salesman as an actual tin man. And what’s with the ax? Someone in the research department should’ve gotten fired over this flub.* Lions growl. They do not talk. There is no recorded evidence of one talking, ever. Perhaps the filmmaker’s were thinking of the Biblical Balaam’s ass, which is the only recorded incident of an animal actually speaking coherent sentences.* Lions are also quadrupeds, meaning they walk on all fours. The “lion” in the movie is obviously a man in a suit trying to pass himself off as the real thing.* As for the ruby red slippers, well, despite the sure protestations from some of our lady-folk here, shoes do not have magical powers.* The witch views the goings on through her crystal ball. A purely fictional device. Obviously special effects created the scenes she was supposed to be watching in the ball. (Note: While there is a device on the market called “The Magic 8 Ball,” which is a genuine fortune telling device, this is not the type of ball employed in the scene just mentioned.)* Monkeys do not have wings, and cannot fly.* The witch flies on a broom and skywrites with it as well. Again, an invented fiction that would make Oliver Stone proud.* Trees cannot talk, nor can they “throw” apples. Once an apple is ripe, however, it may fall onto the ground directly beneath it.* Although there are many scenes with trees in them, not once does Toto mark his territory on them. This goes against common sense and ruins the believability of the movie.* For that matter no character in the entire movie goes to the bathroom. Although the “tin man” does leak at one point it’s tears that overflow, not urine.* Perhaps the biggest goof of all: Everything the characters went to the wizard to receive, THEY ALREADY HAD! The Scarecrow wanted a brain, YET HE DEVISED THE PLAN TO GET INTO THE CASTLE! The Tin Man wanted a heart YET HE CRIED TEARS OF SADNESS! The lion wanted courage, YET HE’S THE ONE WHO FOUGHT THE CROCODILES! (In an alternate, never-before-seen version currently in a locked vault in Ted Turner’s Montana ranch.)* Also, did anybody note that the same characters playing the tin man, scarecrow, lion, Mr. Oz, and the wicked witch, were also playing the farm hands, fortune teller and teacher? Obviously a sign of a low budget, since the meager makeup on their alternate characters wasn’t enough to make their faces look much different.* Continuity flub: At one point Toto is played by a small sheep, but only for a few frames. I forget which scene this is in, but once seen it’s obviously a sheep stand-in.
Q. What is Michael Jackson’s bedtime?
A. 6:33 PM… Right when the big hand touches the little hand.
What are the three things that micheal jackson and a carrier bag have in common?
1. they are both made of plastic
2.they are both white
and 3. they are both dangerous when left with children.
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. ”I think it’s raining”, he said to his wife. ”No, that felt more like snow to me”, she replied. ”No, I’m sure it was just rain”, he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a communist party official walking toward them. ”Let’s not fight about it”, the man said, ”Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing”. As the official approached, the man said, ”Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?” ”It’s raining, of course”, he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted: ”I know that felt like snow!” To which the man quietly replied: ”Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear”
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, ”I’ll just have the eggs Benedict.” His order comes a while later and it’s served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, ”What’s with the hubcap?” The waiter sings, ”O, there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”
Roses are reddishViolets are bluishIf it wasn’t for ChristmasWe’d all be Jewish
TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.CLINTON VIDEO: Let’s not go there.TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.CLINTON VIDEO: Monica’s forced to return her gifts.TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton’s approval rating is at 70 percent.TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.