Category Archives: christians

Father Cuthbert

Father Cuthbert was the vicar at St Martha’s church, so the
congregation was sad to hear that he would be going on holiday
for a month. On the other, they were happy that he left his
right-hand-man, Father Ted in charge. Father Cuthbert gave him
his instructions, then set off on holiday. Father Ted did his
sermon the next morning, and it was a great success.At the end
he said “If anyone has committed any sins, come to me, and I
will forgive you.” A woman stepped up and said “I’ve stolen some
money from a shop”
“For that, you must say three Hail Mary’s.”
A man then went up and said to him “I’ve committed murder.”
“For that, you must say three hundred Hail Mary’s.”
Feeling rather pleased with himself, he is just about to leave,
before a woman stops him at the door, and cries “Help me, vicar!
I’ve performed oral sex!”
Father Ted looks down his list for oral sex
forgiveness, but it’s not there, so he rushes into the room in
which the choirboys are and says “Quick, boys, Quick! What does
Father Cuthbert give for a blow job?”
The cleaner enters the room and says “Ten quid if I
take my false teeth out.”

The preist and Golfer

A preist and a golfer are both members of the City Golf club.
One Saturday they go there to play against each other. They get
to the 8th hole of a 10 hole pitch and the preist is winning.

So the golfer needs to get the next 1 under par.

The golfer hits the ball and misses. So he shouted, “God damn
it, missed the bugger”.
The preist says ,”If you say that one more time, god will open
up the heavens and strike you dead with a lightning bolt.

On the 10th hole the golfer hit the ball and misses. So he
shouted again, “God damn it, missed the bugger.”

So sure enough God opened up the heavens and sent down a
lightning bolt and struck the preist dead.

God said, “God damn it, missed the bugger.

Liars!

The priest said, “Today’s sermon is called ‘Liars’. I will get
to that in a moment, but first I have a question. How many of
you have read Chapter 66 in Matthew?” Nearly every hand went up.
“You’re just the group I need to speak to,” the priest said.
“There’s no such chapter.”

Giant

There once was a giant who lived at the top of a big mountain.
His favorate thing to do was to kick trids (short people) from
the village down the mountain. After a while, the mayor of the
village went to talk to him. “Excuse me Mr. Giant. Us trids in
the village feel that you could maybe find a different hobby
less painful to us trids.” “No way! It’s sooo fun! To see the
little trids roll down the mountain, it’s a blast!” And he
kicked the mayor down the mountain.

The trids are shocked but the send a priest up to the giant
thinking he won’t kick a man of god. So after the same
discussion, the giant kicked the priest down the mountain.

After a week or so, they concluded that the giant must be Jewish
if he would dare to kick a priest down the mountain. So up went
a rabbi. “Excuse me, Giant, but the trids don’t like you kicking
them doen the mountain. You need to find yourself a different
hobby to do!” “But when I kick them down, they roll and it’s
hillarious!” “Ok. So there’s nothing at all I can say or do to
make you change your mind?” “Nope, there isn’t.” “OK. I guess
you can kick me now.” “What? Silly Rabbi, kicks are for trids!”

Jewish Fathers, Christian sons.

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from
his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish
faith.

To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A
year later the young man returned home. “Father, thank you for sending me
to the land of our Fathers, ” the son said. “It was wonderful and
enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to
Christianity.” “Oi vey,” replied the father, “what have I done?”

So in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best friend and
sought his advice and solace. “It is amazing that you should come to me,”
stated his friend, “I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a
Christian.”

So in the traditions of the Patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. “It is
amazing that you should come to me,” stated the Rabbi, “I too sent my son
to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?”
Brothers, we must take this to God,” said the Rabbi. They fell to their
knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty.

As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated, “Amazing
that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel.”

New Minister

There was a young man who had just complete his schooling to
become a minister. He had went back to his home town and went to
his pastor and ask if he could deliver the message that Sunday.
The minister agreed.

Sunday morning the young man went to his pastor and said he was
too nervous to preach. The priest took him in the kitchen and
pored him some clear whiskey. The man took a drink and refilled
his glass. The priest told him to take it out and set it on the
pulpet. It would calm his nerves and it was clear so the
congregation would think it was water.

The young man did exactly what the priest said. After the
service and everyone had left the young minister asked the
priest how he did. The priest said fine but we must get three
things straight. Mother Mary is not Big Mama. The Holy Ghost
isn’t the Spook from Hell And they crucified Jesus they didn’t
just nail his ass to a tree.

For the love of…

Three ministers – a Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist –
and their wives were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and
swamped the ship; they all drowned, and before long, they were
standing before St. Peter.

First came the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his
head sadly. “I can’t let you in. You loved money too much. You
loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”

Then came the Methodist. “Sorry, can’t let you in, either. You
loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married
a woman named Candy!”

The Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, “This
doesn’t look good, Fanny.”

little timmy

Little timmy always sat in the front pew of the church and gave
a hand full of change when the collection basket passed.One
sunday the pastor noticed that timmy started to put his change
in the collection basket but decided to put his money in his
pocket.
After service little timmy,little timmy rushed up to the
pastor and wanted to hand him the handful of change,but the
pastor told timmy that he did not need the money and that he
should put it in the basket instead.Little timmy said “Oh no
father,you need it more than anyone else does,because my dad
says that your the poorest paster we ever had.”

Run Through the Rain

She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful, brown haired,
freckled-faced image of innocence. Her mom looked like someone
from the Walton’s or a moment captured by Norman Rockwell. Not
that she was old-fashioned. Her brown hair was ear length with
enough curl to appear natural. She had on a pair of tan shorts
and light blue knit shirt. Her sneakers were white with a blue
trim. She looked like a mom.

It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the
tops of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has
no time to flow down the spout. Drains in the nearby parking lot
were filled to capacity and some were blocked so that huge
puddles laked around parked cars. We all stood there under the
awning and just inside the door of the Walmart. We waited, some
patiently, others aggravated because nature messed up their
hurried day.

I am always mesmerized by rain fall. I get lost in the sound and
sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the
world.

Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child come
pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day. Her
voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all
caught in.

“Mom, let’s run through the rain,” she said.
“What?” Mom asked.
“Let’s run through the rain!” she repeated.
“No, honey. We’ll wait until it slows down a bit,” Mom replied.
This young child waited about another minute and repeated her
statement.
“Mom. Let’s run through the rain.”
“We’ll get soaked if we do,” Mom said.
“No we won’t, Mom. That’s not what you said this morning,” the
young girl said as she tugged at her Mom’s arm.
“This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and
not get wet?”
“Don’t you remember? When you were talking to daddy about his
cancer, you said, “If God can get us through this, He can get us
through anything!”

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear, you couldn’t hear
anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or
left in the next few minutes. Mom paused and thought for a
moment about what she would say.

Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some
might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of
affirmation in a young child’s life. A time when innocent trust
can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

“Honey, you are absolutely right. Let’s run through the rain. If
God lets us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing,” Mom
said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing
as they darted past the cars and yes through the puddles. They
held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got
soaked. But they were followed by a few believers who screamed
and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

Perhaps inspired by their faith and trust. I want to believe
that somewhere down the road in life, mom will find herself
reflecting back on moments they spent together, captured like
pictures in the scrapbook of her cherished memories.

Maybe when she watches proudly as her daughter graduates. Or as
her daddy walks her down the aisle on her wedding day. She will
laugh again. Her heart will beat a little faster. Her smile will
tell the world they love each other.

But only two people will share that precious moment when they
ran through the rain believing that God would get them through.
And, yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Jesus And God

Jesus and god were playing golf. They come to a long par 5 with
trees and sand traps everywhere. Jesus hits a beautiful shot
straight down the fairway and it lands perfect. God steps up and
hits one off a tree and into a pond. All of a sudden a fish gets
the ball in his mouth and swims with it until an eagle picks the
fish up with the ball still in the fishes mouth. mouth. He flies
over the green and the fish drops the ball and it rolls into the
cup. Jesus turns to god and says, “You gonna play golf or you
gonna fuck around?”