Category Archives: computers

Where am I?

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter’s window. The sign said “WHERE AM I ?” in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.’ The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determine the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

If Restaurants Functioned

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
Patron: No, it’s still there.
Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try
eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What
kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration
problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to
do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you
noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup
of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.
I’m running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup
and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

Helpdesk Nightmares

Tech Support: I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.
Customer : OK.
Tech Support: Did you get a pop-up menu?
Customer : No.
Tech Support: OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?
Customer : No.
Tech Support: OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
until this point?
Customer : Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote
‘click’.

(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest
of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn’t,
however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)

Tech Support: OK, did you type ‘click’ with the keyboard?
Customer : I have done something dumb, right?

Help stories from Tech Support

Another Compaq technician recieved a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn”t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

Tech Support

“Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?”

“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

“How do I tell?”

[Uh-oh. Well, let’s give it a try anyway.] “Can you see the C:
prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let’s try a different tack.] “Never mind.
Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I
type.”

[Ah–at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a
hardware problem. I wonder if s/he’s kicked out his/her
monitor’s power plug.] “Does your monitor have a power
indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] “Yes, I think so.”

“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged
into the wall.”

[pause] “Yes, it is.”

[Hmm. Well, that’s interesting. I doubt s/he would have
accidentally turned it off, and I don’t want to send him/her
hunting for the power switch because I don’t know what kind of
monitor s/he has and it’s bound to have more than one switch on
it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable.”

[muffled] “Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the
back of your computer.”

[still muffled] “I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

[clear again] “No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle –it’s
because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes–the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power–!?!” …[AAAAAAARGH!]

“A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!” [slam]

Did you hear about

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.

And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying ”Don’t worry, it’ll be up any minute now….”