Category Archives: current events

Making Pork

Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly.

Saddam tells his driver: “Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what appened.”

One hour later, Saddam sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.

“What appen to you?” he asks.

“Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me.”

“My God! What did you tell dem?” asked President Hussein.

The driver answered: “Good evening, I am Saddam Hussein’s chauffeur and I have just killed the pig.”

OJ’s Kid

A mama duck, baby duck, mama skunk, and baby skunk were all
crossing the road when the 2 mama animals got ran over. The baby
duck asked the baby skunk, “What am I? What am I?” “Well you got
a beek and feathers you must be a duck.”

“What am I?” asked the skunk. “Well you’re black and white and
your mama was just killed. You must be one of OJ’s kids.”

Simple Solution

As for what to do with Osama bin Laden:

Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will
inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.

Therefore, I suggest we do neither.

Let the special forces, Seals, or whatever covertly capture him,
fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly
perform a complete sex change operation. Then we return HER to
Afghanistan.

Osama QA

Q: What do Afghanistan and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.

Q: What do Osama Bin Laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where all those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What is the best job in Afghanistan?
A: Foreign Ambassador.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb in Afghanistan?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting.

Q: “How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”
A: “We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time.”

Q: How is Osama Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Did you hear that Osama Bin Laden won the toss?
A: He elected to receive.

Q: Why do all Afghani soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
A: They need a map.

Turmoil in Heaven!

Divine Press Release

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had
an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year
old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God’s
“only son” last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.

Sources close to Mary claim that she “had loved God for a long time”, that
she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she
was “thrilled to have had his child.” In a press conference this morning,
God issued a vehement denial, saying that “No sexual relationship
existed”, and that “the facts of this story will come out in time, verily”.

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the
Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of
whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had
illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three
foreign operatives know only as the “Wise Men”. Beelzebub has issued
subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens
in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the
charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God
had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed
land deal.

In recent months, Beelzebub’s investigation has already been expanded to
cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God’s
political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the
destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention
away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public
land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro
quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to
God’s career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral
standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently
outlined a “tough-on-crime” plan consisting of a series of 10
“Commandments”, which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep.
Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions
for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning
to fight the “Name in Vain” Commandment as being an unconstitutional
restriction on free speech.