Category Archives: current events

Turmoil in Heaven!

Divine Press Release

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had
an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year
old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God’s
“only son” last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.

Sources close to Mary claim that she “had loved God for a long time”, that
she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she
was “thrilled to have had his child.” In a press conference this morning,
God issued a vehement denial, saying that “No sexual relationship
existed”, and that “the facts of this story will come out in time, verily”.

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the
Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of
whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had
illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three
foreign operatives know only as the “Wise Men”. Beelzebub has issued
subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens
in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the
charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God
had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed
land deal.

In recent months, Beelzebub’s investigation has already been expanded to
cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God’s
political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the
destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention
away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public
land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro
quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to
God’s career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral
standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently
outlined a “tough-on-crime” plan consisting of a series of 10
“Commandments”, which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep.
Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions
for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning
to fight the “Name in Vain” Commandment as being an unconstitutional
restriction on free speech.

Monica Briefs

We all know the Secret Service has nicknames for people around the White
House, but only recently has Monica Lewinski’s nickname been leaked:
“Humidor One”.

Gennifer Flowers was recently asked how her relationship with Bill Clinton
compared to Monica Lewinski’s. She replied, “Close, but no cigar.”

Come Again?

Monica Lewinsky walks into a dry cleaner. She walks up to the employee and
asks him to clean her dress. The employee, who is hard of hearing asks,
“Come, again?” Monica replies “Nope, just mustard!”

Monica’s statement

“I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my
mouth, and I can’t stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft,
that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in myface.

“This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am
at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is
coming. I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head-on. “I
have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again.

No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn’t a finisher,
that she quit before the job was done. I will work nonstop and fight this,
blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair.

I will not be stained by it. “Thank you.”
Monica Lewinsky

Osama Anagrams

Top 21 names using letters from OSAMA BIN LADEN

21. Sane Oilman Bad
20. I bona leadsman
19. Nasal Nomad Be I
18. Be a Slain Nomad
17. A bend lama son
16. Albania’s Demon
15. A lesbian nomad
14. Alias “Boned Man”
13. So I anal bad men
12. And I blame a son
11. No Asian bedlam
10. I.D.: Mean Anal S.O.B.
9. I, a sad nobleman
8. A slain abdomen
7. I’m so banal, Edna
6. I model bananas
5. A mob, insane lad
4. Is a lone, bad man
3. Do a samba, Lenin
2. I’m Dole bananas
1. Abandon E-mails