Category Archives: dirty jokes

Talking baby

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

“Are you my doctor?” he asked.

“Yes, I am.”

The baby said “Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth.”

He looked at his mother and asked, “Are you my mother?”

“Yes, I am,” she said.

“Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born” he said. He then looked at his father and asked “Are you my father?”

“Yes, I am,” his father answered.

The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying “I want you to know that THAT HURTS!”

You Have The Brakes

A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.

He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them.

Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two?

Didn’t you hear me blowing the horn? You could’ve been killed!”

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”

Fat housewife

A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, “Come here quick, Charlie! I’m paralyzed! I can’t get up!”He comes in, takes a look, and says, “Stand up, you silly old bat. You’re kneeling on one of your tits.”

Oh the Guilt

After a long sequence of lovemaking, the doctor glanced adoringly at his lady love, who dozed next to him. Suddenly, he felt a sharp pang of guilt.

“Relax, Howard,” he told himself. “You re not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients.”

“No,” another inner voice says.., “but, you re a veterinarian!”

Monica's Dry Cle

One day monica lewinsky walked into a dry cleaners to get her blue dress cleaned because it had a stain on it. She said to the employee “I want this stain taken out of the dress the employee of the store was of japanese decent and didn’t understand her so he said “come again?” to which Monica replied “NO!, its white-out!!!”

Date With

There was a guy named Bill and his girlfriend Jane. Bill broke up with Jane afraid she was cheating on him.

Ironically it was the day before the big costume party (couples only).

Thinking fast, Bill paid a prostitute to go with him. Since it was a costume party he couldn’t see her face.

He took her to his place and they started to take off their costumes.

They got in bed and the prostitute took off her mask and it was………………..










HIS MOM!

Who did you think it was? Jane?

Submitted by Lol_Girl_72
Editted by Curtis

Swapping

Two couples who have been friends for years decide to spend the weekend at a fancy hotel.

When they get there, one of the husbands suggests they get a little wild and swap partners.

After two hours of solid sex by the fireside, the man turns to his new partner and says, Wow! This is the best sex I ve had in years.

Yeah, his new companion agrees.

I wonder how the girls are doing.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Guinness Drinker

A bloke goes into a pub. The barmaid asks what he wants.”I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off.” he replies.”You dirty bastard!” shouts the barmaid, “get out before I get my husband.”The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again. The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.”I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off.” he replies.”What???” screams the barmaid, “That’s it, you’re barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, GET OUT NOW!” Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.”Right. I’ll give you one last chance,” says the barmaid, “now, what do you want?””I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you.”The barmaid screams, starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly.”What’s up, love?” says the husband.”There’s this disgusting bloke downstairs! When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted too put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off,” she says in a flood of tears.”What?! He’s a dead man!” shouts the husband getting out of his chair.”Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off!” screams the wife.”Right, he’s going to need a body bag, the bastard!” shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.”Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me” she concludes.When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.”Aren’t you going to do something?!!” shouts the wife in hysterics.”Listen love, I’m not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness…”

Chilli cook off!

CHILI COOK-OFFS

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is!

They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You
will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like
me, you will be howling out loud.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes from An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.

The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told men I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.” Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE’S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out, I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA; I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.

The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off.

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks!

CHILI # 6 VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.

I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair.

No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought.

Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7 SUSAN’S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.

I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.

My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt.

At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 LESTER’S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER’S CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it’s existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?