Category Archives: dirty jokes

2 toothpicks and…

A barman is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the back door of his pub. When he answers, a dirty, scroungy-looking, homeless guy asks him for a toothpick.

The barman is a little surprised, but nonetheless he gives him the toothpick and the guy goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second homeless guy who also asks for a toothpick. He gets the toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door and a third homeless guy.

The landlord says, ‘Don’t tell me, let me guess. You want a toothpick too.’

‘Actually no, thanks, but can I have a straw please?’

The landlord is kind of confused by this but, being a goodhearted man, gives him the straw. But before the guy takes off, curiosity gets the better of the barman, so he asks the guy. ‘Hey, your friends wanted toothpicks. .. and you wanted a straw. What’s going on?’

The man replies, ‘Oh, some drunk girl threw up outside, but all the good stuff’s already gone.’

Blind Sports

A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him. I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go. “But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground”, he answered. “But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered, “Oh that? The dog’s leash goes slack!”

Fishing Tips

A man has been fishing on the bank of a river for hours without a nibble. A newcomer sits down 25 feet away, baits up and casts out. Not two minutes later, he gets a huge strike and lands a trophy. Again and again he baits, casts out and immediately catches a huge fish. The luckless man is now watching the new guy to see his secret. He sees that the man removes a piece of bait from a jar, inspects it carefully and smells it before putting it on the hook. He walks over to him and asks about the bait.The man replies “This is very special bait indeed. I get it from a friend who is a mortician, he cuts the pussy lips off all the women that he works on. The fish really love ’em”.The luckless man asks “But why do you smell each one?””Well..”he replies, ” he’s a real joker, sometimes he throws an asshole in there”.

The afair

a doctor was hhaving an afair with his wife and gets the other woman pregnant.and tell her to send a postcard saying sapggetie on it if she has the baby.one day at work his wife calls and says honey you have a strang postcard saying sapggetie on it.he comes home and it says sapggetie sapggetie sapggetie sapggetie two with meatballs and two without

Untitled joke

How many quadriplegics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don’t know, but you’ve got to admit that it would probably be fun to watch…

The ventriloquist

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there. “Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog.”

The farmer replied, “Well, you know, dogs don’t talk.”

The ventriloquist said, “You’d be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?”

The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog.

“Hi there, Mr. dog,” said the ventriloquist. “How does the farmer treat you?” To which the dog replied, “Oh, he’s great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!”

Needless to say, the farmer was dumfounded. Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could speak with the farmer’s horse.

“Well, you know, horses don’t talk.”

Again the ventriloquist said, “You’d be surprised what a horse might tell you.” So the farmer brought out his horse. “Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?” asked the ventriloquist. The horse then replied, “Oh, I think he’s great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!”

Again the farmer was amazed. Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, “Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?”

“Well,” declared the farmer, “Sheep lie, ya’ know.”

Invisible man

Superman is flying through the skys of metropolis and he thinks to himself “im feeling kinda horny!”just as he thinks that he sees wonder woman sunbathing naked,he thinks BINGO!!”I can fuck her without her knowing!”So he flies down does the buisness and flies off,wonder woman sits up with a startled look on her face and she says “What was that?”then the invisible man says “I dont know but my arse is killing me!”