Category Archives: dirty jokes

The ventriloquist

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there. “Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog.”

The farmer replied, “Well, you know, dogs don’t talk.”

The ventriloquist said, “You’d be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?”

The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog.

“Hi there, Mr. dog,” said the ventriloquist. “How does the farmer treat you?” To which the dog replied, “Oh, he’s great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!”

Needless to say, the farmer was dumfounded. Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could speak with the farmer’s horse.

“Well, you know, horses don’t talk.”

Again the ventriloquist said, “You’d be surprised what a horse might tell you.” So the farmer brought out his horse. “Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?” asked the ventriloquist. The horse then replied, “Oh, I think he’s great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!”

Again the farmer was amazed. Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, “Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?”

“Well,” declared the farmer, “Sheep lie, ya’ know.”

Invisible man

Superman is flying through the skys of metropolis and he thinks to himself “im feeling kinda horny!”just as he thinks that he sees wonder woman sunbathing naked,he thinks BINGO!!”I can fuck her without her knowing!”So he flies down does the buisness and flies off,wonder woman sits up with a startled look on her face and she says “What was that?”then the invisible man says “I dont know but my arse is killing me!”

Golfers

A golfer asked his buddy, “Who is that I saw you playing golf with yesterday”?

“That is my new girlfriend, and she has been beating me in golf. It’s worth it though, because she gives me the best blowjobs I’ve ever had!”

“I’ve got bad news for you, that is not a girl that is a man.”

“Oh no, that rotten, no good S.O.B. has been using the ladies tees!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

The Injured Thumb

This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him. “Goddammit,” said the man, “get your damn thumb out of my food!'”Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm.””Why don’t you just shove it up your ass?”the man said angrily.”That’s what I do when I’m in the kitchen.”

Making Candles

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, “You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they’re fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it’s a wonder any work is getting done, and it’s making a mess all over the ship. I don’t know what to do!”The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion.”Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold.””Well that’s a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I’m out a bag of gold every trip!””Not so,” replied the other captain.”After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time.”The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend’s advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. ‘This is great,’ thought the captain, ‘before long, I’ll be able to buy a new boat!’This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, “What’s the meaning of this?!””You sick bastard,” replied the cop.”Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?””Sure,” said the captain.”What about ’em?!””Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!”

Stuck Vibrator

A gay guy pays a visit on his doctor and confides that he has, um, a vibrator stuck up his ass.

The doc says, “No problem, I’ll have it out shortly.”

“Oh, no, don’t remove it.”

The doc says, puzzled, “Then what do you want me to do?”

“Change the batteries, please.”

Talking baby

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

“Are you my doctor?” he asked.

“Yes, I am.”

The baby said “Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth.”

He looked at his mother and asked, “Are you my mother?”

“Yes, I am,” she said.

“Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born” he said. He then looked at his father and asked “Are you my father?”

“Yes, I am,” his father answered.

The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying “I want you to know that THAT HURTS!”