Category Archives: dirty jokes

Making Candles

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, “You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they’re fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it’s a wonder any work is getting done, and it’s making a mess all over the ship. I don’t know what to do!”The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion.”Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold.””Well that’s a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I’m out a bag of gold every trip!””Not so,” replied the other captain.”After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time.”The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend’s advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. ‘This is great,’ thought the captain, ‘before long, I’ll be able to buy a new boat!’This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, “What’s the meaning of this?!””You sick bastard,” replied the cop.”Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?””Sure,” said the captain.”What about ’em?!””Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!”

Stuck Vibrator

A gay guy pays a visit on his doctor and confides that he has, um, a vibrator stuck up his ass.

The doc says, “No problem, I’ll have it out shortly.”

“Oh, no, don’t remove it.”

The doc says, puzzled, “Then what do you want me to do?”

“Change the batteries, please.”

Talking baby

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

“Are you my doctor?” he asked.

“Yes, I am.”

The baby said “Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth.”

He looked at his mother and asked, “Are you my mother?”

“Yes, I am,” she said.

“Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born” he said. He then looked at his father and asked “Are you my father?”

“Yes, I am,” his father answered.

The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying “I want you to know that THAT HURTS!”

You Have The Brakes

A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.

He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them.

Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two?

Didn’t you hear me blowing the horn? You could’ve been killed!”

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”

Fat housewife

A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, “Come here quick, Charlie! I’m paralyzed! I can’t get up!”He comes in, takes a look, and says, “Stand up, you silly old bat. You’re kneeling on one of your tits.”

Oh the Guilt

After a long sequence of lovemaking, the doctor glanced adoringly at his lady love, who dozed next to him. Suddenly, he felt a sharp pang of guilt.

“Relax, Howard,” he told himself. “You re not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients.”

“No,” another inner voice says.., “but, you re a veterinarian!”

Monica's Dry Cle

One day monica lewinsky walked into a dry cleaners to get her blue dress cleaned because it had a stain on it. She said to the employee “I want this stain taken out of the dress the employee of the store was of japanese decent and didn’t understand her so he said “come again?” to which Monica replied “NO!, its white-out!!!”

Date With

There was a guy named Bill and his girlfriend Jane. Bill broke up with Jane afraid she was cheating on him.

Ironically it was the day before the big costume party (couples only).

Thinking fast, Bill paid a prostitute to go with him. Since it was a costume party he couldn’t see her face.

He took her to his place and they started to take off their costumes.

They got in bed and the prostitute took off her mask and it was………………..










HIS MOM!

Who did you think it was? Jane?

Submitted by Lol_Girl_72
Editted by Curtis

Swapping

Two couples who have been friends for years decide to spend the weekend at a fancy hotel.

When they get there, one of the husbands suggests they get a little wild and swap partners.

After two hours of solid sex by the fireside, the man turns to his new partner and says, Wow! This is the best sex I ve had in years.

Yeah, his new companion agrees.

I wonder how the girls are doing.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo