How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a used tampon and say, “What period is this from?”
How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a used tampon and say, “What period is this from?”
During a human science class for younger students, the teacher
asked the students what part of the human body could grow to six
times its size at certain times. A little girl raised her hand
and said, “Teacher, you know my daddy’s a preacher and you know
we don’t say those words in my house. You are just trying to
embarrass me.” Next he called on Johnny and Johnny said, “The
iris, it grows to six times it size when you are in the dark.”
Teacher said, “That’s right Johnny.” Then said, “Little girl you
have a very dirty mind, and when you grow up and get married one
day, you are going to be very disappointed.”
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,”
he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though,
such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is
no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from
the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
A student comes to a young professor’s office hours. She glances
down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly, “I would do
anything to pass this exam.”
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully
into his eyes. “I mean…” she whispers, “…I would
He returns her gaze. “Anything?” “Yes,… Anything!” His voice
turns to a whisper. “Would you…study?”
Always give 100% at work….
First of all I want to thank the firemen in the sept 11th
And second of all this is a re-write, my old one
Make it out of the fresh pile. So come ahead sue me.
-Sorry For The Spelling_
!~~Parody of the weird hi ho song~~!
hi ho hi ho it’s off stealing i go, gonna get me a truck ,and
run over that duck hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho!
hi ho hi ho it’s off to the store i go gonna buy some beer,
it’s over here hi ho hi ho hi ho!
hi ho hi ho it’s off to poo i go ,i gotta crap, my legs just
snap-ed hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho
hi ho hi ho shaving my arm pits i go ,i got a cut, your’e next
mut hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho
hi ho hi ho it’s off to home I go gonna watch tv ,now i gotta pee
hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho
hi ho hi ho its off to school i go let’s learn some stuff, and
kill people who are tuff hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho
hi ho hi ho it’s off to a fight i go with a very big chain, lets
give some pain hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho!
hi ho hi ho it’s off to war i go with a very big gun and ,we’ll
have lots of fun hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho
hi ho hi ho it’s of to work i go with a naked babe on roller
blades hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho
And please vote it’s a click away?
“Fuck” Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in
the English language today is the word “fuck”. It is the one
magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain,
pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, “fuck” falls into many grammatical categories. It
can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and
intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb
(John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn’t
give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or
as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful)
or an interjection (Fuck! I’m late for my date with Mary). It
can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she’s also
stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the
overall versatility of the word “fuck”..
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be
used to describe many situations:
1. Greetings “How the fuck are ya?”
2. Fraud “I got fucked by the car dealer.”
3. Resignation “Oh, fuck it!”
4. Trouble “I guess I’m fucked now.”
5. Aggression “Fuck you!”
6. Disgust “Fuck me.”
7. Confusion “What the fuck…….?”
8. Difficulty “I don’t understand this fucking business!”
9. Despair “Fucked again…”
10. Pleasure “I fucking couldn’t be happier.”
11. Displeasure “What the fuck is going on here?”
12. Lost “Where the fuck are we.”
13. Disbelief “Unfuckingbeliveable!”
14. Retaliation “Up your fucking ass!”
15. Denial “I didn’t fucking do it.”
16. Perplexity “I know fuck all about it.”
17. Apathy “Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?”
18. Greetings “How the fuck are ya?”
19. Suspicion “Who the fuck are you?”
20. Panic “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”
21. Directions “Fuck off.”
22. Disbelief “How the fuck did you do that?”
It can be used in an anatomical description- “He’s a fucking
It can be used to tell time- “It’s five fucking thirty.”
It can be used in business- “How did I wind up with this fucking
It can be maternal- “Motherfucker.”
It can be political- “Fuck Dan Quayle!”
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
“What the fuck was that?”
Mayor of Hiroshima
“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?”
“Where the fuck is all this water coming from?”
Captain of the Titanic
“That’s not a real fucking gun.”
“Who’s gonna fucking find out?”
“Heads are going to fucking roll.”
“Let the fucking woman drive.”
Commander of Space Shuttle
“What fucking map?”
“Challenger,” Mark Thatcher
“Any fucking idiot could understand that.”
“It does so fucking look like her!”
“How the fuck did you work that out?”
“You want what on the fucking ceiling?”
“Fuck a duck.”
“Why?- Because its fucking there!”
“I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?”
Joan of Arc
“Scattered fucking showers my ass.”
“I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.”
John F. Kennedy-
These are some of the things I think about when I’m home alone
and the TV is broken.
* Why is an orange the only fruit named after its color? Or was
the color named after the fruit?
* Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
* Do they have reserved parking for regular people at the
* Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
* Is a computer virus covered by Medicare?
* How do you know when a Smurf suffocates?
* If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the
* In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the
* Where do swear words come from?
* Why do people use the word “irregardless”?
* Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
* Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
* How does skating on thin ice get you into hot water?
* Why do they have signs at Burger King that say, “Picture menus
available for those who need them”? If you can’t read, how can
you ask for a picture menu?
* If a case of the clap spreads is it called applause?
* Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
* Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?
* Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
* Why are they called “stands” when they’re made for sitting?
* Why is it called “after dark”, when it is really after light?
* Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become
* If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUp?
* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
* Why do they report power outages on TV? I mean, duh!
* If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before
approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth
* If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a
hard-sleeper sleep with?
* Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
* Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
* Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
My Mother taught me LOGIC… “If you fall off that swing and
break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
My Mother taught me MEDICINE… “If you don’t stop crossing your
eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD… “If you don’t pass your
spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”
My Mother taught me ESP… “Put your sweater on; don’t you think
that I know when you’re cold?”
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE… “What were you
thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”
My Mother taught me HUMOR… “When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don’t come running to me.”
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT… “If you don’t eat
your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
My mother taught me about GENETICS… “You are just like your
My mother taught me about my ROOTS… “Do you think you were
born in a barn?”
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE… “When you get to
be my age, you will understand.”
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION… “Just wait until your
father gets home.”
My mother taught me about RECEIVING… “You are going to get it
when we get home.”
and the all time favorite thing–JUSTICE “One day you will have
kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you’ll see
what it’s like.”
Memo to all students:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and
productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all
students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone
else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T.
on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately
placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are
especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you
Students who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in
DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to
go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our
lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don’t have
to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job
teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING
LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students who are intending to pursue a career in management
and consulting, we will refer you to the department of
MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).
This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
PS. Now send this S.H.I.T. to 5 people who need S.H.I.T. in
their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T.,
they have already had their fill of S.H.I.T. Thank You for your
The Director Under the Michigan Bureau of Super High Intensity
Teaching. (The D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.)