Category Archives: education

Mother’s Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going
to let de children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order
dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate
the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful
even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.

Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time
you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling
it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles
so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not
upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman
jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she
begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a
sponge.”

Who Signed It?

A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. “Johnny, who
signed the Declaration of Independence?” He said, “Damn if I
know.” She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him
to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back.

Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the
room to observe. She started back in on her quiz and finally got
back to the boy. “Now, Johnny, I’ll ask you again. Who signed
the Declaration of Independence?” “Well, hell, teacher,” Johnny
said, “I told you I didn’t know.” The father jumped up in the
back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, “Johnny, if
you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!”

Penis on the Blackboard

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed
someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned
around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding
none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger
letters, the word “penis” again on the black board. Again, she
looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she
proceeded with the day’s lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and
found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s
word, larger than the previous day’s word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the
same word on the board, but instead, found the words: “The more
you rub it, the bigger it gets!”

Anatomy

During a human science class for younger students, the teacher
asked the students what part of the human body could grow to six
times its size at certain times. A little girl raised her hand
and said, “Teacher, you know my daddy’s a preacher and you know
we don’t say those words in my house. You are just trying to
embarrass me.” Next he called on Johnny and Johnny said, “The
iris, it grows to six times it size when you are in the dark.”
Teacher said, “That’s right Johnny.” Then said, “Little girl you
have a very dirty mind, and when you grow up and get married one
day, you are going to be very disappointed.”

Negatives

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,”
he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though,
such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is
no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from
the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

Do Anything To Pass Exam

A student comes to a young professor’s office hours. She glances
down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly, “I would do
anything to pass this exam.”

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully
into his eyes. “I mean…” she whispers, “…I would
do…anything!!!”

He returns her gaze. “Anything?” “Yes,… Anything!” His voice
turns to a whisper. “Would you…study?”

The missing song’s from snow white and th 7 dwarfs

First of all I want to thank the firemen in the sept 11th
horrible experence.

And second of all this is a re-write, my old one
didn’t
Make it out of the fresh pile. So come ahead sue me.

-Sorry For The Spelling_

!~~Parody of the weird hi ho song~~!

hi ho hi ho it’s off stealing i go, gonna get me a truck ,and
run over that duck hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho!

hi ho hi ho it’s off to the store i go gonna buy some beer,
it’s over here hi ho hi ho hi ho!

hi ho hi ho it’s off to poo i go ,i gotta crap, my legs just
snap-ed hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho

hi ho hi ho shaving my arm pits i go ,i got a cut, your’e next
mut hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho

hi ho hi ho it’s off to home I go gonna watch tv ,now i gotta pee
hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho

hi ho hi ho its off to school i go let’s learn some stuff, and
kill people who are tuff hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho

hi ho hi ho it’s off to a fight i go with a very big chain, lets
give some pain hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho!

hi ho hi ho it’s off to war i go with a very big gun and ,we’ll
have lots of fun hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho

hi ho hi ho it’s of to work i go with a naked babe on roller
blades hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho

And please vote it’s a click away?

Fuck

“Fuck” Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in
the English language today is the word “fuck”. It is the one
magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain,
pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, “fuck” falls into many grammatical categories. It
can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and
intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb
(John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn’t
give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or
as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).

It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful)
or an interjection (Fuck! I’m late for my date with Mary). It
can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she’s also
stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the
overall versatility of the word “fuck”..

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be
used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings “How the fuck are ya?”
2. Fraud “I got fucked by the car dealer.”
3. Resignation “Oh, fuck it!”
4. Trouble “I guess I’m fucked now.”
5. Aggression “Fuck you!”
6. Disgust “Fuck me.”
7. Confusion “What the fuck…….?”
8. Difficulty “I don’t understand this fucking business!”
9. Despair “Fucked again…”
10. Pleasure “I fucking couldn’t be happier.”
11. Displeasure “What the fuck is going on here?”
12. Lost “Where the fuck are we.”
13. Disbelief “Unfuckingbeliveable!”
14. Retaliation “Up your fucking ass!”
15. Denial “I didn’t fucking do it.”
16. Perplexity “I know fuck all about it.”
17. Apathy “Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?”
18. Greetings “How the fuck are ya?”
19. Suspicion “Who the fuck are you?”
20. Panic “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”
21. Directions “Fuck off.”
22. Disbelief “How the fuck did you do that?”

It can be used in an anatomical description- “He’s a fucking
asshole.”
It can be used to tell time- “It’s five fucking thirty.”
It can be used in business- “How did I wind up with this fucking
job?”
It can be maternal- “Motherfucker.”
It can be political- “Fuck Dan Quayle!”

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

“What the fuck was that?”
Mayor of Hiroshima

“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?”
General Custer

“Where the fuck is all this water coming from?”
Captain of the Titanic

“That’s not a real fucking gun.”
John Len
“Who’s gonna fucking find out?”
Richard Nixon

“Heads are going to fucking roll.”
Anne Boleyn

“Let the fucking woman drive.”
Commander of Space Shuttle

“What fucking map?”
“Challenger,” Mark Thatcher

“Any fucking idiot could understand that.”
Albert Einstein

“It does so fucking look like her!”
Picasso

“How the fuck did you work that out?”
Pythagoras

“You want what on the fucking ceiling?”
Michaelangelo

“Fuck a duck.”
Walt Disney

“Why?- Because its fucking there!”
Edmund Hilary

“I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?”
Joan of Arc

“Scattered fucking showers my ass.”
Noah

“I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.”
John F. Kennedy-