Category Archives: engineers

Intelligent Life

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the
scientific achievement of a lifetime.

As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head
scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a
congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.

He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.

“Mr. President,” said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, “after twelve years of
hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent
life on Mars.”

He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a
frown.

He said, “But that’s impossible . . . we could never do it. . . yes Mr.
President,” and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring
at him curiously.

“I have some bad news,” he said, “the President said that now that we’ve found
intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress.”

Computer Lab

My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed
a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed
across her chest, staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position,
only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help. She replied, “It’s
about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!”

There are lawyers on the flight

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew
to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency
landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if
everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still
going around passing out business cards.”

Send

A customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After
40 minutes of trouble-shooting. The tech discovered the man was trying to fax a
piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the
‘Send’ key.

****GM vs. MICROSOFT*****

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated: ”If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five
dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating
(by Mr. Welch himself):

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars
with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new
car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would
just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car
to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall
the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ”Car95” or
”CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five
times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent
of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced
by a single ”general car default” warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say ”Are you sure?” before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the
key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand
McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor
want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s
performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for
investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.

13. You’d press the ”start” button to shut off the engine.

God is Love

Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a
question. Abort, Retry, Fail?

In The Beginning…

A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose
profession was the oldest.

The doctor said, “Well, in the beginning, God created Eve out of
Adam and that was a surgical procedure.”

The engineer said, “Yes, but God also created order out of chaos
and that was an engineering move.”

And the lawyer replied, “Yes, but who created chaos?” (from
Rotarian Richard Anderson)