Category Archives: european

French Legionaries

Three French legionaries are hiking across the desert where they
have been for several days. They are out of food and on their
last ration of water.

As they walk a bit further, the head legionary thinks he sees
something up ahead and cries to the others (in a French accent),
“look! It is a bacon tree! It is what we ‘ave been waiting for!”

And sure enough, there seems to be a tree covered with streaky
bacon. Of course the legionaries are delighted, so desperate
that they don’t even consider the possibility of it being a
mirage.

As they get closer, the head legionary says, “Stay ‘ere. I will
investigate”. So he approaches, but as he does so, two gunshots
penetrate the deadly silence, seeming to com from the bacon
tree, and strike down the legionary. The tree disappears.

The other two rush to see if there is anything they can do, but
it seems almost too late.

“Sir!” they cry, “are you alright?”

And the head legionary, before he dies, says, “Zat was not a
bacon tree…zat was an ‘ambush!”

French Countryside Visions

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside,
admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he
spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his
initial shock he said to himself, ‘Ah, young love… ze spring
time, ze air, ze flowers… C’est magnifique!’ and continued to
watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and
said, ‘Mais… Sacre bleu! Ze woman – she is dead!’ and he
hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the
police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,
‘Jean… Jean zere is zis man, zis woman… naked in farmer
Gaston’s field making love.’ The police chief smiled and said;
‘Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love,
ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L’amour! Zis is ok.’

‘Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!’

Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the
station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field,
confirmed Henri’s story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop
to call the doctor:

‘Pierre, Pierre, … this is Jean, I was in Gaston’s field; zere
is a young couple naked ‘aving sex ‘

To which Pierre replied, ‘Jean, I am a man of science. You must
remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L’amour! Zis is
very natural.’

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, ‘NON, you do not
understand; ze woman, she is dead!’

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, ‘Mon dieu!’ grabbed his black
medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other
tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to
Gaston’s field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back
to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got
there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, ‘Ah, mes amis,
do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead; she is British.’

Eurolanguage Year 2000

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been
reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish [Euro for
short].

In the first year, ‘s’ will be used instead of the soft ‘c’. Sertainly,
sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard ‘c’ will be
replased with ‘k’. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters
kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome ‘ph’ will be replased by ‘f’. This will make words like
‘fotograf’ 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which ahve always
ben a deternent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes
of silent ‘e’ in the languaj is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the forth uer, peopl wil be receptiv to steps such as replasing the
‘th’ by ‘z’ and the ‘w’ by ‘v’. During the fifz uer, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan
be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’, and similar changes nud of kors be
splid to ozeer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli senisbl riten styl. Zer vil be no
mor tubls or difikultis and avrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

Honeymoon in Minnesota

Ollie and Olga were two Norwegians in the United States who were
madly in love. They decided to be married in the middle of duck
hunting season and have their honeymoon in Minnesota. They could
not afford to fly, so the had to take a bus from Chicago through
Wisconsin with a bunch of duck hunters. The bus is driving
along, and all of a sudden it breaks down in the middle of
Milwaukee. So while they are waiting, the duck hunters go inside
a coffee shop. Outside, Ollie, who is much to anxious to wait
for Minnesota, asks Olga, “Hey Olga, you vant to mess around in
the bushes?”

Olga replies quite upset, “No! I vant to vait until Minnesota so
it tis right!” Ollie is disappointed, but leaves it at that.
Soon after they are back on the road.

But a few hours later, the bus breaks down again in the middle
of Madison. So while they are waiting AGAIN, the duck hunters go
inside a coffee shop. Outside, Ollie, who is still quite
“antsy,” again asks Olga, “Hey Olga, you vant to mess around in
the bushes?”

Olga replies, “I’ve already to you! No! I vant to vait until
Minnesota so it tis right!” Ollie is once again disappointed but
says nothing. The bus is soon ready and begins back on the
journey to Minnesota with the duck hunters who are anxiously
waiting.

The bus does not get any further than Wisconsin Dells when it
breaks down AGAIN! The duck hunters go inside the coffee shop,
very annoyed thinking that they may actually miss duck hunting
season. Olga, trying to avoid Ollie, followed the duck hunters
inside the coffee shop and kinda overheard the duck hunters’
conversation.

After Olga gets her coffee she goes outside and whispers to
Ollie, “Hey Ollie, you vant to mess around in the bushes?”

Ollie, quite shocked replies, “But I thought you vanted to vait
until Minnesota!”

Olga quickly answers, “Ya, I did…But I the duck hunters vere
talking in the coffee shop, and they said ‘By the time ve get to
Minnesota, the FUCKING season vill be over’.”

WC

In the days when you couldn’t count on a public facility to have
indoor plumbing, an English woman was planning a trip to Europe.

She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the
local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest
house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called
a WC which stands for water closet. She wrote the schoolmaster
inquiring into the location of the nearest WC.

The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest
if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible
meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to
know if there was a “Wayside Chapel” near the house . . . a
bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote
the following reply:

Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9
miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of
pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of
holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As
there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest
you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room.
This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the
habit of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married
in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a
wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was
wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly,
has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a
year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch
and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute
and arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to
go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The
acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be
heard everywhere.

The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person
enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all
since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting
you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be
seen by all.

With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster

"The Man" Contest

In “THE MAN” world wide competition there are three finalists
left: a German, an American, and an Albanian. The last challenge
is who can survive the longest in a room with 500 pound gorilla.

So the American goes first. After 2 seconds the American comes
out with his clothes ripped off screaming and rubbing his ass.

The German looks at him and laughs. “You American pussy, he says
and goes in. But not even a second he comes out naked screaming,
“Ah my aaasssss!”

The last one is the Albanian. So he goes in. Five minutes go by
and he’s not coming out. Ten minutes, 20 minutes, 30
minutes…after one hour he comes out, without even a scratch on
him. Everybody is amazed. After 5 seconds the gorilla comes
out and in a soft voice says, “Are you coming back”?

Leprechaun

This guy was playing a round of golf on his favorite golf course. On the
sixth he hit the ball out of bounds into a wooded area. As he searched for
the ball he saw a leprechaun sitting down holding his head, the ball had
hit him on the groin. He went over to the leprechaun and asked him if he
was ok.

The leprechaun looked at him and said, “Ok you’ve got me, I know you want
wishes, what are they?”

The man said that he didn’t want any wishes and that he just wanted to
make sure that he was ok. The leprechaun said that he was okay and walked
away surprised. The man picked up his ball and went about continuing his
golf.

Later that day the leprechaun was thinking about what had happened and
said to himself what a nice guy and that he would give him wishes anyway.
He said to himself, “I will give him what any man wants: lots of money, a
great golf game and a great sex life.”

A year later the guy was playing the same golf course and played the exact
same shot at the same hole. As he looked for the ball he had hit the
leprechaun again. He said sorry and the leprechaun remembered him. The
leprechaun asked him if anything had changed in the past year.

“How are things financially?” the leprechaun asked. “Great,” said the guy,
“I always seem to have lots of money.”

“How about the golf?” “Incredible,” said the guy, “I haven’t been over par
since I met you last.”

“And what about the sex life, are you getting enough?” The guy looked
around sheepishly, “As a matter a fact, I must be getting laid at least
once a week.”

The leprechaun looked surprised and asked, “Is that all?”

“It’s not bad for a priest in a small village.” the guy replied.

Italian Conversation on a Bus

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves,
and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind
them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following;
“Emma comes first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I
come again. Two asses they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come once-a more.”

“You foul mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In
this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “I’mma just tellun my
friend howa to spella Mississippi.”

Bull’s Balls

There was a guy who was searching for the most potent
aphrodisiac in the world . He went to a Chinese herbal coctor
who told him that bull’s balls were the most potent one.

He then went to Spain, the bull-fighting capital of the world.
He found a restaurant in Pamplona who specialized in serving
bull’s balls. He then was able to gorge himself out day in and
day out of this aphrodisiac. One day, he noticed that his
serving of bull’s balls were smaller. He then asked the waiter
what happened. The waiter replied non-chanantly, “Well senor,
sometimes the bull wins.”