Category Archives: farmers

Why New Yorkers Are Not Ranchers

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
“Well,” said the would-be-cattleman. “I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we’re calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y.”

“But where are all your cattle?”

“So far, none have survived the branding.”

Chinese Farmer’s Daughter

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

“Ok,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”

“Well, that’s pretty crappy,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: “Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, “Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

Shave and a bit more..

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, ‘I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.’ The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, ‘Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.’ She replied, ‘I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.’The cowboy said, ‘Tell him your working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.’ She said, ‘You tell him. He is the one shaving you.’

A Good Deal

This guy was visitng the country one day and saw a for sale sign in front of a farm. The guy goes up to the farm and asks the farmer to show him around the farm.
The farmer starts with the house and shows him all the rooms. The guy likes the house and tells him that he always wanted a house like this on his farm.

Then the farmer shows him the barn. The city fellow likes the barn and tells him that he’s always wanted a barn like this on his farm. Then the farmer shows him the land and the guy is very pleased with it and was just about to write the farmer a check when he noticed some bees flying around a tree.

The farmer told him they were honey bees and that they were very nice. The man still refused and told him he didn’t trust bees and he didn’t want any on his farm.

The farmer was very eager to sell his farm so he told the man that he’ll tie him naked to a tree and cover him with honey and if one of the bees stings him he could have this farm for half of what he was asking. The buyer agrees and lets the farmer ties him up.

About 6 hours later the farmer remembers about the buyer and went to see him. When he got to him he asked him if any bees stung him and he said, “No but doesn’t this cow have a mother?”

Big Eared Mule

There were two farmers, neither one had much common sense. They were told by their boss to put the mule in the barn.
When they led the mule over to the barn, they decided that the mule’s ears were to long and he would not fit into the barn. So they put their heads together and decided to get a ladder and a saw and saw the overhead of the barn out so the mule could walk right on in the barn.

They began their job and the boss walked over to them and asked them why they were sawing out the top of the barn. When they told him the mule’s ears were too long to go into the barn, the boss said:

“Why don’t you just get a shovel and dig the dirt out of the ground below, then the mule could walk on in”

The two half smarts looked at each other and said “We told you his “ears” are too long, not his feet !

King of the Roost

One day an old rooster who was the king of the hen house is approached by a young strong rooster who says, “You have been king of this hen house for a long time. It is time for me to step in and take over so I am calling you out. If I can take you in a fight, then I will become king of the roost.”
The old rooster replies, “I know I have gotten old and you can probably knock my block off. I really don’t want to fight you. I am willing to step down from my position but I want to do it with dignity. Let’s have a race. We will race around the hen house three times. If you let me lead the first two laps, I will feel like I have had my final moment of glory and will step down as king of the hen house. You can pass me at the beginning of the third lap, win the race, and step in as the new king of the roost.”

The young rooster agrees and the race begins. The old rooster is getting pretty tired by the end of the second lap and the young rooster starts to close in to make the pass and lead the final lap.

Just then, there is a series of shotgun blasts from the farm house. The young rooster is sent spinning across the barn yard with the second blast.

Over on the farm house porch, the farmer puts down his shotgun, turns to his wife and says, “Damn, Mildred, that is the third mixed up rooster we have had this week!!”

Comfortable

Ole and Lena’s bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn’t leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.
The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.

Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. “Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn’t you make an exception just once?” pleaded Lena. “Sorry lady,” he replied, “but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street.”

At the Telegraph office, Lena asked, “Mister, how many vords can I send to my husband for a dime?” “It’s ten cents a word,” the clerk answered. Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, “OK, here’s da message: “COMFORTABLE”.

Country Lane

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plough your land? At night?”

“No,” the young farmer replied seriously, “Night is when I put the water in the hole”

Fruity Punishment

One day three salesmen went to a farmer. They asked him if he wanted to buy some of their products. He said, “All right. Wait here until I come back with the money…-but don’t touch my daughter while I’m gone!”

When he came back, he found them all on top of his daughter. He pointed his shotgun at them and said ,”Go out to my garden, pick 10 things, and come back in here.”

The first salesman came in there with 10 cherries. The farmer goes, “Ok, shove them up your butt and you can go.” So, not wanting to be shot, the salesman shoved the cherries up his butt and he was free to go

The second salesman came in with 10 oranges. Again, the farmer told him to shove them up his butt. After he had done that, the salesman started laughing. The farmer asked, “what’s so funny?”

The salesman replies, “The other guy’s out there picking watermelons.”