Five Reasons Why Santa must be a Woman…
1. First of all, Santa “remembers” it’s Christmas.
2. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
3. Only a woman would come up with a silly red pantsuit
and matching belt to boot!
4. No guy would ever name his animals Rudouph, Dancer,
Prancer, Glizten, etc.. Sissy names….
5. Nobody has ever seen Santa leaking off a roof…
Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts,
*still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I’m sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell “She’s Dead” at roll call.
The principal’s toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal “spud head”.
Goldfish don’t bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say “Springfield” just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with “Hail Satan”.
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher “Hot Cakes”.
Garlic gum is not funny.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not yell “Fire” in a crowded classroom.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not fake my way through life.
Tar is not a plaything.
I will not Xerox my butt.
It’s potato, not potatoe.
I will not trade pants with others.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not drive the principal’s car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not sell school property.
I will not burp in class.
I will not cut corners.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not show off.
I will not sleep through my education.
I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don’t mix.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
I will not squeak chalk.
I will finish what I sta
“Bart Bucks” are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
There was a Scottish man and Irish man and a Chinese man
the scottish man, the irish man and the chinese man all decided
to take there dogs for a walk, so off they went,
the scots man took his dog to the corner of the street and it
had a wee,
on the next corner the irish mans dog had a wee,
not once did the chinese mans dog have a wee, the scots man and
the irish man were confused and asked ” why does your dog not
wee?” The chinese man replyed
“Me not soft, me not silly, me tie not in doggies willy!”
There were once three men named Bob,Jimbo and Tim.
One day Bob needed a beer so he suggested going to ‘The Old Hag’
“OK” said the others and they walked for five minutes to get
When they did it was shut!All they saw was one man behind the
“Oh no!” said Tim “I’m thirsty too! Lets go to ‘The Daft
Mare’,but it is quite far from here”.
“OK” said the others and they walked the 45-minute journey to
the next pub,and alas,it was shut also,except for the same man
behind the bar.”Oh SHIT!” yelled Jimbo “I’m GAGGING for a
pint,lets go to ‘The Queen’s Legs’for a beer-it’s ages away,but
“OK LAST ONE!” agreed everyone,and they all walked the hour’s
journey to ‘The Queen’s Legs’.
When they got there a sign on the door said:
OPEN IN FIVE MINUTES!
so they decided to wait,when suddenly they saw their friend
Willie coming long the road
“What are you doing here?”He asked
“We are waiting for “The Queen’s Legs’ to open so we can have a
drink!”said Bob,and 5mins later they walked in only to find the
man behind the bar again sitting there grinning.
“What are you grinning at?” Asked Jimbo
“CAN’T YOU READ THE SIGN MAN?”He said,pointing to the right.
Jimbo turned,and sure enough there was the sign-
‘SORRY NO TRAVELLERS’ !!!!!!!!
There were three guys waiting to get into heaven, they were at
the pearly gates and Saint Peter told them that to get into
heaven, they had to answer one question, which was, ” Have you
been faithful to your wife?”. The first man told him, that yes,
he had been faithful and had never even thought about fooling
around. Saint Peter, gave the man a cadillac and let him in the
pearly gates. The second guy said, that yes he had been
faithful, but he did think about fooling around a couple of
times, Saint Peter gave him a bicycle and let him in the pearly
gates. The third guy stepped up, and hanging his head down, said
that he was unfaithful every chance he got, and was deeply sorry
for it. Saint Peter gave him a skateboard and let him in the
Then one day, the guy on the skateboard, saw the guy in the
cadillac pulled over by a cloud and just crying his eyes out.
The skateboarder asked him why he was crying, he got the
cadillac and he shouldn’t have anything to cry about. The guy in
the cadillac looked up and said, ” I just saw my wife skateboard
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the
judge said to Mickey, “You say here that your wife is crazy.”
Mickey replied, “No I didn’t, I said she was fucking Goofy.”
1. Kid’s letter to North Pole comes back stamped, “Dream on!”
2. Kid asks for new bike, but gets a packet of cigarettes.
3. Along with presents, Santa leaves a hefty bill for shipping
4. By the time he gets to your house, all he has are styrofoam
5. Christmas Day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his
6. Instead of “naughty” or “nice”, Santa has him/her on the
7. Sends him/her off on one of those Carnival Cruises with Kathie
8. First words when kid gets on his lap are, “Touch my beard,
and I’ll put the hurt on you!”
9. Label on all kids toys read, “Straight from Craptown.”
10. Four words: “Off my lap Tubby!”
Two men a white man and a hispanic man were driving down the
freeway when a black mans car swerved out of its lane and hit
the other car head on. All three men died on contact, and went
to hell. When they got there Satan told them that he would grab
their penis, and if it melted they would stay in hell, if it
didnt they could go to heaven. First Satan grabbed the white
mans penis and it melted, then he grabbed the asian mans penis
and also it melted. Satan feeling pretty confident strutted
over to the black guy and grabbed his penis, and held it, but
for some reason it didn’t melt, Satan feeling pretty pissed
asked why his penis didn’t melt, the black man replied
“Chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hand, Sir”
One day the seven dwarfs decided to go swimming and they were
all feeling happy, so Happy hopped out.
An old man in heaven comes up to Jesus Christ. “Hello, young
man,” he says, “would you help me look for my son?” Jesus Christ
smiles apologetically and says “You know, sir, Heaven is very
big, and it is awfully hard to find someone here.”
The old man says “No, I’m sure you know my son. He was very well
known and he had nails put in his hands and feet.” Jesus looks
at the man in awe and asks slowly, “Father?!” The old man,
pleased at the recognition, says, “Pinnochio?!!”