Category Archives: gays & lesbians

dead end date bob

there once was man who was very bored. he watched tv played a
game and listended to music but he was still bored.

so the man (bob)dicided to join a dating service so he wouldnt
always be so bored. on his first date bob meets a young blonde
girl in her mid 20s. bob is very attracted to her and trys to
make his move. while watching a movie at a drivr in bob starts
to touch her. he slowly touches her parts but she doesnt seem to
notice. so bob finally hits her really and she screams really
loud, for bob had broke her arm.

the blonde brings the case to court so bob would have to pay
medical expences. the blonde win the case and bob is forced to
pay 300 dallors.

bob goes on another date this time with a blonde in her early
20s. this time they go to a pool for a swim. bob tries to make
his move on this girl to. while the girl is swimming bob
“accedently” touched her breasts. the girl is affended a slaps
bob and goes home.

bob goes on many bad dates and is know for it. no girl in the
area even ties to go out with bob so bob moves to a city in new
york ware he gets a new job in the world trade center and signs
up at aanother dating service.

on bobs first date at the new service he goes out with a very
hot blonde girl. they imeditly fall in love and get married.

after 15 years of being married thay get a divorve. bob is
know45 years old and has lost all is hair and is very
unatractive so no one is willing to date him. so bob is bored
for many more years until he is 60 and goes to an retirement
home. there he meets some old chicks. he falls in love with one
on person exept it is a guy.

the guy and bob move to texas where they get a legal gay
marrige. they live happly for 10 years until the guy dies from a
oversized anus.(i wonder how that happened) bob is very sad but
wants to have another partner so he goes date hunting again. bob
goes on many dead end dates with old men.

one day bob dies because one of dates was a pysco killer and
murdered him. in hevan bob goes up to st. peter. there are only
6 other people in line so st. peter says the man who had the
worst life will be the only won to get to hevan. the first man
says how he was in the army for 30 years and faght all his life
nd how he died from being tortured to death.

all the other men in line to get into hevan tell their life
story which were all far worse then bobs but bob was the one who
got into hevan. all the other men were angerd by st. peters
chioce and asked why they chose bob.

this is what st. peter said ” every gay manwho has died has gone
to hell. bob is the first gay man to come to hevan. i want him
for myself!

Ol’ Kelly the Cook

A traveling salesman stops for the night in a tiny town. He is
feeling unbelievably horny, so he goes to the local bar to scope
out to local females. When he gets there he finds that there are
no women in the bar, and after a few drinks no women have come
in. Come to think of it, he can’t remember seeing any women in
the entire town. So he asks the bartender where he can find some
women.

“Sorry,” the bartender replies, “there aren’t any women in this
town, only ol’ Kelly cook, out back”

“Hey, I’m not like that!” shouts the man, slightly offended.
After a few more drinks he is feeling even hornier, and once
again pleads with the bartender about where he can find some
women.

“Sorry,” the bartender replies, “there aren’t any women in this
town, only ol’ Kelly cook, out back.”

“I already told you, I’m not like that!”

The man sucks down a few more drinks and, now slightly drunk and
incredibly horny, says to the bartender, “Com’ on, there’s GOT
to be some women in this town. I’ve got money, I can pay for
one.”

“I’m sorry,” the bartender replies again, “there aren’t any
women in this town, only ol’ Kelly cook, out back”

“I’M NOT LIKE THAT!!!!!” he screams, but, overcome with
horniness the man turns back to the bartender and concedes,
“alright! How do I get to ol’ Kelly the cook?”

“Okay, go out back,” the bartender explains. Pointing towards
two large men he continues, “Joe and Bruno here will bring out
ol’ Kelly the cook.”

“What are Joe and Bruno for?” asks the man, confused.

“They’re to hold him down. Ol’ Kelly the cook isn’t like that
either.”

Nun Named Bob

There was a nun that needed a ride so she waved down a taxi. The
driver pulled up and took the nun where she needed to go. During
the ride the man said to the nun, “You’re pretty hot, for a
nun!”

The nun thanked the man by asking him if he’d like to have sex
with her. He agreed and the nun said, “only under one condition,
you mustn’t be married, you mustn’t have kids, and it must be
anal sex!” So the two people got out and had anal sex for hours
and did not stop for anything (once you pop the fun don’t
stop… til one of you gets tired!) After they were sweaty
enough, they got in the cab and continued driving!

The man got very guilty and told the nun that he was married and
had two kids! The nun said, “That’s ok because my name is Bob
and I’m on my way to a costume party!”

hotel

Why are gay’s the first ones out of the hotel in the morning?

because they get their shit packed the ngiht before.

gays

There were these three gay guys going at it one night, and they
run out of vasaline. So the first guy says “hey dont do anything
until i get back from the store” so the other two said “alright
we’ll wait”
So upon returning from the store the man notices that there is
vasaline all over the place. He says “I thought you guys
promised not to do anything until i got back!” The second guy
goes “We didnt” so the first guy says “then what is all this on
the walls?” upon syaing this the third guy steps up and says “I
farted”

Lesbian in a Bar

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a girl and starts
flirting with her. She turns around and says, “You know, I’m a
lesbian.” He just nods and keeps flirting. So she turns around
again and says to him, “Do you know what a lesbian is?” He
replies no. She says, “You see that woman there. I want to strip
her down and have open sex with her all over the floor.” Upon
hearing that, the man starts sobbing. She asks, “What’s wrong?”
And he says, “I think I’m a lesbian too!”

Deductive Reasoning

Neighbor 1: “Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to
be moving”

New Neighbor: “Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely
friendly”

Neighbor 1: “So what is it you do for a living?”

New Neighbor: “I am a professor at the University, I teach
deductive reasoning”

Neighbor 1: “Deductive reasoning, what is that?

“New Neighbor: “Let me give you and example. I see you have a
dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.”

Neighbor 1: “That is right”

New Neighbor: “The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce
that you have a family.

Neighbor 1: “Right again”

New Neighbor: “Since you have a family I deduce that you have a
wife”

Neighbor 1: “Correct”

New Neighbor: “And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you
are heterosexual”

Neighbor 1: “Yup”

New Neighbor: “That is deductive reasoning”

Neighbor 1: “Cool”

Later that same day

Neighbor 1: “Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in
next door”

Neighbor 2: “Is he a nice guy?”

Neighbor 1: “Yes, and he has an interesting job”

Neighbor 2: “Oh, yeah what does he do?”

Neighbor 1: “He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the
University”

Neighbor 2: “Deductive reasoning, what is that”

Neighbor 1: “Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog
house?”

Neighbor 2: “No”

Neighbor 1: “You must be gay!”

First Date

my friends first date true story he told me

6:00 pm
arrives at girls house
is told she is getting ready
father stares menacingly from across the den

6:10 pm
father blinks
girl comes down half naked to find bra
father covers boys eyes

6:30 pm
girl is finally ready
get in car
wont start
father gives advise

6:45 pm
car starts
girls sleeping cat dies inside car
car smells

7:00 pm
movie sold out
only movie avaliable: Shallow Hal

7:01 pm
leave in disgust
go out to dinner

7:10 pm
arrive at resterant
no reservation
has to slip waiter $100 to get table

7:15 pm
asks to go to bathroom

7:20 pm
goes in stall
glasses fall in toilet

7:25 pm
realizes glasses fell in toilet after taking a dump
must reach in to get glass

7:26 pm
faucet is broken
no towels must use tp
leaves white stuff on lenses and hands

7:45 pm
returns red-faced from all the cleaning
girl stares at him weird
said she ordered for them both

8:45 pm
food arrives

8:46 pm
takes first bite
finds it tasty

8:47 pm
asks what it is

8:48 pm
in the bathroom again

9:00 pm
finally nothing left in his stomach
returns to table

9:01 pm
girl says she didn’t know he was alergic to oysters
asks to go dancing
boy can’t dance but says yes

9:15 pm
returns to table with swollen feet
asks waiter for the strongest drink in the house
they bring him tap water
tounge is so numb from throwing up he can’t tell the difference

9:20 pm
bill arrives
girl suggests going dutch
boy refuses as to not look cheep
only has enough to leave a $.01 tip
says to himself the service wasn’t that good anyway

9:25 pm
boy makes mental note to seek medical attention for the black
eye the waiter gave him

9:30 pm
girl suggests going to make-out point
boy happily agrees

9:40 pm
arrives at make-out point

9:41 pm
sees girls parents in the next car

9:42 pm
moves to other side of the point

9:45 pm
heavy making out

9:46 pm
hears a knock on car window
rolls down window
girls father asks for a condom
boy floors it
father still walks with a limp

10:00 pm
arrives back at girls house
boy makes move to kiss girl
dad turns out light
girl yells “thanks dad now we can be really uninhibited”
light comes back on

10:05 pm
attempt at goodnight kiss
boy misses and falls onto girl, face on chest

10:06 pm
boy makes mental note to seek medical attention for stinging
cheek

10:10 pm
gets into car
car won’t start
dad comes out with a baseball bat
steps up to side of car
car starts
boy floors it
dad walks with a limp in the other leg too

11:20 pm
arrives at home
boys dad asked how the date went
boy crys

11:21 pm
father wonders if boy is gay

gay bar

This guy had a hard day at work and decided to get a drink on
the way home. He stopped in to this bar and didn’t realize it
was a gay bar. He took a seat in this both and a waiter came up
to him and asked what the name of his penis was. The guy looked
at him puzled and said what?? The waiter replied i have to know
the name of your penis before I can serve you it is house rules.
The man asked well what is the name of yours?? the waiter said
it is NIKE ya know just do it. Oh said the guy a few min. passed
and the waiter asked him again a short pause then the man
replied it is SECRET the waiter questioned what does that mean
the man sad ya know strong enough for a man but made for a woman.