Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned. “
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, “Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?” His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, “Don’t tell your father, but, yes, I would.”
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, “Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?” His sister looks up and says, “Omigod! Definitely!”
The kid goes back to his father and says, “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores.”
I walked into the living room the other day and caught my dad screwing my mum’s purse.
So I said to him, “What are you doing, dad?”
He replies, “Well son, I’ve always wanted to come into money.”
Edited by Yisman
Why did all the young girls flock to the courtroom?
They’d heard about the hung jury.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
BECAUSE I’M A GUY Because I’m a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I’m a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.
Because I’m a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.
Because I’m a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.
Because I’m a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart — despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I’m a guy, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger — how the heck could HE know where we’re going?
Because I’m a guy, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t.
Because I’m a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother’s Day is okay, I don’t need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?
Because I’m a guy, I am capable of announcing, “one more beer and I really have to go,” and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I’ll be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What’s the connection?
Because I’m a guy, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.
Because I’m a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I’m a guy, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I’m a guy and this is, after all, the ’90s, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.
A lady’s picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
He says, “No, ma’am, they’re dead.”
One day an english guy was wearing a thong bathing suit. He
layed in the grass all day. He woke up and his dick was itching.
He realized ne nad crabs. “I’ve got crotch feasants.” he told
his girlfriend. “SO just shave the hair off.”
So he went home got a razor and started shaving.While he was
shaving he cut his penis and his scrotum off. He went to the
doctor and he said he could perform surgery to give him a
vagina. But in would take weeks to get all of his dead insides
out. So they gave him knock out gas. He woke up a week later
feeling like he had wild sex. And the doctor came in getting
dressed. “Oh you’re up well your all set.” he said. “why do I
feel like I’ve been having wild sex?”
“Well to tell you the truth it only took me one day to fix you.
But I gave you female hormones you grew breast and longer hair.
So I had sex with you and gave you a home pregnancy test. And
we’ll have a child nine months from last tuesday.”
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean…)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance”.)
9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (I don’t want to do my Dad.)
8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)
6. I’ve got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s.)
5. I don’t date men where I work. (I wouldn’t date you if you were in the same ‘solar system’, much less the same building.)
4. It’s not you, it’s me. (It’s you.)
3. I’m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I’m celibate. (I’ve sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let’s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It’s that male perspective thing.)
Now the male perspective on the same issue:
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean…)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You’re ugly.)
9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You’re ugly.)
8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You’re ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You’re ugly.)
6. I’ve got a girlfriend. (You’re ugly.)
5. I don’t date women where I work. (You’re ugly.)
4. It’s not you, it’s me. (You’re ugly.)
3. I’m concentrating on my career. (You’re ugly.)
2. I’m celibate. (You’re ugly.)
1. Let’s be friends. (You’re sinfully ugly.)
Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.
There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear.
The hunter’s shock was increased when the bear spoke to him, “You are hunting me, I’ll bet”, said the bear. “You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the ass!”
The hunter didn’t want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.
The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.
The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear!
Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly’s offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, “You’re not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?