Category Archives: gender

Hair Cuts

Woman1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!
Woman2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me
the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?
Woman1: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair
cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much
stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable, and
you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look
so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I
was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman1: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck!
Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for
a shoulder line.
Woman2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to
have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I
mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had
your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much
easier………

Men’s version:

Man1: Haircut?
Man2: Yeah.

He or She???

Reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

Question and answer

Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?A: In the pages of a romance novel.

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses…

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 Light breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend’s/husband’s ex – who has gained 30 lbs.
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

Things Women Will Simply Never Understand

Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it’s annoying that women spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they’ll never understand…

1. Our consuming need to own the biggest and most expensive version of just about everything.

Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in cities and use corkscrews that resemble off-shore drilling equipment is well documented. As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms like “professional” or “industrial strength”, because inside every man is the germ of every profession he ever imagined himself one day excelling at. Most of these purchases are harmless, little more than childish wish fulfillment played out at a higher testosterone level. But occasionally we go too far. The guy upstairs from me once boasted that he had a filter which filled his flat with “operating theatre quality air”. I kept him away from my surgical steel steak knives.

2. Why we are so bad at shopping.

We’ve never been trained to do it the right way. Supermarkets are like giant booby traps for males – which is why if you send a man out to but eggs, sugar and bread you should not be surprised if he returns home with a case of wine, a pair of jeans and a tree.

3. The reason why we don’t like to discuss The Relationship.

Most of us will find any excuse to dodge those conversations that start with questions like “Are you really happy?” and “Where do you see us going?” A relationship is a delicate thing, like an antique clock, and we know what will happen if we start picking it apart. Often our reticence will result in a lengthy conversation about why we have trouble talking about The Relationship.

4. Why we think we can fix things.

Almost all men believe they can repair virtually anything with a little patience. In reality, we’re only half right. Men are extremely good at taking things apart: whether it’s a dishwasher or an antique clock, a man can break it down to its most basic components in no time. Unfortunately, this is where our expertise usually leaves off, and we’re mostly satisfied with leaving bits and pieces spread all over newspaper on the kitchen table.

5. Men and video games.

Women cannot understand how grown men can waste huge chunks of their lives zapping things off a screen. When a man repeatedly rings his girlfriend to say he has to work late and routinely comes home at two in the morning all glassy eyed, she will usually take this as evidence of an affair – when it’s more likely that a pirated copy of Streetfighter II is making the rounds at the office.

6. That sometimes we really are ill.

When men get ill, women are generally united in their belief that we are faking it. This is based on a tired old axiom stating that men will never fully understand the agony of childbirth so deserve no sympathy regarding matters of pain, fear or incapacitation. For the record, it should be noted that all men are in a constant state of feeling slightly under the weather just from being men. It’s only a misplaced sense of machismo that forces us from our beds every day to go into work and then down to the pub for a couple of schooners of the only thing that ever makes us feel any better.

7. The way we watch television.

Men don’t just watch the TV, they plug right in. Once we’re on the right wavelength, we can watch almost anything, including commercials, with a slack-jawed intensity which probably drives you crazy. Unfortunately for women, men cannot achieve this higher state without a firm grasp on the remote.

8. Our sense of humor.

When women say that what they most want from a man is a sense of humor, they tend to mean something different from what we mean. Women never understand the comic genius of their mate who makes beer come out of his nose.

9. Why we’re so boring.

Male conversation generally relies heavily on petty obsession, technical jargon, numbing detail and presumed expertise. Topics that women only feel the need to mention in passing become Test-Match length debates among men. True, some of us are able to combine a scintillating wit with a flair for story telling and a nose for gossip, but we tend to reserve these talents for conversations with women. Between ourselves, the drive to talk at length about tire pressure or “Star Trek” episodes is too alluring. Even if your local pool team boasted Socrates, Einstein and Oscar Wilde as members, you’d still probably have to discuss the fastest way to get to the freeway.

10. The male menopause.

Midlife crisis, the seven year itch, whatever you like to call it – women don’t understand the seriousness of this condition, instead seeing it only as an excuse for a man to resign from his job, buy a Harley Davidson and start a relationship with a woman a third of his age. Like there has to be more to it than that.

5 silly questions

The five toughest questions women ask – and their answers:
1. `What are you thinking?’
2. `Do you love me?’
3. `Do I look fat?’
4. `Do you think she’s prettier than me?’
5. `What would you do if I died?’

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1. `What are you thinking?’
The proper answer to this question, of course, is: ‘I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.’ Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a – football.
b – baseball.
c – How fat you are.
d – How much prettier she is than you.
e – How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married with Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. His answer: ‘If I wanted you to know I’d be talking instead of thinking’

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2. ‘Do you love me?’
The correct answer to this question is, ‘Yes.’
For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer. ‘Yes dear.’

Wrong answers include:
a – I suppose so.
b – Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c – That depends on what you mean by ‘love’.
d – Does it matter?
e – Who, me?

3. ‘Do I look fat?’
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state,
‘No, of course not’ and then quickly leave the room.

Wrong answers include:
a – I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.
b – Compared to what?
c – A little extra weight looks good on you.
d – I’ve seen fatter.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4. ‘Do you think she’s prettier than me?’
The ‘she’ in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passerby you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw.
In any case, the correct response is: ‘No, you are much prettier.’

Wrong answers include:
a – Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b – I don’t know how one goes about rating such things.
c – Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d – Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5. ‘What would you do if I died?’

Correct answer: ‘Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first truck that came my way.’

This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

‘Dear,’ said the wife, `what would you do if I died?’

‘why, dear, I would be extremely upset,’ said the husband. ‘Why do you ask such a question?’

‘Would you remarry?’ persevered the wife.

‘No, of course not, dear,’ said the husband.

‘Don’t you like being married?’ said the wife.

‘Of course I do, dear,’ he said.

‘Then why wouldn’t you remarry?’

‘All right,’ said the husband, ‘I’d remarry.’

‘You would?’ said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

‘Yes,’ said the husband.

`Would you sleep with her in our bed?’ said the wife after a long pause.

‘Well yes, I suppose I would,’ replied the husband.

‘I see,’ said the wife indignantly. ‘And would you let her wear my old clothes?’

‘I suppose, if she wanted to,’ said the husband.

‘Really,’ said the wife icily. `And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?’

‘Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.’

‘Is that so?’ said the wife, leaping to her feet. ‘And I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.’

‘Of course not, dear,’ said the husband. ‘She’s left-handed.’

Lightbulbs and PMS!

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!!
And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS…

I’m sorry…what did you ask me?