Category Archives: gender

How to Dump a Man

Dear ________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition. Check those that apply…

___Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It’s just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

___Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you m! ay be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

___Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___You’re too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___You’re too tall. I’m developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex -girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely, ______________________

Q….

Q.
Why is food better than men?
A. Because you don’t have to wait an hour for seconds.

The Construction Workers

An Irishman, a Mexican-American, and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch, and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”

The Mexican-American opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”

The blond guy opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.”

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage, and jumps to his death. The Mexican-American opens his lunch, sees a burrito, and he jumps too. The blonde guy opens his lunch, sees the bologna, and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral the Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!”

The Mexican-American’s wife also weeps and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas or even a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”

Everyone turns and stares at the blond’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me,” she says. “He makes his own lunch.”

Guys and girls

Two men see a beatiful women,seen there are two of them and one women they decide to let he decide.So the first man goes up and says “Hey sweety how who you like to taste my candy” The women replied in a remarkable tone I don’t eat peanuts!

Hair Cuts

Woman1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!
Woman2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me
the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?
Woman1: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair
cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much
stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable, and
you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look
so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I
was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman1: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck!
Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for
a shoulder line.
Woman2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to
have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I
mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had
your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much
easier………

Men’s version:

Man1: Haircut?
Man2: Yeah.

He or She???

Reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

Question and answer

Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?A: In the pages of a romance novel.

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses…

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 Light breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend’s/husband’s ex – who has gained 30 lbs.
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

Things Women Will Simply Never Understand

Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it’s annoying that women spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they’ll never understand…

1. Our consuming need to own the biggest and most expensive version of just about everything.

Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in cities and use corkscrews that resemble off-shore drilling equipment is well documented. As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms like “professional” or “industrial strength”, because inside every man is the germ of every profession he ever imagined himself one day excelling at. Most of these purchases are harmless, little more than childish wish fulfillment played out at a higher testosterone level. But occasionally we go too far. The guy upstairs from me once boasted that he had a filter which filled his flat with “operating theatre quality air”. I kept him away from my surgical steel steak knives.

2. Why we are so bad at shopping.

We’ve never been trained to do it the right way. Supermarkets are like giant booby traps for males – which is why if you send a man out to but eggs, sugar and bread you should not be surprised if he returns home with a case of wine, a pair of jeans and a tree.

3. The reason why we don’t like to discuss The Relationship.

Most of us will find any excuse to dodge those conversations that start with questions like “Are you really happy?” and “Where do you see us going?” A relationship is a delicate thing, like an antique clock, and we know what will happen if we start picking it apart. Often our reticence will result in a lengthy conversation about why we have trouble talking about The Relationship.

4. Why we think we can fix things.

Almost all men believe they can repair virtually anything with a little patience. In reality, we’re only half right. Men are extremely good at taking things apart: whether it’s a dishwasher or an antique clock, a man can break it down to its most basic components in no time. Unfortunately, this is where our expertise usually leaves off, and we’re mostly satisfied with leaving bits and pieces spread all over newspaper on the kitchen table.

5. Men and video games.

Women cannot understand how grown men can waste huge chunks of their lives zapping things off a screen. When a man repeatedly rings his girlfriend to say he has to work late and routinely comes home at two in the morning all glassy eyed, she will usually take this as evidence of an affair – when it’s more likely that a pirated copy of Streetfighter II is making the rounds at the office.

6. That sometimes we really are ill.

When men get ill, women are generally united in their belief that we are faking it. This is based on a tired old axiom stating that men will never fully understand the agony of childbirth so deserve no sympathy regarding matters of pain, fear or incapacitation. For the record, it should be noted that all men are in a constant state of feeling slightly under the weather just from being men. It’s only a misplaced sense of machismo that forces us from our beds every day to go into work and then down to the pub for a couple of schooners of the only thing that ever makes us feel any better.

7. The way we watch television.

Men don’t just watch the TV, they plug right in. Once we’re on the right wavelength, we can watch almost anything, including commercials, with a slack-jawed intensity which probably drives you crazy. Unfortunately for women, men cannot achieve this higher state without a firm grasp on the remote.

8. Our sense of humor.

When women say that what they most want from a man is a sense of humor, they tend to mean something different from what we mean. Women never understand the comic genius of their mate who makes beer come out of his nose.

9. Why we’re so boring.

Male conversation generally relies heavily on petty obsession, technical jargon, numbing detail and presumed expertise. Topics that women only feel the need to mention in passing become Test-Match length debates among men. True, some of us are able to combine a scintillating wit with a flair for story telling and a nose for gossip, but we tend to reserve these talents for conversations with women. Between ourselves, the drive to talk at length about tire pressure or “Star Trek” episodes is too alluring. Even if your local pool team boasted Socrates, Einstein and Oscar Wilde as members, you’d still probably have to discuss the fastest way to get to the freeway.

10. The male menopause.

Midlife crisis, the seven year itch, whatever you like to call it – women don’t understand the seriousness of this condition, instead seeing it only as an excuse for a man to resign from his job, buy a Harley Davidson and start a relationship with a woman a third of his age. Like there has to be more to it than that.