a woman found a magic lamp and she rubbed it and a genie appeared. He said “i will grant you one wish.” The woman had a map with her and said “i want the war to end in this part of the Middle East, and for it to end in peace.” The genie looked at the woman and said that, that wish was nearly impossible. The genie said to think of another wish. “Well then, can you give me the perfect man??” The genie just looked at her and said “Which part of the Middle East?”
Q: What do women and airplanes have in common?
A: A cockpit!
48 double vodka
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
25 pot & alcohol
66 scotch, a limousine, the company jet
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
35 “I didn’t bump into her kids.”
48 “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
66 “Got home alive.”
FAVORITE FEMALE PART
66 “Small butt in a thong”
17 “Anything we can get”
17 “Any place”
25 “His bedroom”
35 “Any place her kids aren’t”
48 “Her bedroom”
66 “Anywhere there’s an oxygen tank”
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking his company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 “Split the check before we go back to my place”
35 “Just come over.”
48 “Just come over and cook.”
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition. Check those that apply…
___Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It’s just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you m! ay be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You’re too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
___You’re too tall. I’m developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex -girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.
Why is food better than men?
A. Because you don’t have to wait an hour for seconds.
An Irishman, a Mexican-American, and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch, and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”
The Mexican-American opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”
The blond guy opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.”
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage, and jumps to his death. The Mexican-American opens his lunch, sees a burrito, and he jumps too. The blonde guy opens his lunch, sees the bologna, and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral the Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!”
The Mexican-American’s wife also weeps and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas or even a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”
Everyone turns and stares at the blond’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me,” she says. “He makes his own lunch.”
Two men see a beatiful women,seen there are two of them and one women they decide to let he decide.So the first man goes up and says “Hey sweety how who you like to taste my candy” The women replied in a remarkable tone I don’t eat peanuts!
Woman1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!
Woman2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me
the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?
Woman1: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair
cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much
stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable, and
you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look
so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I
was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman1: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck!
Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for
a shoulder line.
Woman2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to
have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I
mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had
your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much
Reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?A: In the pages of a romance novel.