Category Archives: governenment

Chelsea’s Letter Home

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been six months since I left for college. I’m sorry I
haven’t written more often and I’m very sorry for my
unthoughtfulness. I’m sure you have been worried about me.

Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit
down Ok? Don’t read any further unless you’re sitting down.

Ok? Good.

I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory
when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much
healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always
said the girls in our family heal fast.

In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get
headaches three times a day now.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were
witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911.
He’s so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I
had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind
enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It’s really
a basement room, but it’s kind of cute.

He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen
deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven’t set
the exact date yet, but I’m sure that it will be before I start
to show. That’s right, Mom and Dad, I’m pregnant! I know how
much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know
that you will give that baby the same love, devotion and tender
care you gave me when I was growing up.

We would get married now, but we both failed our premarital
blood tests because of some minor infection. He told me about it
beforehand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to
worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections
should clear it up by next month.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He
is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious — just
like Dad!

Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I
know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you
won’t mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I’m
sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good
too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his
native African village. That’s an important government position
where he comes from. Well, I guess that’s all! Now you know why
I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter.

Now that I’ve brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you
know there was no dormitory fire, I didn’t suffer a concussion
or a skull fracture, I wasn’t in the hospital, I’m not pregnant,
I’m not engaged, I don’t have syphilis and there is no boyfriend
of another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote for
Gov. Bush, and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper
perspective.

Your loving daughter,

-Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great… I love it, though I miss you both
terribly…and Socks, too!

P.P.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica and the others.

Dumb Laws in Texas

***** State laws:

When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each
shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the
other has gone. (No, I don’t know how that is possible.)

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time
while standing.

Law prohibits driving without windshield wipers. You don’t need
the windshields, but you need the wipers.

It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story
of a hotel.

You can’t legally milk someone else’s cow.

The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it
contains a formula for making beer at home.

***** City laws:

In a certain town, you must first get a $5 permit before going
barefoot.

It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate
limits of Abilene for the purpose of flirting or mashing.

In Beaumont, college football is banned at Lamar University.

Dallas bans the possession of “realistic dildos”.

In Mesquite, it is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.

In San Antonio, it is illegal to piss on the Alamo. (Law passed
after Ozzy Osbourne did it.)

If you catch a cattle thief in Temple, you may legally hang him
on the spot.

Bush go Boom

3 guys are in an airplane. They have no clue where they
are, so they decide to have a little fun. The first guy throws a
Holy Bible out the window, the second guy throws out a brick,
and the third guy throws out a grenade.
Then, they decide to see how much damage they did. When
they landed, they noticed they were over Washington D.C. at the
time. They see senator Jesse Helms crying, holding the Holy
Bible. The 3 guys asked him what was wrong, and he said “Oh,
this Holy Bible fell on my head and i think god is mad with me.”
Next, they see Colin Powell, crying, holding the brick.
They asked him what was wrong, and he replied “This brick fell
on my head and i think god is mad with me for bombing
Afghanistan.”
Finally, they see George W. Bush laughing his ass off. When
they asked him what was so funny, he said “Oh, I farted and the
White house blew up.”

She’s Mine!

A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and runs
them down. They show him their papers (he thinks they are
phony). He tells them, “O.K. I have a test for you. I want you
to use the words ‘cheese’ and ‘liver’ in a sentence.”

So, the first guy says, “I made a liver and cheese sandwich for
lunch.”

The agent says, “That was good, you can go. What about you?” He
asks the second guy.

He says, “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

Almost Caught Bin Laden

We almost caught Osama Bin Laden today. They sprayed the
recently developed “Liquid Viagra” all over the mountains and
inside the caves in Afghanistan and the little prick stood up.

Osma Bn Laden, Uncle Sam and the Canadian

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out
walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie
pops out of it.

“I will give each of you each one wish. That’s three wishes
total,” says the genie.

The Canadian says, “I’m a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my
son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in
Canada.”

With a blink of the genie’s eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was
forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around
Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come
into our precious state.”

Again, with a blink of the genie’s eye, *POOF* there was a huge
wall around Afghanistan.

“Uncle Sam” (A former civil engineer), asks, “I’m very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.”

The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet
thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in
or out – it’s virtually impenetrable.”

Uncle Sam says, “Fill it with water.”

I Only Want 100

There was a little boy who prayed every night for two weeks,
asking God for $100. When he got no response, he thought it
would be a good idea to write to God and see if that worked.

The post office received the letter addressed to “GOD, USA.”
They decided that it would be best to just forward the letter to
President Clinton. The president read the letter and thought it
was cute, so he asked his secretary to send the boy $5, thinking
the boy would think that was a lot of money for a little boy.

When the boy got the letter, he was so excited that he sat down
immediately to write a thank-you letter. “Dear God,” he wrote,
“Thank you very much for the money you sent. I suppose it is to
be expected, but I thought you should know that when you sent it
through Washington, D.C., the stinkers deducted $95.”

Tali-ban

there is a deodorant called (tali) ban. because YOU are a
stinking terrorist!
it is Osama strength, and comes in a new goat scent. made for
camels, but fit for an asshole.