Category Archives: holidays

Top ten signs Santa’s marriage is in trouble

10. He’s replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students.

9. Mrs. Claus calls him “that fat freak in the red underwear”.

8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed.

7. He’s been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie.

6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve.

5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey.

4. He knows when she’s been sleeping, he knows when she’s awake, because he’s bugged the bedroom.

3. Lately, she keeps “forgetting” to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee.

2. Stockings aren’t the only things he’s been nailing in front of the fireplace.

1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa’s pants.

How to cook a Turkey…

How to cook a Turkey…

– Go buy a turkey
– Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
– Put turkey in the oven
– Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
– Set the degree at 375 ovens
– Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
– Turn oven the on
– Take 4 whisks of drinky
– Turk the bastey
– Whiskey another bottle of get
– Stick a turkey in the thermometer
– Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
– Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
– Take the oven out of the turkey
– Take the oven out of the turkey
– Floor the turkey up off of the pick
– Turk the carvey
– Get yourself another scottle of botch
– Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
– Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Female Reindeer

Where do the female reindeer go when Santa and his male reindeer go do the Christmas run ?

They go into town and blow a few bucks !!!

New Policy on Twelve Days…

New Policy on Twelve Days

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the ”Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance

Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French

The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days

Santa Claus

Santa Claus is Wielding a Gun

(to the tune of ”Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”)

Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

He’s making a list
And checking it twice
Gonna find out who
He’s gonna ice
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

Don’t give him any trouble
He’ll blow you right away
Don’t give him any cause to shoot
Or you’ll make his Christmas Day

Oh, you better believe
He’s packing a rod
No coal in your stocking
Just lead in your bod
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

He doesn’t want cookies
Or none of that crud
He doesn’t want milk
What he wants is your blood
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

(Music Bridge, with automatic arms fire)

He doesn’t trust nobody
Shot all his reindeer dead
Thought Dancer was a sissy
And thought Rudoulph was a red

Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I’m telling you why

Santa Claus is wielding a gun

TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING BUT AREN’T

TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING BUT AREN’T10. ‘Reach in and grab the giblets.’9. ‘Whew…that’s one terrific spread!’8. ‘I am in the mood for a little dark meat!’7. ‘Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.’6. ‘Talk about a HUGE breast!’5. ‘And he forces his way into the end zone!’4. ‘She’s 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.’3. ‘It’s cool whip time!’2. ‘If I don’t unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!’ 1. ‘It must be broken ’cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.’