TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING BUT AREN’T10. ‘Reach in and grab the giblets.’9. ‘Whew…that’s one terrific spread!’8. ‘I am in the mood for a little dark meat!’7. ‘Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.’6. ‘Talk about a HUGE breast!’5. ‘And he forces his way into the end zone!’4. ‘She’s 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.’3. ‘It’s cool whip time!’2. ‘If I don’t unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!’ 1. ‘It must be broken ’cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.’
Hearts and roses and What the hell is al People get mushy and st It is definatley the most annoying This day needs to get the hell ov Before i shove a dozen rose I’ll spend the day so dru And wear all black for the Guys act all sweet, but i For all they are doing is tr The arrow Cupid shot at me m Because I think love is So heres my story…what Love bites my ass…Fuck Valentines Day!
In a small southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a “Quik Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise man came from afar.'”
15> There’s a two-month waiting list for Santa voodoo dolls at the North Pole employee gift shop.
14> All of this year’s rocking horses are sporting a fifth “leg.”
13> They punch out Santa’s lights before he even gets to the second “ho.”
12> Come Christmas morning, more than one unlucky tyke will be unwrapping a container of brown, smelly Play-Doh.
11> All the “Sorry!” games have been repackaged as “In Your Face, Loser!” games.
10> Rather than taking the time to master the latest technological advances, they simply pack every PlayStation 2 box with a Hustler and a jar of Vaseline.
9> Sewing a teddy bear is hard work. Catching a bear cub at the North Pole is easy. You do the math.
8> Rudolph, elated at finally being invited to join in some reindeer games, instead finds himself confronted by shotgun-toting elves.
7> Several of them were caught on video adding real urine to the “wet baby” dolls.
6> The See ‘n Say little Allison received is teaching her that the duck says, “Santa blows,” and the cow goes, “Get lost, kid.”
5> Santa’s elf-prepared road trip CD for Christmas Eve?
Nothin’ but “It’s a Small World.”
4> Five of them pitched a new show to FOX: “Elf Eye for the Fat Guy.”
3> Cigarette burns on Barbie’s posterior.
2> The only reason they ride the Norelco shavers over the snow these days is to get to a liquor store.
1> This year the kids on the “naughty” list are receiving lumps of koala.
15> Five minutes into the Christmas Eve flight, it becomes apparent someone Ex-Laxed the reindeer’s feed.
14> More and more break room discussions about joining the military — especially after Legolas’ e-mail detailing the primo tail that the boys in archery are scoring.
13> Too many elves are spending their lunch hour huddled around the bong-assembly line.
12> The wheels on the latest batch of toy trucks look suspiciously like last year’s leftover Barbie heads.
11> Children start receiving gifts like “Chainsaw Massacre Legos,” “Transgendered Raggedy Ann/dy” and “Melted Mass of Crayons.”
10> Them ain’t Lincoln Logs on the conveyor belt.
9> After just one hour, a shaken Tony Robbins emerges from his North Pole “Unleash the Power Within” seminar, quietly gives Santa a refund, then wishes him luck and leaves.
8> They’re *all* scheduled to appear on Dr. Phil December 26th.
7> Toy rifle production had to be out-sourced to a South Korean ClausCo subsidiary after a rash of devastating workplace corking rampages.
6> Frequent nooners in the reindeer stalls.
5> No longer enthusiastically participating in Hawaiian Shirt Fridays.
4> Let’s just say that Santa’s gonna be looking for a new ride when he finds out the truth about the venison stew for this year’s holiday party.
3> The toy trains? Nothing but salami and duct tape.
2> This year’s hot new toy: the Amazing, Incredible Rough-Hewn Block of Wood!
1> “Hello? FBI? I have information about that grandma who got run over.”
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,”What are you charged with?””Doing my Christmas shopping early”, replied the defendant.”That’s no offense”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?””Before the store opened”, countered the prisoner.
Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balanceand fall over.
6. People say, ”Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, ”Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic
light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop
says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that
to you?” The kid says, “Yeah.” The cop says, “Well, next year
tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.”
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety
violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides
off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did
Santa bring that to you?” Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah,
he sure did.” The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put
the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes.
Why is Michael Jackson pissed at Santa Claus?
Because he refuses to sell his list of naughty boys!