Category Archives: irish / british

Cut It Out

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman go to see a
hypnotist. All three are hypnotized and come the end of the
show, the hypnotist tells them that when they go home to their
wives the first thing they tell them to do they will do without
any arguments. On the way home they decide to stop off at the
pub first. They have a few rounds of beers and then head off
home.

Paddy Englishman gets home and as soon as he opens the door he
starts falling all over the place knocking everything over. The
wife says to him, “That’s right, wreck the place.” So Paddy
smashes everything in the house.

Paddy Scotsman gets home and gets straight into bed and decides
to have a smoke before nodding off and falls asleep before
finishing it. The wife who was already in bed says, “That’s
right Paddy, burn the place down.” So he gets up a sets fire to
every room in the house.

Outside the house. The 2 Paddies run over to the cops car, to
Paddy Irishman and asks him what happened. He replies, “I went
home and felt a little horny. So I got into bed and her pussy.
Then she told me to cut it out.”

Slippery

It is the Olympic men’s figure skating. Out comes the Russian
competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a
slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without
any great artistic feel for the music.

The Judges’ scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States
5.5: Ireland 6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and
stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets
the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the
Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses
the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more
satisfying performance.

The Judges’ scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States
5.9: Ireland 6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old
donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches
the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts
bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips
again. He spends his entire ‘routine’ getting up then falling
over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and
bleeding mess.

The Judges’ scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States
0.0: Ireland 6.0

The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison,
“How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!” To which the Irish
judge replies, “You’ve gotta remember, it’s damn slippery out
there.”

Stinking, Drunken, and Closefisted

A stinking Brit, a drunken Irishman, and a closefisted Scot go
out to a pub and order 3 pints. They each find a fly floating on
the top of their mugs.The stinking Brit says, “Bartender, can I
have a spoon?” and quietly removes the fly from his brew. The
drunken Irishman says, “Get out of there!” and flicks the fly
away with a finger. The closefisted Scot picks up the fly with
his fingers and says, “Alright ya wee bastard. Spit it out. Now!”

Noisy Neighbors

A bright young Scottish lad named Shamus had the opportunity to
go to university in London. So he packed his bags and said
good-bye to his mother and left the highlands for the big city.

After the first week his mother called to see how her boy was
holding up.

“I love it here Mother,” Shamus told her, “but these English
students are the oddest people ever! Why the boy who lives in
the dormitory room next to me bangs his head against the wall
until midnight every night. And the boy in the room above me
stomps around until midnight every night. And the boy right
below me blasts his stereo until midnight every night.”

“Why don’t you complain to the Dean of students?” asks his
mother.

“Well, it doesn’t bother me much,” answers Shamus. “I’m usually
up until that time quietly practicing my bagpipes anyway.”

Sandwiches

There once was this American, Scottish man, and Irishman who all
used to work together at the same building site, and each day
they would sit out on a steel girder 40 floors high and eat
their lunches.

One day the american opens his lunch up and says, “fucken
baloney, I have had it everyday for the past 5 years, and if I
get it again tomorrow, I am gonna jump off this steel girder!!!”

The scottish man opens his lunch and says, “bloody lettuce
sandwich, I have had lettuce sandwiches for the past 10 years
and I am sick to death of them, if I get lettuce tomorrow I too
am gonna jump off this steel girder”.

The Irish man says, “bloody fucken cheese again, if I fucken get
cheese tomorrow I too am gonna jump!!”.

The next day, once again the three men go out and sit on the
girder to eat their lunches.

The american opens up his lunch and says, “fucken baloney again,
fuck that, I have had enough!!!”, and with that he jumps off the
steel girder to his death.

The Scottish man opens his lunch and says, “bloody lettuce
again, to hell with it!!”, and he too jumps off the steel girder.

The Irishman opens his lunch and says, “bloody fucken crappy
cheese again, fuck that and fuck me, I have had enough!!!”, and
he too jumps off the steel girder to his death.

The next day at the combined funeral the three wives are sitting
there together sobbing. The American’s wife says to the other
two, “I didn’t realise he had a problem with baloney, all he had
to do was say something and I would have made something
different for him!!”.

The Scootish mans wife also says, “I too did not realise there
was a problem, all he had to do was say something and I would
have made him something different!!”

The Irishmans wife then says, “well I am not exactly sure of
what the problem was with my husband, he used to get up every
morning and make his own lunch!!!!”.

Air Disaster

Ireland’s worst-ever air disaster occurred today when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this
afternoon in central Dublin. Irish search and rescue workers
have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the evening.

Letter from an Irish Mother

Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know that I’m still alive. I’m
writing this letter slowly because I know that you can’t read
fast. You won’t know the house when you get home because we’ve
moved.

About your father. He has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under
him; he cuts the grass at the cemetery. There was a washing
machine in the new house when we moved in but it hasn’t been
working too good. Last week I put your father’s shirt in, pulled
the chain and haven’t seen it since.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I don’t know if it
is a boy or a girl yet so I can’t tell you if you are an uncle
or an auntie. Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of
whiskey at the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to
save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and
it took 5 days to put out the fire.

I went to the doctor last Thursday and your father came with me.
The doctor put a small glass tube in my mouth and told me not to
talk for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it off him.

It rained last twice this week. First for 3 days then for 4. We
got a letter from the undertaker. He said that if the last
payment on your grandfathers plot isn’t paid within 7 days, then
up he comes.

-Your loving mother
PS. I was going to send you 10 dollars but I had already sealed
the envelope.

(This joke was found in: “The Serious Joke Book” by George Coote)

Cool joke hey?

Scottish Cows

One day, an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scottish man, were
standing on a bridge. As they were standing on the bridge
chatting, a herd of cows crossed the bridge.

“Those have got to be English cows,” the Englishman commented.
“They’re black and white.”

“No,” the Irishmen argued. “They’ve got to be Irish cows, they
got spots.”

“I beg to differ,” the Scottish man said. “Those are Scottish
cows. They got the wee bagpipes hanging down!

Drink driving

A man was driving home after a hard days drinking in a English
country pub. He was doing 80 mph down a narrow lane when he saw
two Welsh men walking up the lane towards him. They saw him
coming towards them at high speed and tried to get out of his
way. Unfortunatly for them the driver decided that they would
make good targets. He aimed his car directly at them and BANG,
he hit them. The first was thrown over a nearby hedge into a
farmer’s field, the second smashed through his windscreen.

Thirty seconds later a police car turned up at the scene. The
police man got out of his car and asked the driver what had
happened. He tried to explain that he had only been doing 30 mph
and had tried to avoid the Welsh men but they jumped out in
front of his car and he could not avoid them. The police man was
having none of this and asked again what had happened. The
driver then replied that he had been doing 50mph and had a
couple of pints to drink. He had seen the Welsh men but only too
late and he had tried but failed to avoid them. The police man
was still suspisious, the driver was stinking of alcahol and
sluring his words, so he asked again.

This time the driver said that he had had about 10 pints, been
doing 80 mph, saw the Welsh men and meant to hit them.

The police man replied that he would do the man who had smashed
through the windscreen for breaking and entering and the man in
the field for leaving the scene of the crime and let the driver
go.

Never Trust a Corkman

This Irish guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Sinead, an
Irish student who is currently working behind the bar, takes his
order and notices his Irish accent. Over the course of the
night, they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night, he asks
her to sleep with him. Although she fancies him, she says no. He
then offers to pay her 100 quid for the deed. Sinead is
travelling the world, and because she is strapped for cash, she
agrees.

The next night, the same guy turns up, and after showing her
plenty of attention throughout the night, he asks her to sleep
with him again for 100 quid. She figures “in for a penny – in
for a pound,” and as it was fantastic the night before, she goes
home with him again.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into
the bar, but this night he just orders a beer and sits in the
corner. Sinead is disappointed, and figures that maybe she
should pay him more attention.

She goes over and sits beside him. She asks him where he’s from,
and he says, “Cork.” “Wow,” she says, “Me too! – what part?”
“Montenotte,” he says. “Jesus, that’s amazing,” she says, “Which
street?” To which he names the street. She is truly gobsmacked.
“This is uncanny,” she says, “what number?” “Number 20.” “You
are not going to believe this,” she says, “I’m from number 22!
My parents still live there!” “I know”, he says. “Your Da gave
my five hundred quid to give you!”