God: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never
cook a calf in its mother’s milk. It is cruel.
Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and
G: No, what I’m saying is, never cook a calf in its mother’s
M: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is
we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the
two are not in our stomachs.
G: No, Moses, what I’m saying is, don’t cook a calf in its
M: Oh, Lord! Please don’t strike me down for my stupidity! What
you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and
a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury
that dish outside….
G: Moses, do whatever the fuck you want….
Little Sammy was studying Torah for his Bar Mitzvah and was asked what he had learned in Hebrew school one day. ‘Well, momma, the rabbi told us how GoD sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.’ When they got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the Jews walked across safely. Then the Egyptians followed and Moses used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for air cover. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge, drown the Egyptians, and the Israelites were saved.’ ‘Now, Sammy, is that really what the rabbi taught you?’ his mother asked. ‘Well, no, momma, but if I told it the way the rabbi did, you’d never believe it!’
Q: Did you hear about the new brand of tires – Firestein? A: They not only stop on a dime, they pick it up.
The teacher said, “I’ll give $20 to the child who can tell me
who was the most famous man who ever lived.”
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.” The
teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”
Then a French boy put his hand up and said, “It was Napoleon.”
The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Pierre, that’s not right
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus
Christ.” The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Daniel,
come up here and I’ll give you the $20.”
As the teacher was giving Daniel his money, she said, “You know
Daniel, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus
Christ.” Daniel replied, “Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses,
but business is business.”
Abraham is an old Jewish man who is a yarn merchant. He lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town. One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says, ‘Hey Jew!!!… I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow.’ Abe says, ‘OK.’ The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7 AM by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon his yard is a 5-foot deep sea of orange yarn. Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite. The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe. ‘What is this? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?’ Straightfaced, Abe replies ‘I’m very careful when I deal with people like you, that’s why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount; but the tip of my penis is in Poland.’
And it came to pass that an openly Jewish man was elected to be President of the United States of America.So he calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down to Washington DC to share the Passover Holliday.She says, ‘I’d like to, but it’s so much trouble… I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd…’He replies, ‘Mom! I’m the President! You won’t need a cab; I’ll send a limo for you!’To which his mother replies, ‘I know, but then I’ll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle… it’s just too much trouble.’He replies, ‘Mom! I’m the President of the United States! I’ll send Air Force One or another of my private jets for you.To which she replies, ‘Oh, well, but then when we land, I’ll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab… it’s really too much trouble.’He replies, ‘Mom!! I’m the President! I’ll send a helicopter for you! You won’t have to lift a finger’She answers, ‘Yes, that’s nice… but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don’t like the rooms…’He answers, ‘Mom! I’m the President! You’ll stay at the White House!’She responds, ‘Well… all right… I guess I’ll come.’ The next day, she’s on the phone with her friend Betty.Betty: ‘Hello, Sylvia . . . so what’s new?’Sylvia: ‘I’m visiting my son for Passover!’ Betty: ‘The doctor?’Sylvia: ‘No . . . the other one.’
Benny Cohen was pulled out of the ocean by a lifeguard. His wife ran over sobbing, “Benny! Benny, what happened?!” “Madam, please don’t get hysterical,” said the lifeguard. “I’m just going to give your husband some artificial respiration and he’ll be fine.” “What!” Mrs. Cohen yelled. “My Benny gets either real respiration or nothing.”
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a Cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty. A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: ‘Young man. Don’t you realize that this is a Catholic country? You’ll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.’The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says ‘Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?
“Oy vey! I’ve got good news and bad news about our son.” said Mrs. Shapiro to her husband.”Give me the bad news first!” said Mr. Shapiro.”Our boy’s become a homosexual!””Oy! So what’s the good news?””He’s going with a rich doctor!”
Little Sammy was studying Torah for his Bar Mitzvah and was asked what he
had learned in Hebrew school one day. “Well, mommy, the rabbi told us how
God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the
Israelites out of Egypt. When they got to the Red Sea, he had his
engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the Jews walked across safely.
Then the Egyptians followed and Moses used his walkie-talkie to radio
headquarters for air cover. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge, drown
the Egyptians, and the Israelites were saved.” “Now, Sammy, is that really
what the rabbi taught you?” his mother asked. “Well, no, mommy, but if I
told it the way the rabbi did, you’d never believe it!”