Category Archives: jews

HS Reunion and Grandmas

At their high school reunion Sarah and Esther meet up for the first time in fifty years.

Sarah begins to tell Esther about her children: “My son is a doctor and he’s got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?”

Esther replies, “Unfortunately, Morty and I don’t have any children and so we have no grandchildren either.”

Sarah says, “No children…. and no grandchildren! So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?”

The Jewish CIA

President Bush, newly elected, calls in the head of the CIA and
asks, “How come the Jews know everything before WE do?”

The CIA chief says, “It’s because the Jews have this expression,
‘Vus Tutzuch? (What’s doing?)’ They just ask each other and they
know everything! “

George Bush says that he has to see it to believe it, and he
wants to personally go undercover.

He gets dressed up (the hat, beard, etc…) as an orthodox Jew
and is secretly flown under radar in an unmarked plane to New
York, where he is picked up in an unmarked car and dropped off
in Brooklyn’s most Jewish neighborhood.

Soon this little old Jewish man comes shuffling along and George
whispers to him, “Vus Tutzuch?”

The old guy whispers back, “Did you hear President Bush is in
Brooklyn ?”

Top 10 Reasons to Like Hanukkah

Top 10 Reasons to Like Hanukkah 10. No roof damage from reindeer 9. Never a silent night when you’re among your Jewish loved ones 8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocholate coins) on candle races 6. You can use your fireplace5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games 4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth 2. Cheer optional 1. No Irving Berlin songs

Oy Shaygets

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious
wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks
if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks,
“Rabbi, we realize it’s tradition for men to dance with men and
women to dance with women at the reception. But, we’d like your
permission to dance together.”

“Absolutely not,” says the rabbi. “It’s immodest. Men and women
always dance separately.”

“So after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?”

“No,” answered the rabbi. “It’s forbidden.”

“Well, okay,” says the man, “What about sex? Can we finally have
sex?” “Of course!,” replies the rabbi. “Sex is a mitzvah within
marriage, to have children!”

“What about different positions?” asks the man.

“No problem,” says the rabbi. “It’s a mitzvah!”

“Woman on top?” the man asks.

“Sure,” says the rabbi. “Go for it! It’s a mitzvah!”

“Doggy style?” “Sure! Another mitzvah!”

“On the kitchen table?”

“Yes, yes! A mitzvah!”

“Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a
couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a
porno video?”

“You may indeed. It’s all a mitzvah!”

“Can we do it standing up?”

“NO, NO, NO!” cries the rabbi.

“Why not?” asks the man.

“Could lead to dancing.”

You may be a Jewish Redneck

1. You light your shabbos candles from your cigarette2. Your belt buckle is bigger than a yarmulke3. Instead of a noisemaker, you’ve fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman’s name4. You have a gun rack in your sukkah5. You think KKK is a symbol for Really Really Kosher6. You think marrying your first cousin is required according to Jewish Law7. You don’t ride on shabbat because your car is up on blocks8. When someone shouts l’chaim you respond l’howdy9. You are saving a bottle of Mogen David for some special occasion10. You think a good Bar Mitzvah gift is time shared on your hunting lease.

Top 12 reasons why we like Chanukah

12. You can’t be nailed to the menorah11. More elephants in the Hanukkah story10. No roof damage from reindeer9. Never a silent night when you’re among your Jewish loved ones8. Dance of the Sugar-Plum Rebbe7. Betting Hanukkah gelt on candle races6. Yes, Rivka’le, there is no Santa Claus5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games4. Fun waxy buildup3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth2. Cheer optional1. No Irving Berlin songs (or Mel Torme’ either!)

Different Views from Different Pews

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came
upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following
symbols in order of appearance:

1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were
at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out
the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where
archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient
symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss
what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The
President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first
drawing and said, “This looks like a dog. We can judge that this
was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals
for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the
next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough
to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks
like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to
help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the
fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth
whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for
food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which
means they were evidently Hebrews.”

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled
and said, “I’m glad to see that you are all in full agreement
with our interpretations.”

Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the
room and said, “I object to every word. The explanation of what
the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows
that Hebrews don’t read from left to right, but from right to
left. Now, look again, It now says: HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS
ON THAT BITCH!”

Two jews on a desert Island

Two Jews are stranded on a desert island. They build three synagogues — one for the orthodox Jew, one for the reform Jew, and one that neither one of them will ever set foot in!

Jews Are The Cutting Edge!lol

Once there was a little boy called sekket who was Jewish,
and wouldn’t play with anyone but the Christian boy,called
Tom,who lived next door.
One day Tom was showing Sekket his toys when he picked up his
toy truck, to show him.
“Wow that’s nice!” Sekket said
“Yes mummy says to treasure my toys” He answered.
The next day over the garden fence Sekket saw Tom sprinkling
Holy water over his toy truck.
“What are you doing?” Asked Sekket
“Mummy says to treasure my toys,so i am blessing it” He said
proudly.
“Oh” Said Sekket, “I should bless mine then” and went in to
fetch his toy car.
Sekket brought the car back outside to show Tom and handed it to
him.
“Oh no!” said Tom, “It’s broken!”
“Broken?” asked sekket curiously.
“Yes 5 centimetres of the exhaust pipe are missing!!”

Home for the Aged

Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen lived next door to each other for over 40 years, and over the years became loving friends. One day Mrs. Murphy came to Mrs. Cohen and said, “This house is becoming to much for us, let’s sell it and each move into a home for the aged.Each went to a home of their respective religions, and were soon placed. Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, and one day asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend Mrs. Cohen. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said “So how do you like it here?”Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the care takers. She then said, “You know the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend.”Mrs. Murphy said, “Now isn’t that wonderful. Tell me what you do.”Mrs. Cohen said, “After lunch we go up to my room, and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs.”Mrs. Cohen said, “And how is it with you Mrs. Murphy?”She said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.Mrs. Cohen said, “So what do you do?””We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below.”Mrs. Cohen said, “And then what do you do?”Mrs. Murphy said, “Since we don’t know any Jewish songs, we have sex.”