One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she whispered in his ear. “It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!”
Q: What happens when a paranoid has low self-esteem?
A: He thinks that nobody important is out to get him.
you so black you got marked out of night school!
confucius say: Woman who cooks meat..and peas in same pot. Unsanitary
Woman who fly in airplane upside down have crack up.
Man who farts in church sit in his own pew.
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?”But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.He says, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So… I switched the heads.”
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street
cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other
side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a
while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: “The measurement wasn’t accurate.”
The Biologist’s conclusion: “They have reproduced”.
The Mathematician: “If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it
will be empty again.”
What does an agnostic, insomniac, dyslexic do? Stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Boudreaux. The boss thought to himself, “I’m not hiring that lazy Cajun,” so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions and he’d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.The first question was, “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”Boudreaux says, “Dat’s easy,” and proceeds to draw three trees.The boss says, “What the hell is that?”Boudreaux says, “Tree ‘n tree ‘n tree makes nine.””Fair enough,” says the boss. “Second question, same rules, but represent 99.”Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. “Der ya go sir,” he says.The boss scratches his head and asks, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”Boudreaux answers, “Each tree is dirty now, so it’s dirty tree ‘n dirty tree ‘n dirty tree – dat’s 99.”The boss is getting worried he’s going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, “All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100.”Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, “I got it!” He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Der ya go sir – 100.”The boss looks at Boudreaux’s attempt and thinks, “Ha! Got him this time.” He then tells Boudreaux, “Go on Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred!”Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, “A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, and dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?”
Two polish guys walk into a bar and sit down on the stools. All of a sudden, they start masturbating furiously, until the bar owner comes along and screams, “HEY, what the FUCK are you guys doing?! “
.. and one of the guys says,
“the sign says: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE”
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer,
a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the
car just stops by the side of the road, and the three
engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the
electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault
might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing
much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming
emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the
Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes
up with a suggestion, “Why don`t we close all the windows,
get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe
it’ll work !?”