Category Archives: lawyers

I understand

Attorney: Now, Officer, besides the flushed face, the weaving motion, the
staggering gait, and the odor of alcohol emitting from his breath, did you
notice anything else unusual about the defendant before you arrested him?
Officer: Yes. His speech was slick and third–or sick and furled–or I mean he
was very incoherent.
Attorney: I understand.

Identification

Court scene: 1st Lawyer: You’re a fool 2nd Lawyer: And you’re a damn fool. Judge : As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case.

Lawyers and PC’s

The number of lawyers and personal computers has increased greatly over the last three decades. Unfortunately, the lawyers haven’t managed to get twice as fast and half as expensive with each passing year.

Frog noise

Two litte boys are talking to each other when the older boy, Little Tommy, gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, “Grandpa, please make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “No.”

Little Tommy goes on, “Please .. please .. make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “No, now go play.”

Little Tommy then says to his younger brother, Little Johnny, “Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise.”

So Little Johnny goes to his Grandpa and says, “Please make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says sternly, “I just told your brother NO and I’m telling you NO.”

Little Johnny says, “Please .. please .. Grandpa make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa curiously asks, “Why do you want me to make a frog noise?”

Then, Little Johnny replied, “Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!”

Did you ever stay

Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with Mr. Jones in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with Mr. Jones in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with Mr. Jones in Miami?
Witness: No.

Fore!!

A golfer shot his tee over a hill and onto the next fairway. As he went to retrieve his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground moaning in pain.

“I’m an attorney and this is going to cost you $5,000!”

“I’m really sorry…..but I did yell ‘FORE” ”

“I’ll take it!” the attorney said.

Virgin

A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding.

“Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?”

“My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be.”

“Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he’d get to it tomorrow.

The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I’m marrying a lawyer and I’m sure I’m going to get screwed!”

The devil visited a lawyer’s office

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some
things for you, ” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your
partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months
of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that
your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell
for eternity.”

The lawyer thought for a moment. “What’s the catch?” he asked.

Office Talk

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, criticizes on everything, and then leaves.CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always have their idea generators running.MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out.SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally wacked out, and losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on wild rampages.ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.BROWNMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.CHIPS & SALSA: Chips ? hardware, Salsa ? software. “Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, “We each owe $8, but all anybody’s got are yuppie food stamps.”CLM – Career Limiting Move: Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Complaining about your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the comic strip character. “I’ve been dilberted again — our boss revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in “We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in.”OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.GOOD JOB: A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. TV trials are a prime example, Elimidate is another.PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)