You’re so ugly that when you were born, the doctor slapped yo’ mama!
A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart
available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants
the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in
for a checkup. The doctor asks him “How are you feeling?” The man replies “Not
A man goes to his doctor to get a prescription for Viagra. The
doctor looks over the man and says, “Viagra can be very
dangerous and we do not just dispense it indiscriminately.
Please bring your wife to my office next week and we’ll discuss
this in more detail.”
So the next week the man shows up with his wife. The doctor asks
to see the wife by herself for a few moments. So she follows him
back to the examining room. The doctor asks her to disrobe and
she does. He then asks her to turn around a few times. He then
instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in
various positions. He then tells her that she can get dressed,
then goes out to meet the man. “Sir,” the doctor says, “There is
nothing wrong with you. I couldn’t get an erection either!”
Customer: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: Ninety dollars.
Customer: Ninety dollars for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can do it slower if you like.
A guy went to his doctor full of anger. “Doc,” he said, “I feel like killing my wife. You’ve got to help me. Please tell me what I should do.”
The doctor thought for a moment. “Look,” he said, “here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they’ll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you’ll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex.”
“Wonderful, doc,” said the grateful patient. “I’ll start with this right away.”
He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.
Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.
“What happened?” asked the doctor. “What happened to your wife?”
“Don’t worry, doc,” the patient reassured him, “two more days and she’ll be dead.”
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they didn’t smell and are silent”.
The doctor says “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the lady goes back, “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly.”
“Good”, the doctor said. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing”.
The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg’s physician comes into his room and says, ‘Sol, I’m happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We’re going to send you home tomorrow. You don’t have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like.’ Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife. ‘Doris, you’ll never believe it! I’m completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you’ve never had before – wild, passionate sex! You’ll love it!’ Doris thinks for a minute and says, ‘I don’t know, Sol. I’ve heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don’t want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such sex with you.’ Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor’s office. His doctor tells him, ‘Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I’ll write the note. Let’s see, here’s my prescription pad: ‘Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.’ Now, I’ll just address this. By the way, Sol, what’s your wife’s first name?’ ‘Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, ‘To Whom It May Concern’?’
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a
diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you,
you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing
nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did
you follow my instructions?” The blonde nodded… “I’ll tell you
though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.” “From
hunger, you mean?”, asked the doctor.” “No, from skipping.”
A man & wife entered a dentist’s office. The Wife said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or Novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”
You’re a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.
The wife turns to her husband and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her
first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She
replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will
The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and
pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe
“I know, but can’t you give me some idea?,” she asks.
“Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”
“A little more…”
“No. A little more…”
“Yes. Does that hurt?”
“A little bit.”
“Now stretch it over your head!”