Category Archives: military

The American and the Japanese

There is a war going on and the Americans control one side of a
river and the Japanese control the other side. There is an
American soldier patrolling one side of the river and a Japanese
on the other. Every day at the same time the American and the
Japanese meet at the same spot, and the two are always trying to
talk but they can’t understand what each other are saying.

So one day the Japanese soldier makes a motion that resembled
the sun rising over a mountain. So the American says, “Ya the
sun rising over the mountain, but I don’t understand what you
are talking about.” So the two keep walking. The next day the
Japanese makes a swimming motion to the American, so the
American says, “Ya swimming but I still don’t understand what
you are talking about.” So they keep on walking.

The next day they meet and the Japanese makes motions like a
river, and the American says, “Ya the river but I still don’t
know what you are talking about.” So the two keep walking. The
next day the Japanese puts two of his fingers in a circle made
from his fingers. So the American says, “Ya dig a hole but I
still have no clue what you are talking about.” So they keep
walking.

The next day they meet and the Japanese makes a motion like his
eyes are popping out. So the American goes, “Oh shit!” and takes
off running to his General. Once he gets there he says to his
General. “General, General, the Japanese on the other side of
the river says that tomorrow when the sun rises over the
mountain he is going to swim across the river, and fuck me up
the ass till my eyes pop out.”

Respect my authority!

A bloke gets pulled up for speeding. Being about 10 Km’s over
the speed limit, the cop announces that the guy will be fined
$200. Naturally, the bloke isn’t very happy.

“What if I got outta this car and beat the shit out of you? What
would happen to me?” he said. The police officer explained that
such an action is called “Assaulting a police officer” and could
result in imprisonment.

“Okay then,” says the bloke, “What if I call you a cunt?”

The cop then explains that this action is called “Insulting a
police officer” and results in a hefty fine.

“Right” says the bloke, “What about if I think you’re a cunt?”

The officer explains that thinking is not against the law, and
freedom of thought permitted anyone to think anything they liked.

The bloke thought for a minute and said, “Well I think you’re a
cunt!”

Change your course now

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Dear John Reply

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

“Dear Mary,

I can not remember which one is you … please keep YOUR photo and return the others!”

Applause for the stripper

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, “What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?”

She replied with a wicked smile, “Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?”

3 Sick Soldiers…

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks –
“What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic syphilis, Sir!”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the front lines, Sir!”
“Good man!” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
“What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic piles, Sir!”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the front lines, Sir!”
“Good man!” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
“What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic gum disease, Sir!”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two – Sir!”

Sam Returns Home From War

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn’t seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, “Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he’s got a purple heart on!”

His mother replied, “I don’t give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Joneses’ for a couple hours.”

US Military Then & Now

1945 – we painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home. 2000 – they put the real thing in the cockpit. 1945 – your girlfriend was at home praying you would return alive. 2000 – she is in the same trench praying your condom worked. 1945 – medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own. 2000 – medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters. 1945 – a commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people. 2000 – a commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt. 1945 – wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories. 2000 – wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.1945 – all you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again. 2000 – all you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian again.

Southern Party with Navy Officers

A US Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week’s
shore leave. The first evening, the Captain was more than a
little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife
of a wealthy plantation owner:

“Dear Captain,

Thursday will be my daughter, Melinda’s, coming of age party. I
would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried
officers.

They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite
southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One
last point: No Mexicans. We don’t like Mexicans.”

Sure enough, at 8:00 PM on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the
door which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four
exquisitely mannered, smiling BLACK officers. Her jaw hit the
floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, “There must
be some mistake!”

“Madam,” said the first officer, “Captain Martinez doesn’t make
mistakes!”