Category Archives: movies & tv

Some Star Wars: A New Hope Questions Answered

Many people seem to not enjoy these movies because they think “that could
never happen” and things like that. These are the answers to the most
commonly asked questions. Hopefully, you will finally find peace.

STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE (Episode V + VI to come)

Q: Why do the Stormtroopers wear that clumsy body armor, if it doesn’t stop
laser blasts?
A: Because they’ve indoctrinated the entire population to be scared
shitless of people in white armor.

Q: How does the Death Star travel move from system to system?
A: A real big rubber band.

Q: Why does Death Star have that trench around it?
A: That’s where the rubber band fits.

Q: If Darth Vader was strong with the force, how come he didn’t notice Han
Solo coming to shoot him near the end?
A: He was busy trying to figure out how come the kid in the X-wing seemed
so familiar.

Q: Why can Death Star’s prison doors be opened without a key of any kind?
A: Everyone aboard the Death Star is on the same side.

Q: Why was Luke carrying around a string with a hook on the end in the
first place?
A: It came with his stormtrooper armor; their equipment belts are sort of
like Swiss Army knives.

Q: Why doesn’t Chewie get a medal at the end?
A: Official explanation, from the old Official Star Wars Fan Club: medals
are against his religion.

Q: How does Han consider Chewie? Sometimes he treats him like a human, and
other times like a pet (patting him on the head)?
A: It would seem Lucas couldn’t make up his mind. Several early drafts of
the script include descriptions like “Chewbacca and his master.” I once
read a fan-fiction story that included a conversation between Han Solo
and Harrison Ford. At one point, Ford asked about Han’s relationship
with Chewie; the response was, “Nothing like that, we’re just good
friends.”

Q: If Obi-Wan a long time ago hid Luke away from Darth Vader, why didn’t he
change Luke’s name?
A: I have not the remotest idea.

wank club

I’m British and so I use the word wank a lot. If you didn’t know
wank means masturbate.

I found out something funny during the film Fight Club.

In the scene when Brad Pitt is explaining the rules change the
word fight for wank. Try this the next time you watch the film.
One of the best line is “when someone goes limp, taps out the
wank is over…”

The Wisdom of Will Rogers

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n putting’
it back in.

If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now
and then to make sure it’s still there.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and
shot him…The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth
shut.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There’s two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop
digging.

Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person,
don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you’re throwing’ your weight around, be ready to have it
thrown around by somebody else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put
it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee
on the electric fence for themselves.

Blone: Job Interview: Indiana Jones

There were three girls waiting to have a job interview. One was
a brounette, one was a red head and the other one was a blone.
The brounette was called up first. The job interview was fine
and at the end the guy asked, “How many D’s in Indiana Jones?”
And the brounette imidetly answered, “1.” same thing happened
with the red head. But when the blonde was asked she started
muttering to her self, ” 2,4,6,8,10,13…” Then she asked if she
could borrow a calculater, and after 5 minutes of full on
calculating she came up with the answer, “36.” The man asked,
“how on earth did u get that answer?” And the blonde girl
started singing the Indiana jones theme song: “Da, da, da, da,
da,…….” (and so on).

Top 11 signs you watch too much TV

11) You end telephone conversations with the phrase, “You are
the weakest link. Goodbye!”

10) You wonder why the people at TV guide have never won the
Pulitzer Prize.

9) Your lifelong dream is to say “Live from New York, its
Saturday Night!!”

8) You keep wooden stakes and garlic handy in case Buffy ever
needs your help.

7) Every time someone angers you, you threaten to “vote them off
the island” the next chance you get.

6) You wonder if the dog from “Frasier” will ever be as big as
Lassie.

5) You write angry letters in Klingon to the producers of Star
Trek wondering why the hell Seven of Nine doesn’t get more face
time.

4) You wonder if today is the day the coyote finally catches the
roadrunner.

3) You end every conversation with “And that’s the bottom line,
cause (insert your name here) said so.”

2) You honestly believe that you can pass medical school based
solely on your knowledge from watching “ER”.

and the number one reason you know you’ve been watching too much
TV…

1) Every time someone answers one of your questions, you ask,
“Is that your final answer?”

Hillbilly Sound

There was a magician and his aprentice on top of a mountain. The magician
said to his apprentice, “I need two dead people for my next experiment.”
So the apprentice went down the mountain and found two dead people. There
liscenses showed they were Mrs. Hill and Mr. Hill. He took them up the
mountain to the castle. The minute the apprentice stepped in the door he
heard music. He knew not to disturb his master when he was listening to
music so he took the bodies down to the celler. He put them on the table.
Suddenly, the music grew louder and the bodies started rising; he decided
he could disturb his master so he ran up the stairs singing, “The Hills
are alive, with the sound of music!”

Stranded

I wish we wernt stranded on this iceburg steven whats for dinner
we can have ratsoup ratdogs or roastrat whats for desert icetea
and snow balls.
Wait i think i can see something get the telascope yes its a
ship were saved yes whats it called the titanic.

Austin Powers Pick up lines

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.

2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)….Let’s get you out of
these wet clothes.

3. Nice legs…what time do they open?

4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my
package.

5. You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only
one talking to you.

8. I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed
Thrasher,have you seen one?

9. I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth
tonight.

10. Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the hell
outta me.

11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I
could ride you all day long for a quarter.

12. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

13. I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.

14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is
only a light switch away.

16. You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.

17. I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even
farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

18. If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by
morning.

19. You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.

20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

21. F@#! me if I’m wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my
bedroom floor.

23. My name is Austin … remember that, you’ll be screaming it
later.

24. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by
again?

25. Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

26. My friend wants to know if YOU think I’M cute.”

27. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to
you.

28. My name isn’t Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want
to.

29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you
been drinking?

30. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth,
I bet we could do it in public.

31. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don’t you
like pizza?

32. Baby, I’m an American Express lover…you shouldn’t go home
without me.

33. Do you sleep on your stomach? no……….? Can I???

34. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in
them.

35. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went
into this cheap motel room.

Things I Have Learned From Watching Soap Opera

1. Everybody has a child that they gave up for adoption, or
don’t know they have, appears one day out of the blue as an
adult.

2. 90% of the children are not with their biological parent or
parents. If you do have kids, they either die or get some
horrible disease that is “cured.”

3. Don’t bother getting married, its only going to last a year
anyway.

4. “I want to be with you the rest of our lives,” means only for
the next year.

5. “That was a long time ago,” usually means last week.

6. Don’t get into cars. If you do, what ever you do, don’t take
that seat belt off even for a second, since that is when the car
crashes.

7. If you do, don’t get into arguments. The car crashes.

8. If you do, don’t drive during storms. The car crashes.

9. If you do, don’t be pregnant. The car crashes.

10. If you do, don’t go near cliffs. The car falls off.

11. If you do, don’t drink. The car crashes.

12. Don’t ever believe that anybody is dead, even if you saw the
body.

13. The wrong person is ALWAYS charged with the crime. They are
always going to go to jail for the rest of their lives. When
they finally find the right person, they always get off somehow.

14. DO NOT GO TO THAT PARTY.

15. The new person in town is almost always nasty and is out to
destroy people.

16. Serious conversations are always conducted in public where
they can be interrupted, overheard and above all, misconstrued.

17. Getting the hots for someone means you are now in love (for
the umpteenth time) and want to spend the rest of your live with
them for the next year.