Category Archives: movies & tv

Things I Have Learned From Watching Soap Opera

1. Everybody has a child that they gave up for adoption, or
don’t know they have, appears one day out of the blue as an
adult.

2. 90% of the children are not with their biological parent or
parents. If you do have kids, they either die or get some
horrible disease that is “cured.”

3. Don’t bother getting married, its only going to last a year
anyway.

4. “I want to be with you the rest of our lives,” means only for
the next year.

5. “That was a long time ago,” usually means last week.

6. Don’t get into cars. If you do, what ever you do, don’t take
that seat belt off even for a second, since that is when the car
crashes.

7. If you do, don’t get into arguments. The car crashes.

8. If you do, don’t drive during storms. The car crashes.

9. If you do, don’t be pregnant. The car crashes.

10. If you do, don’t go near cliffs. The car falls off.

11. If you do, don’t drink. The car crashes.

12. Don’t ever believe that anybody is dead, even if you saw the
body.

13. The wrong person is ALWAYS charged with the crime. They are
always going to go to jail for the rest of their lives. When
they finally find the right person, they always get off somehow.

14. DO NOT GO TO THAT PARTY.

15. The new person in town is almost always nasty and is out to
destroy people.

16. Serious conversations are always conducted in public where
they can be interrupted, overheard and above all, misconstrued.

17. Getting the hots for someone means you are now in love (for
the umpteenth time) and want to spend the rest of your live with
them for the next year.

Norm Peterson’s Famous Quotes

“Can I draw you a beer Norm?” “No, I know what they look like.
Just pour me one.”

“How’s a beer sound Norm?” “I dunno. I usually finish them
before they get a word in.”

“What’s shaking Norm?” “All four cheeks and a couple of chins.”

“What would you say to a nice beer Normie?” “Going down?”

[Norm comes in depressed. He just stands by the door with a
sullen face.] [mutters]”Afternoon, everybody.” “Norm!” “What’s
new Normie?” “Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach,
and they’re demanding beer.”

“What’ll it be Normie?” “Just the usual coach. I’ll have a froth
of beer and a snorkel.”

“What would you say to a beer Normie?” “Daddie wuvs you.”

“What’d you like Normie?” “A reason to live. Give me another
beer.”

“What’ll you have Normie?” “Well I’m in a gambling mood, Sammy.
I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.” “Oh, looks
like beer, Norm.” “Call me Mister Lucky.”

“What’d you say Norm?” “Any cheap, tawdry thing that’ll get me a
beer.”

“What’d you say to a beer Norm?” “Hiya, sailor. New in town?”

[coming in from the rain] “Evening everybody.” “Still pouring
Norm?” “That’s funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.”

“Whaddya say, Norm?” “Well, I never met a beer I didn’t drink.
And down it goes.”

“Hey Norm, How’s the world been treating you?” “Like a baby
treats a diper.”

“Would you like a beer Mr. Peterson?” “No, I’s like a dead cat
in a glass.”

“How’s life treating you?” “It’s not, Sammy, but you can.”

“What’s the story Mr. Peterson.” “The Bobbsey twins go to the
brewery. Let’s cut to the happy ending.”

“Hey, My. Peterson, there’s a cold one waiting for you.” “I
know, and if she calls, I’m not here.”

“Beer, Norm?” “Have I gotten that predictable? Good.”

“What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?” “A flashing sign in my gut that
says, ‘Insert beer here.'”

“Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?” “Yep, now
let’s get Joe Beer nipping at my liver ,huh?”

“What’s going on Mr. Peterson?” “Another layer for the winter,
Wood.”

“Whatcha up to Norm?” “My ideal weight if I were eleven feet
tall.”

“How’s it going Mr. Peterson?” “Poor.” “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“No, I mean pour.”

“How’s life treating you Norm?” “Like it caught me sleeping with
its’ wife.”

“Women, can’t live with ’em…..pass the beer nuts.”

“What’s going down, Normie?” “My butt cheeks on that bar stool.”

“Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?” “Allright, but stop me at
one….make that one thirty.”

“How’s it going Mr. Peterson?” “It’s a dog eat dog world, Woody,
and I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear.”

“How’s about a beer, Norm?” “That’s that amber sudsy stuff,
right? I’ve heard good things about it!”

“What’s going on Mr. Peterson?” “The question is what’s going in
Mr. Peterson?” “A little early isn’t it, Woody?” “For a beer?”
“No, for stupid Questions.”

And, the best for last

“When I go, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my
grandfather, not screaming in terror like the other three people
in his car.”

Hit Television Shows in Iraq

“Husseinfeld”

“Mad About Everything”

“U.S. Military Secrets Revealed”

“Suddenly Sanctions”

“Allah McBeal”

“Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest”

“Matima Loves Chachi”

“The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show”

“Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs”

“Wheel of Fortune and Terror”

“Iraq’s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers”

“Achmed’s Creek”

“The Price is Right If Saddam Says It’s Right”

“M*U*S*T*A*S*H”

“Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses”

“Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque”

“When Kurds Attack”

“Just Shoot Me”

“My Two Baghdads”

“Diagnosis Heresy”

“Everybody Loves Saddam Or He’ll Have Them Shot”

“Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things”

“Totally Clothed Baywatch”

Harry

i don’t care, the movie “Harry Potter” SUCKED!!!!!!!! i think
you need to be a potthead to even enjoy it let alone like it, so
the movie should be called “Harry Potthead!” see NOW the title
explanes its self!

the book was ok, but the movie….OH…god help us!

Things the Movies Really Teach Us

3rd base does not feel like apple pie, it feels like vulcanized
rubber. This can lead to much pain with continued thrusting.

You can get anywhere with a little luck and a box of chocolates.
Hard work, intelligence, its all crap.

If you are a brave heart, shut up now. You’ll only get you and
your girlfriend killed. Also true for gladiators.

Never, EVER, choose the fish over the boat. Perfect Storms tend
to destroy both.

If you find an old book with ancient writing on it, rumored to
be the book of the dead, Do Not Open!

If the most experienced, smartest, most powerful jedi you know
says no, for goodness sakes, don’t do it.

Finally, something good comes from fantasizing about 12 yr old
American Beauties. (for all you counting on #1, don’t bloody try
it. Odds are you will get a 300 pound gay roommate named Bubba)

If your teacher gives you a bad grade, he/she’s probably an
alien.

Ugly mullet-haired freak gets Brittany Daniel, Moron of the year
recipient gets Rachel Leigh Cook. There’s hope for me yet!!!

George of the Jungle vs Titanic

Prepare yourself. I have uncovered information that may shock and upset
you. Much like the Kennedy/Lincoln connections, it has come to my
attention that George of the Jungle and Titanic are basically the same
movie. While looking at the cultural values of films in my Lit class, I
accidently stumbled across this exciting news.

GEORGE: High society Ursula is engaged to the pompous, arrogant Lyle
Vandergroot but ends up in love with third class George.
TITANIC: High society Rose is engaged to the pompous, arrogant Cal Huckley
but ends up falling for third class Jack.

GEORGE: Ursula first meets George after he saves her life.
TITANIC: Rose first meets Jack when he saves her life.

GEOGRE: Ursula goes to thank George and ends up spending the rest of the
day with him.
TITANIC: Rose goes to thank Jack and ends up spending the rest of the day
with him.

GEORGE: Ursula sees George’s sensitive side when he cheers up a monkey.
TITANIC: Rose sees Jack’s sensitive side when he cheers up a little girl.

GEORGE: Ursula starts falling for George when they first dance together.
TITANIC: Rose starts falling for Jack when they first dance together.

GEORGE: George is invited to a high society party.
TITANIC: Jack is invited to a high society party.

GEORGE: Ursula’s mother forbids the love of Ursula/George
TITANIC: Rose’s mother forbids the love of Jack/Rose

GEORGE: Lyle disposes of George by locking him in a cage.
TITANIC: Cal disposes of Jack by locking him in a room.

GEORGE: Ursula gives up everything to be with George.
TITANIC: Rose gives up everything to be with Jack.

GEORGE: George sacrifices his body in order to save Ursula.
TITANIC: Jack sacrifices his life in order to save Rose.

GEORGE: George is the self-proclaimed “King of the Jungle.”
TITANIC: Jack is the self-proclaimed “King of the World”

GEORGE: Ursula wears a special necklace which reminds her of George.
TITANIC: Rose saves a special necklace which reminds her of jack.

GEORGE: Rich, snooty fiance mocks the natives for their knowledge of
photography and the ape for his choice of reading material, but they turn
out to know more than he does.
TITANIC: Rich, snooty fiance mocks his girlfriend for her knowledge of art
and her choice of reading material, but she turns out to know more than he
does.

GEORGE: George likes the feel of the wind on his face when he rides in the
limo.
TITANIC: Jack likes the feel of the wind on his face when he stands at the
bow.

GEORGE: “George just lucky I guess”
TITANIC: Jack says how lucky he is to have won the card game.

GEORGE: George doesn’t have appropriate clothing for society events.
TITANIC: Jack doesn’t have appropriate clothing for society events.

GEORGE: A benevolent ape helps George overcome his social inadequacies.
TITANIC: A benevolent passenger helps Jack overcome his social
inadequacies.

GEORGE: George returns to a dangerous situation to rescue an ape, who is
locked up and treated like an animal.
TITANIC: Jack returns to a dangerous situation to rescue a boy, who had
been locked up and treated like an animal.

GEORGE: Ursula is delighted to see unfamiliar forest creatures enjoying
their native songs.
TITANIC: Rose is delighted to see unfamiliar third-class creatures
enjoying their native songs.

GEORGE: George is left parentless due to a tragic mass-transportation
accident.
TITANIC: Jack is left lifeless due to a tragic mass-transportation
accident.

GEORGE: George dangles from a bridge to help a suicidal stranger.
TITANIC: Jack dangles from the bridge of a ship to help a suicidal
stranger.

GEORGE: George is a cartoon character brought to life through the magic of
movies.
TITANIC: Cal is a live person turned into a cartoon character through the
magic of movies.

Austin Powers Tiff

From USA Today, June 23 1999

Tamatha Brannon of suburban Atlanta said Tuesday that she has
filed an obscenity complaint against Toys’R’Us because her
11-year-old son picked up an Austin Powers doll that asked, “Do
I make you horny, baby, do I?” Exposure to the doll forced a
vocabulary word on her son “that he otherwise would never have
known to ask,” Brannon says. McFarlane Toys, maker of the doll,
says the shipping of a version of its Austin Powers toy intended
for specialty stores, not mass-market retailers such as
Toys’R’Us, was “an isolated event of human error.” The version
that Toys R Us carries instead asks, “Would you fancy a shag?”
Shag is British slang for sexual relations.

This really isn’t that unusual of a story, except the part where
they say what the Toys’R’Us model says. Is there really that
much of a difference?!