ABC-TV TO ADVERTISE ON FRUITGet ready for ABC’s ’98-’99 promo campaign: ‘We Love TV,’ coming soon to bananas and grocery stores near you! Slapping stickers on fruit is the latest turn in the TV Wars…’We are going to be the champions of television,’ announced Alan Cohen, ABC’s executive vp for marketing, during a news conference on Wednesday. Cohen went for laugh track, highlighting new ABC slogans: ‘Don’t just sit there. OK, just sit there’ ‘Without a TV, how would you know where to put the sofa?”Hello? It’s free’ ‘Before TV, two world wars. After TV, zero’ ‘You’re breathing. We’re broadcasting. Let’s get together”TV, so good they named a frozen meal after it”If TV’s so bad for you, why is there one in every hospital room?’ As ratings and shares fall, as audiences vanish, who can blame the silliness.
(From a website of English slogans on Japanese products. Don’t know how true they are. Still worth a laugh, though…)1. “Whenever and everywhere, we can meet our best friend – nature. Take a grip of steering!” (Nissan SUV)2. “When I think about the life in my own way, I need gentle conversations.” (Happy Bun Bun Candy)3. “We introduce you to the ‘Zokki Support System’ Sabrina. She’ll be one your closest friends, and this one will last. Slip on. You feel it. Watch out when you step out with Sabrina. (Sabrina Panty Hose)4. “This product is made from real duck down. Duck do wear the light and warm duck down.” (Down Jacket Aburaysia)5. “Moistens your body rapidly and softens your soul gently. Postonic is life us all.” (Postonic Bottled Water)6. “…with tasty aroma for refined adults.” (Wonda Coffee)7. “Relieve the relief and listen to the angel’s whisper.” (Angel Relief Chocolate and Biscuit)8. “For those who do not have enough time to brush their teeth.” (No Time Chewing Gum)=====
1998 DARWIN AWARD nominations:The Darwin Awards are annually bestowed upon (the remains of) individuals who have given their all in an effort to improve our gene pool. The Darwin Awards applaud those who have made the ultimate sacrifice of killing themselves by the most extraordinarily stupid means. The Awards commemorate those who find innovatively moronic ways of killing themselves, thereby helping to eliminate undesirable weaknesses from the human gene pool. GRAVITY KILLS … A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County (Virginia) police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped … and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.”The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,” Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was ”major trauma.” An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week. LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY … Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several – hundred – thousand -gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands of feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats. DON’T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT … A lawyer and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were in the front. This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: ”HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!” Needless to say, God delivered [well, wouldn’t you?]. The other two passengers on the boat survived and are said to have immediately joined the Ministry. CATCH! … A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal, you may say, but there’s a twist here that makes him a Darwin Award candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Award candidate) was hospitalized. THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU … Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone, more or less. He was doing the usual ”walking and talking” when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time. GIMME A LIGHT! … In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition -lights, power, etc.After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as ”bright” by his peers. And………………. The first candidates for the 1999 Darwin Awards have been nominated.And so, without further ado, the first candidates for ’99: MAN DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va.A 39-year-old Charlottesville man died Thursday in a freak accident involving his washing machine. According to police reports, Samuel Randolph Strickson was doing laundry when he tried to speed up the process. Strickson apparently tried to stuff approximately 50 pounds of laundry into his washing machine by climbing on top of the washer and attempting to force the clothing into the basin. Strickson then apparently accidentally kicked the washing machine’s ON button. When the machine turned on, Strickson lost his balance and both feet went down into the machine, where they got stuck. The machine started its cycle, and Strickson, unable to free himself, started thrashing around as the machine’s agitator went into gear. Strickson’s head banged against a nearby shelf in the laundry room, knocking over a bottle of bleach, which poured over Strickson’s face, blinding him. Forensic reports say Strickson apparently also swallowed some of the bleach. He then vomited, but was still unable to free himself. Strickson’s dog, then apparently came into the laundry room. At about the sametime, according to police, a large box of baking soda fell from the shelf, startling the dog, who then urinated. Urine, like vinegar, is acidic, and the chemical reaction between the urine and the baking soda resulted in ”a small explosion,” according to police reports. The dog, however, escaped unharmed. Strickson remained stuck in the washing machine, which eventually went into its high speed spin cycle, spinning Strickson around at about 70 miles per hour, according to forensic experts. Strickson’s head then smashed against a steel beam behind the washing machine, immediately killing him. A neighbor heard the commotion and called 911, but Strickson was pronounced dead at the scene. More nominees………….. (AP) LOS ANGELES – Police officials would not release the name of a Pacoima man who was found dead yesterday after responding to complaints from neighbors that a bad smell was coming from his apartment.Upon entering the apartment, officers were surprised to see that every square inch of the apartment, including appliances and even the inside of the toilet, were covered with pornographic images cut from magazines. ”The visual effect was very unsettling,” said Officer Hradj of the Pacoima Police. ”Because everything looked the same, you could not tell where one wall ended and a doorway began.” The surprises did not end there, however. Police described the manas having ”concocted a wire frame around his head” upon which he had taped various pornographic images, apparently so he could freely move about his apartment without ever losing his clasp view of nude bodies. Small slits had been cut into the paper so he could find his way, but according to Hradj, ”He had almost no peripheral vision. He could barely see a thing.” The man was found nude with this wire frame entangled in a hanging lamp. ”We think he had been dusting,” said another police officer, ”because a feather duster was lying nearby, and his head gear had somehow become caught in the lamp, which was chained to the ceiling.” The man allegedly choked to death trying to extricate himself from his predicament. According to his apartment manager, the white male in his mid-30’s never left his apartment, and had food delivered weekly.Funeral services are planned for next week. His next of kin requested that his name be withheld. FROM THE FROZEN NORTH COUNTRY: A young Inuit man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
“College students are savvy. Nobody’s going to put beer on their Cheerios as a result of our campaign.” — Spokesman for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, responding to criticism of their campaign urging people to drink beer rather than milk
In the News
GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
The Tallahassee Bugle
MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
The Anchorage Alaska Times
GOVERNOR’S PENIS BUSY
[should be “Pen Is”]
The New Haven Connecticut Register
THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
The Arkansas Plainsman
CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE’S HANDS
Bangor Maine News
STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
The Washington Times
CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
The Bosnia Bugle
LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI’S BLOW
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
San Antonio Rose
PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
Chicago Daily News
TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
The Miami Herald
MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
The New Haven Connecticut Register
GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
The Tallahassee Democrat
WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY!
The Houston Chronicle
Only in America…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance… Only in America…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink… Only in America…do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions. Only in America…do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke… Only in America…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters… Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage… Only in America…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place… Only in America…do we park in the handicapped space and then walk the length of the mall… Only in America…do we use the word ”politics” to describe the process so well: ”Poli” in latin meaning ”many” and ”tics” meaning ”blood sucking creatures”…
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating, and finally, the life cycle finishes off as an orgasm.
Some excerpts from the Quarterly Review of Doublespeak
A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient’s chart: “Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential.”
Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the American Journal of Family Practice fleas were called “hematophagous arthropod vectors.”
The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds “have an explosive force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure threshhold of physiological damage for exposed personnel.” In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely to survive.
A reader reports that the Army calls them “vertically deployed anti-personnel devices.” You probably call them bombs.
At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics were placed on “non-duty, non-pay status.” That is, they were fired.
A personal ad from an unidentified mewspaper announces that a “formerly single man” seeks a single or married woman.
After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developing (or “processing,” as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive the following notice: “We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience.” The use of the passive is a particularly nice touch, don’t you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him.
The description on the package of Stouffer’s Veal Tortellini with Tomato Sauce says it contains “exquisite egg pasta.” The list of ingredients, however, includes “cooked noodle product.”
In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertizes “semi-antique” rugs.
The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all students to do some “volunteer work” as a prerequisite to high school graduation.
Senator Orrin Hatch said that “capital punishment is our society’s recognition of the sanctity of human life.”
According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a “family farm.” Their “farm” has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a “family farm” they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Works, calls them “ground-mounted confirmatory route markers.” You probably call them road signs, but then you don’t work in a government agency.
It’s not “elderly” or “senior citizens” anymore. Now it’s “chronologically experienced citizens.”
According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn’t break off, it was just a case of “uncontained blade liberation.”
Not really funny, but man, what a world…A French driver killed a cyclist and injured another after she took her eye off the road trying to save her Tamagotchi virtual pet, police said Wednesday. The 27-year-old woman became distracted when the electronic pet, which was attached to her car key ring, started to send out distress signals. She asked a companion in her car to attend to the Tamagotchi but in the confusion she failed to notice a group of cyclists on the road ahead and slammed into the back of them. One died instantly and another was taken to hospital. Police said the woman was arrested after Sunday’s accident near the southern city of Marseille.
‘Road sex’ blamed for mystery crashesby David Williams, Motoring CorrespondentA deadly new syndrome is stalking the highways and byways of the world, according to a new report today — ”road sex”.It is claimed that the phenomenon could explain scores of mystery road crashes each year.A national poll in Australia has revealed that almost half the drivers questioned are guilty of road sex — indulging in sexual fantasies or ”sexual anger” while behind the wheel.Research suggests that after drink-driving, the second biggest killer on Australian roads is lack of concentration, often caused by those fantasies.The finding emerged during a four-year study into driver behaviour and the state of the mind immediately preceding a crash. Forty-two per cent of those surveyed admitted to indulging in sexual fantasies or experiencing ”sexual anger” while out on the road.Psychologist John Cheetham, who analysed the research for an insurance firm, said: ”Sexual frustration and irritability go together. But irritability and motor vehicles are not compatible.”If we can get into the mind of the driver in the hours leading up to an accident, we might hold the key to more effective driver education and road- accident prevention.”RAC spokesman Edmund King said there was hope for British drivers. ”We do not feel that the typical UK driver has enough time to get lost in sexual fantasies on the road,” he said.”In the UK the emotions that spill over tend to be frustration, anger and ‘road rage’ aimed at other drivers.”Perhaps the freedom of the Australian highway is more conducive to sexual fantasies than the congested UK motorways.”