Category Archives: news of the weird

15 things to do on a bus

1. Pretend you are saving the seat next to you for your
invisible friend, and if anyone tries to sit on the seat,
scream, “Don’t sit on Jake!”
2. When someone tries to get on the bus, tell them there is
another bus behind.
3. Say to someone you have never met before,”Oh my god! It’s
been ages since I’ve seen you! How’s John and Katy? It must have
been about 3 years”etc. See if they pretend to know you.
4. Shout, “FIRE!”, and when everyone gets off the bus, you will
get a seat.
5. Throw popcorn at people, and when they look at you, whistle
and hum so it is obvious that you are pretending you didn’t do
it.
6. Make a pass at the person sitting next to you.
7. Speak really loudly into your mobile, just saying, “yes. No.
Maybe. Pass. I dunno” etc.
8. Hold up the bus using your finger as a gun.
9. Use your bus pass as a FBI/Police card, and show it to
everyone.
10. tell the person next to you about how sick you get on buses
11. Keep shouting, “I need to go to the toilet!”
12. Offer your seat to someone, and when they try to take it,sit
down quickly and say,”MINE!”
13. Do the Full Monty, if you dare!
14. Say to someone, “I know what you did!”,or “I know where you
live” etc. in an evil voice.
15. Put your walkman on really loudly and dance in a crazy way.

If anyone else has anyother ideas, e-mail me at:
MarnieRichards01@aol.com

Dear Dad & Mom…

Dear Dad & Mom,Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we we’re all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.Oh yea! Please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him.Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn’t burn, but one of our tents did, also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance on it. We think it’s a neat car.He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.Scoutmaster Webb isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about us not wearing the life jackets.He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.Love, Your son, Cole– Submitted by Angela Tuttle

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut: The New York Times, November 22Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find: The Los Angeles Times, November 2’Light’ meals are lower in fat, calories: Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30Alcohol ads promote drinking: The Hartford Courant, November 18Malls try to attract shoppers: The Baltimore Sun, October 22Official: Only rain will cure drought: The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

Watching the boy grow up…

Tell you about my kid after he got his BowFlex.

It’s 2:00 in the AM when I get home and the up-stairs light is on. Go in there and he is doing an incline bench press and ahs the TV turned on with 1/2 dressed women.

I asked him what he was watching, “an HBO special on how to negotiate with hookers.”

Nodded my head and went to bed.

Kitty Toys

Kitty ToysToo Absurd Not to be TrueCalling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal.I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. ‘Ed!’ she hearkened, ‘The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it.”You know where the button is.’ I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). ‘Reset it yourself!”I am scared!’ She pleaded. ‘What if it starts going and sucks me in?’ . . . .Pause. . . . . ‘C’mon, it’ll only take a second.’No logical assurance about how a disposal can’t start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from ‘Big-ol-scary-machinephobia,’ a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I’d have to live with that the rest of my life.So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer.I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn’t a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. it was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs.She (‘Buttons’ aka ‘the Grater’) had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a ‘fight or flight’ syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the ‘flight’ option.Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered.At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. ‘What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?’If they had only known.

Consulting Advice in the Restaurant Biz

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization…

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?”

“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was rather impressed.

The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” he answered, lowering his voice. “Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom.” “How so?” “See,” he continued, “by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.”

“Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?”

“Well,” he whispered, lowering his voice even further, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

Coffee Poop (Dave Barry)

Dave Barry Column:November 7, 1997, in the Miami Herald Decaf Poopacino I have exciting news for anybody who would like to pay a lot of money for coffee that has passed all the way through an animal’s digestive tract.And you just know there are plenty of people who would. Specialty coffees are very popular these days, attracting millions of consumers, every single one of whom is standing in line ahead of me whenever I go to the coffee place at the airport to grab a quick cup on my way to catch a plane. These consumers are always ordering mutant beverages with names like “mocha-almond-honey-vinaigrette lattespressacino,” beverages that must be made one at a time via a lengthy and complex process involving approximately one coffee bean, three quarts of dairy products and what appears to be a small nuclear reactor.Meanwhile, back in the line, there is growing impatience among those of us who just want a plain old cup of coffee so that our brains will start working and we can remember what our full names are and why we are catching an airplane. We want to strike the lattespressacino people with our carry-on baggage and scream “GET OUT OF OUR WAY, YOU TREND GEEKS, AND LET US HAVE OUR COFFEE!” But of course we couldn’t do anything that active until we’ve had our coffee.It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious heroin addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles..The reason some of us need coffee is that it contains caffeine, which makes us alert. Of course it is very important to remember that caffeine is a drug, and, like any drug, it is a lot of fun.No! Wait! What I meant to say is: Like any drug, caffeine can have serious side effects if we ingest too much. This fact was first noticed in ancient Egypt when a group of workers, who were supposed to be making a birdbath, began drinking Egyptian coffee, which is very strong, and wound up constructing the pyramids.I myself developed the coffee habit in my early 20s, when, as a “cub” reporter for the Daily Local News in West Chester, Pa., I had to stay awake while writing phenomenally boring stories about municipal government. I got my coffee from a vending machine that also sold hot chocolate and chicken-noodle soup; all three liquids squirted out of a single tube, and they tasted pretty much the same. But I came to need that coffee, and even today I can do nothing useful before I’ve had several cups. (I can’t do anything useful afterward, either; that’s why I’m a columnist.)But here’s my point: This specialty-coffee craze has gone too far. I say this in light of a letter I got recently from alert reader Bo Bishop. He sent me an invitation he received from a local company to a “private tasting of the highly prized Luwak coffee,” which “at $300 a pound . . . is one of the most expensive drinks in the world.” The invitation states that this coffee is named for the luwak, a “member of the weasel family” that lives on the Island of Java and eats coffee berries; as the berries pass through the luwak, a “natural fermentation” takes place, and the berry seeds — the coffee beans — come out of the luwak intact. The beans are then gathered, washed, roasted and sold to coffee connoisseurs.The invitation states: “We wish to pass along this once in a lifetime opportunity to taste such a rarity.”Or, as Bo Bishop put it: “They’re selling processed weasel doodoo for $300 a pound.”I first thought this was a clever hoax designed to ridicule the coffee craze. Tragically, it is not. There really is a Luwak coffee. I know because I bought some from a specialty-coffee company in Atlanta. I paid $37.50 for two ounces of beans. I was expecting the beans to look exotic, considering where they’d been, but they looked like regular coffee beans. In fact, for a moment I was afraid that they were just regular beans, and that I was being ripped off.Then I thought: What kind of world is this when you worry that people might be ripping you off by selling you coffee that was NOT pooped out by a weasel?So anyway, I ground the beans up and brewed the coffee and drank some. You know how sometimes, when you’re really skeptical about something, but then you finally try it, you discover that it’s really good, way better than you would have thought possible? This is not the case with Luwak coffee. Luwak coffee, in my opinion, tastes like somebody washed a dead cat in it.But I predict it’s going to be popular anyway, because it’s expensive. One of these days, the people in front of me at the airport coffee place are going to be ordering decaf poopacino. I’m thinking of switching to heroin. Thank You,

Teaching Math through the years

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set ”L” of lumber for a set ”M” of money. The cardinality of set ”M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set ”M”. The set ”C”, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set ”M.” Represent the set ”C” as a subset of set ”M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set ”P” for profits?Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 & her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds & squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.Teaching Math in 1997: A company outsources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, & when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan & medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home & a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices & goes postal, mowing down 16 executives & a couple of secretaries, & gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/2000?

Christmas Tree

A guy farted in a elevator. He took out an air freshner. Another
guy got on the elevator. The first guy asked” What do you think
of the smell?” The second guy anwsered,” It smells like someone
poped under a Christmas Tree!”