Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he writes in his notebook. “But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replies.”Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were,” says the reporter.”Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack,” he writes in his notebook. “I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy says. “I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?” the reporter asks. “I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child says. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet”.
About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he
went to his priest, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a
refugee in my attic.”
“Well,” answered the priest, “that’s not a sin.”‘
“But I made him agree to pay me 200 Euros for every week he stayed.”
“I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.”
“Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind.” He paused for a moment and then
said, “I have one more question…”
“What is that, my son?”
“Do I have to tell him the war is over?”
There were 2 old-maid sisters… both virgins. It’s Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, “I’m not going to die a virgin… I’m going out and I’m not coming home ’til I’ve been laid!!”Betty says, “Well, make sure you’re home by 10 so I don’t worry about you.”10 o’clock rolls around and there’s no sign of Gladys… 11 o’clock… 12 o’clock… Finally about 15 after 1:00 AM the front door flies open. In runs Gladys… straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, “Are you okay, Gladys?” No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. “What is it, Gladys? What’s wrong?” asks Betty. “Betty, it was 8 inches long when it went in… and 4 when it came out. When I find the other half you’re gonna have the time of your life!!!”
Fredericks of Hollywood has filed for bankruptcy. They’ve been in business for 40 years–and they can’t afford to buy a second roll of satin fabric.
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, ”Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don’t do wonders cleaning this up, I’ll eat every chunk of it.” She turns to him with a smirk and says, ”You want ketchup on that?” The salesman says, ”Why do you ask?” She says, ”We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet.”
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal.
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.
Estaba un viejo turco agonizando:
“Mujer, est s aqu ?”
“S , Ahmed”, contesta la mujer
“Hijo, est s aqu ?”
“S , padre”, contesta afligido.
“Hija, est s aqu ?”
“Entonces, qui n putas est cuidando el negocio?”
i phoned up a resteraunt the other day and said do you deliver and they went no sorry we do lamb, chicken and fish
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when
he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under
way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and
soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.
The ensign’s efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with
talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign
glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman
approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he
was even more surprised when he read, “My personal congratulations upon
completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with
amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten
rules — Make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way.”