Category Archives: other

Una pareja va al m dico;

Una pareja va al m dico; el que habla es el marido:

“Mire dostor, tenemos un problema: mi mujer y yo queremos tener condescendencia, pero no sabemos si es porque yo soy omnipotente o porque ella es hist rica.

Antes hemos ido a otro dostor y nos dijo que mi mujer ten a la vajilla rota y la emperatriz subida, y como adem s la operaron de la bas lica balear, no sabemos si eso puede influir.

Tambi n a m hace a os me operaron de la protesta y a lo mejor me han dejado escuelas en el cuerpo.

Nos recomendaron ir a un m dico de Boston que era muy bueno y, mire, en cuanto entramos a la consulta hab a all dos ordenadores conestados a una antena paranoica. A mi mujer le hicieron una coreograf a, y el m dico nos dijo que no ve a nada raro. Entonces nos recomend que hici ramos el cojito: 15 d as ella y 15 d as yo haciendo el cojito, pero nada.

Nos volvimos para aqu y otro dostor nos recomend hacer vida mar tima: en todas las playas hac amos vida mar tima, pero nada.

Adem s, mi mujer hace tiempo tuvo un alboroto y le naci el f retro muerto y a lo mejor eso ha influido, pero yo creo que mi mujer es frigor fica, porque nunca llega al or gano”.

“Me parece que usted lo que tiene es un problema de especulaci n atroz”, diagnostica el ginec logo.

Drums, Drummers, Drumming

A man goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane,
he hears drums. He thinks, “Wow, this is cool.”

He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he
goes to a luau, and he hears drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums.

This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can’t
sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk.
When he gets there, he asks the manager, “Mister, that’s it!! Why won’t those
drummers stop?! I can’t get any sleep!” The manager replies, “No! The drums must
NEVER stop. It’s terrible if the drums stop drumming.”

“Why?”

“When drums stop… bass solo begins.”

How fast was I going?

“When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.””You’re wrong, officer, it’s only my hat that makes me look that old.”

Toons on drugs

Top 9 cartoon characters suspected of drug abuse.

1. GARGAMEL (From the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?

2. OLIVE OYL
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?? She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger to her friend. One side question…what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? What is it…her personality? NOT!

3. SNAGGLEPUSS
Can’t explain it. Maybe it’s the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.

4. HE-MAN
This is an easy one. I mean c’mon. Roid monkey #1. “BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!” Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Can we say “animal abuse?

5. YOGI AND BOO-BOO
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side? Are they gay? I mean, take a look a Boo-Boo. Not that there’s anything wrong with that……….

6. DROOPY
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can’t someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of babe. Sort of makes you wonder.

7. DOPEY DWARF
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.

8. DAFFY DUCK
If he isn’t using crack, Merion Berry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from “daffiness” but Haldol wouldn’t work for him.

9. SHAGGY
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does pot….no if, ands or buts about it. And look at the way him and his friends painted that van!
Pretty rad design dude

Submitted by Curtis

What to do if Jehova’s witnesses appear at your do

1. Actually invite them in, lead them to the kitchen and sit
them down in front of the fridge, saying, “why don’t you talk to
this, it will probably find you much more exciting than anyone
else will”.

2. Run about the house screaming “THE MESSIAH! THE MESSIAH HAS
RETURNED!”. After about five minutes of this, calmly walk to the
door and throw yourself prostrated to the ground until they
leave, terrified.

3. Hand them a case saying GOD’S REFERALS on it, muttering under
your breath “nice disguise, but lose the anorak” in your best
James Bond accent.

4. Exclaim in your best Italian Mafia voice “Jehova? but I was
cleared of that case three years ago!”.

5. Open the door in a hurry, run out of the house brushing past
them and pelt it down the road. Get your wife or husband or
anyone of the opposite sex to then lean out of the door shaking
their fist and shouting “And good riddance to y’all!”.

6. Put on a fake white beard and a nightie with “JESUS” written
on it and complain about how they are acting or how they are
dressed in as many ways as possible.

Smoking doesn’t kill people…

Remember, smoking doesn t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. It’s only fair. Since smokers aren’t around as long as the rest of us, they should pay more while they’re here.

I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me.

Trying to quit smoking can drive you nuts — especially when you try to light your nicotine gum.

Marlboro has a line of outdoor gear for smokers. They recommend you buy it a size larger so paramedics don t have to cut it off of you.

The Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart paddles sewed right into the lining, and there s a backpack that can hold a portable respirator.

I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy. My wife is furious.

Se encuentran dos habitantes de

Se encuentran dos habitantes de Tontilandia en la calle y uno ven a caminando con las piernas arqueadas…

” Hola, que tal?”

“Bien, pero ayer fui al medico y me dijo que ten a el colesterol muy alto.”

” Qu tiene que ver el colesterol con caminar de esa forma?”

“Es que me dijo el m dico que los huevos ni tocarlos.”

Vaguely Obscene Nun Jokes

What is black and white and green and black and white?
Two nuns fighting over a sweaty pickle.

What is black and white and grinds up and down, up and
down?
A nun churning butter.

What is black and white and screams “YES! YES! YES!”
A nun winning at BINGO.

What is black and white and pink and hard?
A nun stopping, lifting her habit up to her shins, and
sratching her ankle bone.

What is black and white and gooey and creamy?
A nun eating a bowl of Tapioca pudding.

What is black and white and makes a wet, sucking sound?
A toothless, elderly nun eating a Communion wafer.