Category Archives: other

Letter of Recommendation and hidden meaning

Letter of Recommendation –

While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be
sent away as soon as possible.

Sd/-

Branch Manager

—————————————————————–

A second note following the report:

XXXXXX was present when I was writing the report mailed to you today.
Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7,… for my true assessment
of him.

Regards,

Sd/-

Branch Manager

Era un se or que se

Era un se or que se la hab a desconpuesto el carro a mitad de una carretera y enfrente de un pante n, y le hab an dicho que por esa carretera pasaba un coche manej ndose solo. El amigo temblendo de miedo y sin saber que hacer dijo: “Primer carro que pase ni raite la pido, as me subo.”

En eso alcanza ver un coche que ven a all lejos con las intermitentes prendidas y despacito y en cuanto pasa por all se sube y ya arriba el amigo temblando de miedo llevaba los ojos cerrados para no ver nada. Ya casi llegando a un pueblo voltea acia el lado del chofer y no hab a nadie! y se baja como alma que lleva el diablo, corre y corre.

Llega a una cantina y le dice al cantinero entre sollozos lo ocurrido… cuando de repente se aparecen tres amigos asoleados y sudando, y el cantinero les pregunta:

” Que a ustedes tambi n se les apareci el fantasma?”

Y les responden los amigos:

No!, venimos correteando a un jijo de su madre que se nos subi al carro que ven amos empujando!”

Acid

there was a kid playing with some acid when a revren said “dont play with acid play with holy water” the kid said “whats the difference?” “well i put this holy water on a preagnent woman she passed two babies” “so i put this acid on my dogs ballox it passed a ferrarie!”

Un tipo lleg al trabajo

Un tipo lleg al trabajo todo desanimado, casi arrastr ndose y con cara de preocupaci n. Como era un buen empleado, el jefe lo llam y le aconsej :

” Por qu no haces como yo? Cuando estoy deprimido como t , me voy a casa, tomo una buena ducha, le hago el amor a mi mujer y de inmediato me siento como nuevo”.

El tipo sali dispuesto a seguir el consejo del jefe. Al final de la tarde volvi muy animado.

” Qu tal? Funciona, no?”, le pregunt el jefe.

” Vaya que s ! Estoy totalmente recuperado! Su esposa es una maravilla!”

Bragging about Japan

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!”After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!”And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.The Japanese exclaimed, “Wah… so expensive!”There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!”

Elmo Factory Worker

A woman desperately looking for work goes to the Tickle Me Elmo Factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets that he has no jobs worthy of her skills. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.

The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the “Tickle Me Elmo” assembly line. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there’s a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The “Tickle Me Elmo” Assembly Line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to Kingdom Come. Right at the end of the line is the woman he had hired. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically and finally after several minutes of rolling laughter he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: “I’m sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.”

Feeding A Gorilla

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and for all of its life, he’d never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o’clock. But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can’t I touch its fur?” as there didn’t seem to be anything wrong with it. Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldn t understand until, about a week later, he d worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur. Suddenly the gorilla went ape wild and started to jump around, then it turned and began running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else s sports car and drove off. In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behind him. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone’s front garden and up the apple tree.

He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest. The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he’d lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alley-way, then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. The gorilla! It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked straight into the bloodshot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly. This time there was no escape.

As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! You re it!”

People starving

President Bush hosted a state dinner for the prime minister of India.

There was an awkward moment when Bush urged the Indian prime minister to clean his plate because there were people starving in his country.

-Conan O’Brien

No Jews

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one
night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod –one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, ‘Sorry, no room. The hotel is
full.’ The Jewish lady said, ‘But your sign says that you have vacancies.’ The
desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, ‘You know that we do not admit Jews.
Now if you will try the other side of town…’

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, ‘I’ll have you know I converted
to your religion.’

The desk clerk said, ‘Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus
born?’

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, ‘He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town
called Bethlehem.’

‘Very good,’ replied the hotel clerk. ‘Tell me more.’

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, ‘He was born in a manger.’

‘That’s right,’ said the hotel clerk. ‘And why was he born in a manger?’

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, ‘Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn’t
give a Jewish lady a room for the night!’

NOTICE OF REVOCATION

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCETo the citizens of the United States of America,In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The right honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.6. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.”Merde” is French for “sh*t”.8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us bonkers.Thank you for your co-operation.