Category Archives: other

Heartbreaking letter from the Internet

This just breaks my heart… please pass it on somore can help this unfortunate child…> Dear Friend:> I am a very sick boy little boy. My mother is typing> this for me, because I can’t. She is crying.> Don’t cry, Mommy! Mommy is always sad, but she says> it’s not my fault. I asked her if it was God’s fault,> but she didn’t answer, and only started crying harder,> so I don’t ask her that anymore.> The reason she is so sad is that I’m so sick. I was> born without a body. It doesn’t hurt, except when I go> to sleep.> The doctors gave me an artificial body. My body is a> burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that> was the best they could do on account of us having no> money or insurance. I would like to have a body> transplant, but we need more money.> Mommy doesn’t work because she said employers don’t> hire crying people. I said, “Don’t cry, Mommy,” and she> hugged my burlap body. Mommy always gives me hugs, even> though she’s allergic to burlap, and it chafes her real> bad.> I hope you will help me. You can help me if you> forward this e-mail. Dr. Johansen said if you forward> this e-mail then Bill Gates will team up with AOL and> do a survey with NASA. Then the astronauts will collect> prayers from school children all over America and take> them up to space so that the angel can hear them> better. Then they will go to the Pope, and he will take> up a collection in church and send the money to the> doctors. The doctors could help me better then.> Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Or> maybe just use my lungs and heart, when the doctors> make them. The doctors said that every time you forward> this letter, the astronauts can take another prayer to> the angels. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want> a body. I don’t want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.> If you don’t forward this e-mail, that’s OK. Mommy> says you’re a mean heartless shithead who doesn’t care> about a poor little boy with only a head.> She says that if you don’t stew in the raw pit of> your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long> slow horrible death so you can burn forever in hell.> What kind of goddamned person are you that you can’t> take five minutes to forward this to all your friends so> that they can feel guilt and shame for the rest of> their day, and then maybe help a poor, bodiless> nine-year-old boy?> Please help me. This really sucks. I try to be happy> but it’s hard. I wish I had a puppy. I wish I could> hold a puppy.> Thank You.> Billy ‘Smiles’ Evans,> The boy with just a head.> And a burlap sack for a body.

Sitting on the porch

Two elderly widows were sitting on the prch when one asks the other, “Do you still get horny?”
“Of course!” Replied the other.
“What do you do about it,” the first one inquired.
“I suck a lifesaver.”
“But…who drives you to the beach?”

Letter to Send to People Who Won’t Hire You

[Date Today]

Dear [Interviewer’s Name]:

Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Acme Inc.’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

[Your Name]

Nun beaten badly

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said……….

“Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?”

The Cab Driver Goes to Heaven

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter,
who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St.
Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into
Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching
these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon
scanning the preacher’s entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and
says, “Okay, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”

The preacher is astonished and replies, “But I am a man of the cloth. You gave
that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a
cabbie.”

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: “this is heaven and, up here,
we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie
drove his taxi, people prayed.”

La muchacha llorando llega donde

La muchacha llorando llega donde su pap . El se or todo angustiado le pregunta la raz n de sus l grimas.

” Ay, pap , es que en el cine dijeron que cuando uno se muere se pone tieso”.

“S , hija, y qu hay con eso?”

“Es que mi novio se est muriendo por partes”.

The Kilted Scotsman

THE KILTED SCOTSMAN

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whiskey at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, “I’ve always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.”

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said, “Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now!
He must be rewarded!” So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt…and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.

After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said…
“I don’t know where y’been lad…but it’s nice ta’know y’won first prize!”

Mission statement

Mission Statement

1. TO LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES.(Ha !)
2. TO ALWAYS WORK TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY. (( Hey I m being serious here!))
3. IN THE EVENT OF POINT 2. NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH HAVE THE CAPACITY TO SAY F### IT!
4. NEVER P##S OFF ANYONE WITH A HORMONAL IMBALANCE (I.E. Anyone on H.R.T., Men suffering from man-flu,big blokes on steroids,women.){{This point was added as a direct result of point 1.}}
5. NEVER FLY ON A PLANE WHERE THE PILOT IS ANY OF THE ABOVE.
6. TO HAVE THE CAPACITY TO SAY SORRY ( In the unlikely event that I m wrong!!. If not say it anyway to any persons identified in point4.
7. NEVER.NEVER .NEVER. GO TO BED ON A ARGUMENT ..(Stay up and drink Jack Daniels instead!)
8. TREAT OTHERS AS THEY DESERVE TO BE TREATED(( Unless -of course- what they deserve is a good kick in the b#####ks))
9. UNDERSTAND THAT OTHERS DO NOT ALL SHARE YOUR VISION! (Especially when it comes to driving!!!!!!)
10. Remember I AM GARY (unless ive forgot to insure car in which case in JOHN)
Gary Woodward

Skunk In The House

There’s a Canadian an American and an Iraqi. Each is challenged to go into and remain in a house for ten minutes. The prize is $10,000 dollars. What they don’t know is that there is a skunk in the house!

The Canadian goes in and runs out after five seconds, “It stinks in there!”

The American goes in and last ten seconds.

Then the Iraqi goes in and five seconds later the skunk runs out!