Category Archives: other

What to do if Jehova’s witnesses appear at your do

1. Actually invite them in, lead them to the kitchen and sit
them down in front of the fridge, saying, “why don’t you talk to
this, it will probably find you much more exciting than anyone
else will”.

2. Run about the house screaming “THE MESSIAH! THE MESSIAH HAS
RETURNED!”. After about five minutes of this, calmly walk to the
door and throw yourself prostrated to the ground until they
leave, terrified.

3. Hand them a case saying GOD’S REFERALS on it, muttering under
your breath “nice disguise, but lose the anorak” in your best
James Bond accent.

4. Exclaim in your best Italian Mafia voice “Jehova? but I was
cleared of that case three years ago!”.

5. Open the door in a hurry, run out of the house brushing past
them and pelt it down the road. Get your wife or husband or
anyone of the opposite sex to then lean out of the door shaking
their fist and shouting “And good riddance to y’all!”.

6. Put on a fake white beard and a nightie with “JESUS” written
on it and complain about how they are acting or how they are
dressed in as many ways as possible.

Smoking doesn’t kill people…

Remember, smoking doesn t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. It’s only fair. Since smokers aren’t around as long as the rest of us, they should pay more while they’re here.

I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me.

Trying to quit smoking can drive you nuts — especially when you try to light your nicotine gum.

Marlboro has a line of outdoor gear for smokers. They recommend you buy it a size larger so paramedics don t have to cut it off of you.

The Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart paddles sewed right into the lining, and there s a backpack that can hold a portable respirator.

I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy. My wife is furious.

Se encuentran dos habitantes de

Se encuentran dos habitantes de Tontilandia en la calle y uno ven a caminando con las piernas arqueadas…

” Hola, que tal?”

“Bien, pero ayer fui al medico y me dijo que ten a el colesterol muy alto.”

” Qu tiene que ver el colesterol con caminar de esa forma?”

“Es que me dijo el m dico que los huevos ni tocarlos.”

Vaguely Obscene Nun Jokes

What is black and white and green and black and white?
Two nuns fighting over a sweaty pickle.

What is black and white and grinds up and down, up and
down?
A nun churning butter.

What is black and white and screams “YES! YES! YES!”
A nun winning at BINGO.

What is black and white and pink and hard?
A nun stopping, lifting her habit up to her shins, and
sratching her ankle bone.

What is black and white and gooey and creamy?
A nun eating a bowl of Tapioca pudding.

What is black and white and makes a wet, sucking sound?
A toothless, elderly nun eating a Communion wafer.

When old men act up……

There are these two old ladies and this old man. They decided to go out to dinner. The old man started flinging his food and acting up. The ladies said “act your age.” So then the old man died.

Un d a, la boa estaba

Un d a, la boa estaba que se mor a de hambre y fue a pedir trabajo a un burdel. La leona, que era la madrota, se burla de la boa diciendo que estaba muy maltratada en comparaci n con sus putitas como la loba, la pantera, la avestruz, etc. Fue tanto el rogar de la boa que la leona le dio trabajo, y le dijo que se enredara en un rbol para ver si ca a alg n desesperado.

Pasada la media noche, lleg el conejo dici ndole a la leona que quer a echar pata. La leona le aclar que todas estaban ocupadas pero que ten a una nueva, que la probara y que luego le dijera que tal hab a estado.

El conejo se fue corriendo a buscar a la boa. Cuando la boa lo ve venir, de un solo bocado se lo traga, ya que estaba fam lica. Entonces, se queda pensando un rato y decide escupirlo ya que si se lo tragaba, la leona la iba a matar.

Sale el conejo todo lleno de saliva dando vueltas. Cuando logra levantarse, todav a sacado de onda, exclama:

” Si as estuvo la mamada, c mo estar la cogida!”

Amazing Anagrams

An Anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the
letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite
astounding (although I think someone has too much spare time on their
hands).

Amazing anagrams:

Dormitory == Dirty Room
Evangelist == Evil’s Agent
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in ’em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z’s
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point == I’m a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it

The next two are truely really amazing. This well known phrase from Hamlet
by Shakespeare:

“To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the
mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.”

becomes:

“In one of the Bard’s best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.”

This phrase from more recent history (including the name of the man
who uttered it):

“That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.”
– Neil A. Armstrong

becomes:

“A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon!
On to Mars!”