Category Archives: other

Andy Rooney on…

Andy Rooney on Prisoners.

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I’ll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a tread mill and generate electricity. And, if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the generator.

Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, “Married!” and walking away. Fabric softeners are how wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it’s hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.

Andy Rooney on morning differences.

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And women are thinking, “How can he want me the way I look in the morning?” It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Andy Rooney on cripes.

My wife’s from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.They use words like ‘Cripes’ ‘For Cripes sake.’ Who would that be: Jesus Cripes? The son of ‘Gosh’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’? I’m not making fun of it; You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?

Andy Rooney on Grandmas.

My grandmother has a bumper sticker that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen.’ You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Andy Rooney on answering machines.

Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone’s answering machine? “Hi, it’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are,too. The thought for the day is: “Share the love.” BEEP “Uh, yeah. . .this is the VD clinic calling . . . Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love..”

Andy Rooney on Monica.

Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.

Sex as you get older

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time… and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year… maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, “Well how about you and Grandma now?” His grandfather replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex now.” “What’s oral sex?” the young fellow asked. “Well,” Grandpa said, “She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, ‘F*ck You’, and I holler back, ‘F*ck You too.

Blank Signboard

A priest, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost wrote upon it: “I
pray for all.”
A Solicitor wrote underneath: “I plead for all.”

A doctor added: “I prescribe for all.”

A simple citizen wrote: “I pay for all.”

Bed wetting problem

This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor.

The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room.

When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror.

She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror.

The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror.

After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.

The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.

He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed.

The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

He replies, “I wanted to see how I would look with a beard.”

Era un concurso internacional en

Era un concurso internacional en el que participaban un alem n, un americano y un mexicano. El ganador ser a el que lograra pasar sin armas un bosque con lobos, cruzar nadando un lago lleno de cocodrilos, entrar a una cueva y matar a un oso a cachetadas y al final hacer el amor con una mujer.

En primer lugar se lanza el alem n; entra en el bosque e inmediatamente los lobos se lo comen.

Sigue el turno del americano quien logra deshacerse de los lobos, pero al tratar de cruzar el lago es devorado por los cocodrilos.

Por ltimo llega el turno del mexicano, quien logra pasar el bosque, llega al lago, pelea con los cocodrilos y sale con vida. Inmediatamente entra a la cueva del oso. Se escuchan ruidos extra os, rugidos, gritos y despu s de un rato sale el mexicano lleno de sangre y con sus ropas destrozadas y pregunta:

” D nde est la vieja esa que hay que matar a cachetadas?”

Indian Birth Names

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

“Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named “Mighty Storm”?

“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”

“Why is my sister named “Cornflower”?

“Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.”

“And why is my other sister called “Moonchild”?

“We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.”

“Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”

Describe professions

What does your profession say about you?

1. MARKETING – You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to
avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and
socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least
compatible with Sales.

2. SALES – Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a
degree.” You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and
begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you
can “concentrate on the big picture.” You seek admiration for your golf game
throughout your life.

3. TECHNOLOGY – Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are
instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace.
Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell.
It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4. ENGINEERING – One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is
said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be
happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest “ergo dynamic”
gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel
syndrome.”

5. ACCOUNTING – The only other sign that studied in school. You
are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the
organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of
rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6. HUMAN RESOURCES – Ironically, given your access to confidential
information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly
the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to
return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then
mail a letter.

7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT – Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless,
you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable
to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of
meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle
Managers” as everyone in you social circle is a “Middle Manager.”

8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT – (See above – Same sign, different title)

9. CUSTOMER SERVICE – Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride
from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a
little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play
“Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to
sleep with your manager.

10. CONSULTANT – Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid
revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your
“skills” are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other
organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these
career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11. RECRUITER, “HEADHUNTER” – As a “person” that profits from the success of
others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on
commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks
correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO – You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to
figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13. GOVERNMENT WORKER – Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius
inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep
depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job… Thus
the term “GO POSTAL”

Football Fan To The

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he writes in his notebook. “But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replies.”Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were,” says the reporter.”Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack,” he writes in his notebook. “I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy says. “I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?” the reporter asks. “I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child says. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,  “Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet”.

Forgive Me Father

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he
went to his priest, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a
refugee in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the priest, “that’s not a sin.”‘

“But I made him agree to pay me 200 Euros for every week he stayed.”

“I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.”

“Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind.” He paused for a moment and then
said, “I have one more question…”

“What is that, my son?”

“Do I have to tell him the war is over?”