Category Archives: other

Stupid Things to do at the dinner table

1. Start chewing with your mouth open and make really sick
noises. When your parents go “Stop chewing with your mouth
open!” Say that your jaw really hurts when you keep your mouth
closed for more than 2 seconds.

2. Ask your parents if you can have brocolli for desert. If
they say “Awww….isn’t that sweeet……..” say that you need
to eat healthy a night before you rob the bank. Heheheheheheheh.

3. Before dinner, ask if you can go out for dinner. If you
succeed, on the drive there, tell your parents that your friend
will be there because you are both going out on a date and she
can’t sit in the room near you two. Watch as your parents make a
U-Turn right there.

4. At the dinner table, secretly snatch the salad dressing from
the salad and replace it with seltzer water. Say “Mom, this
stuff tastes like bubbly soda. New recipe?”

5. Secretly snatch all the silverware from the silverware
cabinet. Tell your parents there is no need to worry, you
learned to make forks and spoons out of paper in art class.
Take some time to teach them.

6. Start a nice conversation. Suddenly go- “Ewwww…..something
smells………..its coming from the right side of the table.!”
Make sure somebody you hate is sitting in the table you say.
Then your parents will say “Just ignore it.” Than say: “Ignore
it? How would you like it if the smell of hot gasoline was
bothering you so much you lost all your sense of smell, and then
you just say “Just Ignore it.”

7. Tell your parents how good the meal is that you normally
hate. Then they’ll say: “Why do you like it now?” Then you say
“Well compared to the sloppy joes served at school, they’re
awesome!” Parents: “Then I’m sure you loved those sloppy joes.”
You: “No, they tasted like caster oil.”

Shit

Shit is a powerful word.

Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

CONSIDER THIS: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.

People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded and shit over.

Some people know their shit while others can’t tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.

There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don’t want any shit at all.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else.

Un marido llega tarde a

Un marido llega tarde a casa y salta r pidamente a la cama.

“D jame tranquila”, dice su mujer. “Tengo dolor de cabeza.”

“Pero bueno, qu os pasa hoy a todas?”

Se encuentran Pedro y Mar a…

Se encuentran Pedro y Mar a… y Pedro dice:

“Y te casaste con Pancho, Mar a…”

“Claro que s Pedro…”

” Y donde van a ir de luna de miel?”

“Pues creo que Pancho me va a llevar al manicomio…”

“Pero Mar a, c mo que te va a llevar al Manicomio…?”

“Es que Pancho me dijo: Mar a, te voy a pegar una cogida de loco…”

Long life

A man once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and lived to be 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Redheaded Baby

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. “Doctor,” he said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.” “Nonsense,” the doctor said.”Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.” “It isn’t possible,” the man insisted.”We’re pure Asian.” “Well,” said the doctor, “let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?” The man seemed ashamed.”I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month.” “There you have it!” the doctor said confidently.”It’s just rust.”

Man in California

Once there was a man in California. He was standing on a beach when God appeared to him.

God said, “You’ve been a good man all your life and now I want to grant you one wish. Go ahead and wish for whatever you want.”

The man thought for a minute and then replied: “You know, I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii. Could you build me a highway to Hawaii so that I can drive there whenever I want?”

God exclaimed, “That’s impossible! The logistics….the engineering… I can’t do that! Wish for something else.”

So the man told God, “I’ve never been able to understand women. Could you give me the power to understand women?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Rocketman

Agony uncle

If agony aunts were uncles:

Reader: My husband-to-be ,still pines for his old girlfriends. I’m afraid he will not be faithful.

Jim: A man’s capacity to love is boundless, it has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice. expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of has behavior.

Reader: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

Jim: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.

Reader: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

Jim: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing – your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get mum involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.

Reader: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

Jim: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but with only 10 calories a spoonful it is nutritious and helps you to keep tour figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present and cook him a nice meal.

Reader: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.

Jim: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget, you may wish to video yourself while doing this and to sell it at a car boot sale. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice, expensive present and cook a delicious meal.