Category Archives: other

Estaba Pepito en plena Revoluci n

Estaba Pepito en plena Revoluci n al lado de Carranza y Zapata. En ese tiempo ya no hab a que comer y pues ya era justo ingerir algo.

Entonces, a Carranza se le ocurre una idea:

“Viendo la situaci n y como ya no que comer, pues nos tendremos que comer a los humanos; para empezar, yo como soy Carranza, me toca la panza”.

“Y yo como soy Zapata, me como la pata”.

“Pues yo como soy Pepito… Ya no tengo hambre!”

El abuelo est en el

El abuelo est en el ba o lavando al nietecito.

“Abuelo, crees que yo tengo una buena pichurrilla?”

“Pues ver s, no est nada mal para tu edad”.

” Cu nto puede pesar m s menos, abuelito?”

“Calculo que unos 150 gramos”.

” Y la de pap ? Est bien?”

“Hombre, tu padre es mayor, con m s experiencia, m s formado. Tampoco se puede quejar”.

” Y cu nto pesar la suya?”.

“No sabr a decirte. Alrededor de 300 gramos, m s o menos”.

” Y la tuya, abuelo, pesa mucho?”

“Ni te imaginas. Entre tu abuela y yo no podemos levantarla!”

Star Wars Ode to Y.O.D.A.

Y. O. D. A (To the Village People’s “Y. M. C. A”)

(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker).

YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said
YOUNG MAN, now it’s muddy and brown. I said
YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, ’cause I
*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*
YOUNG MAN, There’s no need to feel fear. I am
WONDERIN’, tell me why are you here? How you
GROWIN’, from this food on the plate, I say
*WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A.
He’s 900 years old!
He’s so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
Come and get yourself clean!
Come and have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force you’ll feel!

YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN’ brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
*SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM*
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is
COMIN’, master Yoda not far. I’ll be
HAVIN’ this bright thing that ain’t hot. It is
*MINE* *OR* *I’LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A.
He’s 900 years old!
He’s so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
Don’t just stand in the rain!
You’re all covered with mud!
come and sample my homemade crud!

OLD BEN, Are you listenin’ to me? I can’t
TRAIN HIM, he’s so reckless you see! Like his
OLD MAN, he’s so angry but brave! Betcha
*HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE*
YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends? To be
TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
*WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU’RE* *A* *JERK*

You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A
You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A
You should stay here and train!
You don’t have to save Han!
If you do so, you’ll lose your hand!

You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A.
(repeat and fade).

Simple Response to Telemarketers

I get so sick of those telephone people calling all the time.
“Yes this is Associates Credit and we want …” Well, here is an
effective way to get them to quit calling.

Caller: Hello this is (company or item being sold) and we would
like to speak to (whoever). Are they available?

Me: Yeah. (Long silence) You wanna talk to em?

Caller: Um, Yes please. Thank you.

Me: Well, I’m not gonna give them the phone. (I was about 13
when I tried this)

Caller: Little girl, let me speak with you mother or …

Me: Or what?

Caller: I just …”

Me: hang on please …

Caller: (mumbling) finally … I hate kids …

Me: (leaves phone unattended for ten minutes, picks up phone and
to my surprise she is still there, disguise my voice) Hello,
this is (whoever), may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I am from –

Me: Hold please

Caller: (sigh)

Me: (no longer disguising my voice but faking crying ten minutes
later) I have no friends … it would be nice to have a friend,
seeing how persistent you are, maybe you would like to be my
friend??

Caller: (exasperated) LET ME SPEAK WITH YOUR MOTHER!!

Me: UGH ok!

Caller: Jeez …

Me: (leaves phone unattended for ten more minutes, disguises
voice) Hello I’m back, I was in the bathroom. I have had this
terrible pain in my stomach and it makes me –

Caller: MA’AM!! Hello, I am from (company) and I was –

Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Caller: Ma’am?? Ma’am is everything alright???? Ma’am!!

Me: Sorry, I saw what I thought was a bug. It was an old raisin.
Do you like raisins? I like em, they do give me gas sometimes
and –

Caller: Mrs. (whoever) I am from (company) and I was wondering –

Me: Why did you interrupt me? That was rude. I was just going to
tell you that raisins get stuck in my teeth sometimes and my
husband gets dia –

Caller: Ma’am I really am not interested in what happens when
you eat raisins and –

Me: I am really not interested in whatever you want to sell me
… (no longer disguising my voice)

Caller: YOU! Please, I am begging you let me talk to your mother

Me: Oh … She is not here. But, I still have no friends and
…:)

Caller: OGHUGHG!! (hangs up LOUDLY)

The funniest part of the story is my mother was sitting next to
me the whole time holding another phone, listening to the whole
thing …..

The teacher told us

A teenage girl arriving home from school asks her mother, Is it true what the teacher told us today?”

What s that? the mother replied.

That babies come from the same place that boys put their penises, the daughter said.

Yes it is dear, mother said, glad that the subject had finally come up at school.

But when I have a baby, the girl responded, Won t it knock my teeth out?

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman

3 GUYS DIE

3 Guys die one likes to have mad sex, one likes to eat like
crazy, and the last guy likes to smoke weed. God says that to
teach them a leson about there life he locks them in room with
there favourite things for 100 years each. The guy who likes to
have sex is locked in room with a ton of sexy woman, the fat
eating machine is locked in a room with tons of food, and the
guy who likes to smoke weed is locked in a room with tons of
weed. After 100 years he lets out the guy who like have sex says
“the woman got dry after a while I never ever want to have sex
again”. Then God lets out the guy who eats like a machine when
he let him out he said “I the fatest bastard you’ve ever seen I
never want to eat again”.Then the God lets out the guy the guy
who smokes weed all the time when he came out he was crying he
said “do you have a lighter”.

Una pandilla de violadores se

Una pandilla de violadores se mete a un convento a punta de metralleta.

El jefe de los delincuentes ordena a gritos que se re nan todas las religiosas y vocifera:

“Ahora si, carajo, nos vamos a coger a todas. A todas!”

La superiora sale en defensa de las religiosas diciendo: ” No, eso no Por favor! Nuestras reglas no nos lo permiten!”

“Est bien”; responde el violador, “entonces regresamos la pr xima semana”.

Defamation of character

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?”
The judge said that was true.

“Does this mean I cannot call a pig, ‘Mrs. Johnson’?” the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig ‘Mrs. Johnson’ with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said…
“Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!”

Cierto joven siempre so con

Cierto joven siempre so con tener una ‘Harley Davidson’. As que un d a, habiendo ahorrado suficiente fue a un ‘dealer’ y compr su moto.

Luego de escogerla, el vendedor le advierte que si la deja afuera mientras llueve, puede oxidarse, as que le recomienda que siempre tenga un frasco de vaselina a la mano, para untarle a la moto.

Unos meses despu s, el joven se enamora de una chica y ella lo invita a cenar en su casa para conocer a sus padres. Cuando el joven llega en su moto, antes de entrar ella le advierte que en su familia hay una vieja tradici n seg n la cual, al primero que hablara despu s de la cena le tocaba lavar los platos.

Despu s de una deliciosa cena, todos contin an sentados, esperando al primero que rompa el silencio, pues nadie quiere lavar.

Pasan 30 largos minutos y el joven, para acelerar un poco las cosas, toma a la novia y la besa enfrente de todos. Nadie dice ni una palabra!

Entonces decide tomar medidas extremas. Toma a su novia, la pone sobre la mesa y tiene sexo con ella… Nadie dice una palabra!

Ahora el hombre est desesperado, as que toma a la suegra, y tiene sexo con ella, de forma a n m s salvaje que con la novia…

Pero nadie dice ni una palabra!

Ahora,el joven est a punto de reventar y no sabe qu hacer, cuando en la distancia oye unos truenos… Su primer pensamiento es proteger la Harley Davidson. As que saca del bolsillo la vaselina…

Entonces el padre dice:

” Est bien, yo lavo, carajo!”