Category Archives: Funny Jokes

Free funny text jokes

Jury

Why did all the young girls flock to the courtroom?

They’d heard about the hung jury.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

Forgive Me Father

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he
went to his priest, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a
refugee in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the priest, “that’s not a sin.”‘

“But I made him agree to pay me 200 Euros for every week he stayed.”

“I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.”

“Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind.” He paused for a moment and then
said, “I have one more question…”

“What is that, my son?”

“Do I have to tell him the war is over?”

Don’t Mess With The I.R.S!

To: All Male U.S. Citizens From: I.R.S. Service Center Re: Notice of increase in tax payments The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependants and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1, 1998 your penis will be taxed according to size.

——- The categories are as follows: ——- 10 – 12 inches…….Luxury Tax $
30.00 8 –
10……………Pole Tax $
25.00 5 –
8…………….Privilege Tax $
15.00 4 –
5…………….Nuisance Tax $
3.00

Males exceeding 12″ must file a capital gains return. NOTE: Anyone under 4″ is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!                                                                  Sincerely, Pecker Checker I.R.S

“Doing it” by profession

Accountants do it with Double EntryAcupuncturists do it with a small prickAmbulance drivers come quickerAustralians do it Down UnderBankers do it with interestBartenders do it on the RocksChess players check their MatesCops do it with cuffsDJs do it on requestDeep-sea divers do it under extreme pressureDentists do it orallyDetectives do it under coverDon’t do it with Bankers, most of them are TellersFiremen do it with a big hoseFrank Sinatra does it his wayGarbagemen come twice a weekGardeners do it in the bushesGas attendants pump all dayHousewives do it for an allowanceJockeys gallop hard and finish fastLandlords do it the 1st of every monthMountain climbers like to be on topMilitary do it on command!Pianists touch, tickle, and titilate!Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it’s freeTruckers do it in the roadTravel agents do it in lots of different placesWaiters and waitresses do it for tipsWatch out for tennis players – love means nothing to them!

Yo moma so

yo moma so stupid she thought Dunkin Donuts was a basketball team

yo moma so fat when she got on the scale the scale said to be continued.

There is a blond on the plane

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on
an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the
plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat
and starts shouting, “BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO…..”

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the
noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts “Be silent!”

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde
and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment,
concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, “OEING! OEING!
OEING! OE….”

Not Half Bad

There were 2 old-maid sisters… both virgins. It’s Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, “I’m not going to die a virgin… I’m going out and I’m not coming home ’til I’ve been laid!!”Betty says, “Well, make sure you’re home by 10 so I don’t worry about you.”10 o’clock rolls around and there’s no sign of Gladys… 11 o’clock… 12 o’clock… Finally about 15 after 1:00 AM the front door flies open. In runs Gladys… straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, “Are you okay, Gladys?” No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. “What is it, Gladys? What’s wrong?” asks Betty. “Betty, it was 8 inches long when it went in… and 4 when it came out. When I find the other half you’re gonna have the time of your life!!!”