There are a lot of folks that can’t understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.
Well, here’s the answer: It’s simple. nobody bothered to check the oil.
Didn’t know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical.
All the oil is in Alaska, Texas, and Oklahoma,
and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
Q. What’s the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence!
Hab a cierta vez un tipo llamado Bernardo Berm dez. En el d a de su aniversario de casados, su esposa (que ten a la costumbre de poner en cualquier obsequio que le daba las iniciales del marido) pensaba qu regalarle.
Se le ocurri entonces tatuarse una B en cada nalga, cosa que hizo inmediatamente. Al llegar el tipo del trabajo, ella le dice:
“D jame ense arte tu regalo.”
La mujer se desviste y se empina, para que el marido pueda verla en todo su esplendor.
Acto seguido su marido pregunta: ” Quien es BOB?”
You might be a rednack if…You’ve ever worn hunter’s orange to church. You have barnyard animals living in your house.Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, “Gun control is a steady hand.” Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.You have ever shot a possum on your porch. You don’t use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you can’t see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors’ dogs when they get into it.You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup. You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house….not including 22 caliber.You have guns in your house that you cannot find. You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches. You think Wal-Mart is expensive.You’ve got more guns “On Display” than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods. You have ever written a check for less than a dollar. Your horse wears shoes, but you don’t. It doesn’t bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted. You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel. You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word. Your dog is your alarm clock.
Dave called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner. “Hello?” said a little girl’s voice.”Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” said Dave. “Is mommy near the phone?” “No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Kevin.”After a brief pause, Dave said, “But you don’t have an Uncle Kevin, honey!””Yes I do. He’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!””Okay, then. Here’s what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Kevin that my car just pulled up outside the house.””Okay, Daddy!”A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.””And what happened?””Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.””Oh my god! And what about Uncle Kevin?””He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he’s dead too.”There was a long pause, then Bob said, “Swimming pool? Is this 555- 7039?”
You’re a redneck if…. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your
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Gravity – It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?Life is too complicated in the morning.All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized AutobiographyNobody’s perfect. I’m a Nobody.My wife said “If you go hunting or fishing one more time I’m going to leave you” …I’m sure going to miss her.Ask me about my vow of silence.Today’s subliminal message is: ( )
A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. ”Show the lady your finest mink!” the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, ”Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.””No problem! I’ll write you a check!””Very good, sir.” says the shop owner. ”Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.”So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, ”How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn`t a single penny in your checking account!!””I just had to come by,” grinned the guy, ”to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!”
Una se orita va a la iglesia a confesarse:
“Perd neme, padre, porque he pecado”.
“Bueno, hija, cu ntame tus pecados”, le responde el cura.
“El otro d a estaba caminando por la calle cuando me encontr con un viejo amigo. Fuimos a tomar un caf y empezamos a charlar, despu s fuimos a su departamento e hicimos el amor. Y como yo soy tan fr gil…”
“Fr gil, hija, se dice fr gil”, interpone el padre.
“Bueno, al d a siguiente estaba sentada en la plaza cuando de repente se aparece otro amigo. Empezamos a charlar y despu s terminamos en mi departamento e hicimos el amor. Y como yo soy tan fr gil…”
“Fr gil, hija, fr gil,” dice otra vez el cura.
“Y ayer estaba con mis amigas cuando se apareci mi novio. Empezamos a conversar, y despu s fuimos a su departamento y como yo soy tan… Ay! Cu l es esa palabra, padre?”
“Puta, hija, puta”.