Category Archives: Funny Jokes

Free funny text jokes

When Chelsea Clinton was young she walked…

When Chelsea Clinton was young she walked in on her mom getting out of the
shower. Pointing to her chest she asked her “What are those?”

Hiliary’s response was “Oh honey, those are my breasts.”

Chelsea asked “Will I get breasts?”

“Yes, when you’re older.” said Hillary.

A day or two later Chelsea walked in on her dad getting out of the shower.
Pointing towards his penis, she asked “What’s that?”

Bill responded “Oh honey, that’s my penis.”

Chelsea asked “Will I get a penis?”

Bill responded, “Yes, when your mother leaves.”

Tuns of Puns! Part V

What’s the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids won’t eat broccoli.

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.

What’s the difference between the capital of Russia and a calf’s mother?
One is Moscow, the other is cow’s ma.

Where did the vegetables go to get drunk?
The Salad Bar.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.

Where does a one-armed man shop?
At a second hand store.

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump Dump DUMP!!!

Which of these things don’t belong: A tuna, a lobster, or a Chinese guy run over by a truck?
The tuna. The other two are crustaceans.

Who delivers puppies when the Vet isn’t available?
The mid woof.

Why can’t a woman ask her brother for help?
Because he can’t be a brother and assist her too.

Why did the big moron fall off the roof and the little moron didn’t?
Because he was a little more on.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the opossum it could be done.

Christmas Raffle

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub, a week before Xmas, enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided to get in on the Xmas raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize – a whole year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize, six month’s supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize – a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

“Great,” said Tom. “I love spaghetti.”

“So do I,” said Dick. “And how’s the toilet brush, Harry?”

“Not so good,” Harry said, “I reckon I’ll go back to paper…”

Poopy poop poo

how do you know if you know if your best
friend is jo!!!!!!!!
when you walk out the door of your traler

and he is there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Half A Job

“This little computer,” said the sales clerk, “will do half of
your job for you.”

Studying the machine, the senior VP said, “Fine, I’ll take two.”

Letter to Send to People Who Won’t Hire You

[Date Today]

Dear [Interviewer’s Name]:

Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Acme Inc.’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

[Your Name]

Nun beaten badly

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said……….

“Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?”