Category Archives: politics

Top 16 Lesser Known Presidential Executive Privileges

16. Executive dibs on fries in the bottom of the bag… anywhere, any time, *any* bag

15. Authorized to dispatch towel-wielding Secret Service agents at White House pool parties to apply stinging “rat tails”

14. “You’re Greek? Hey, come on up to my place tonight and we’ll lob a couple of missiles at Istanbul.”

13. 5-Day video rentals from Justice Thomas’s “personal collection”

12. Prerogative to suspend constitutional prohibition on “Cruel and Unusual Punishment” should he feel like appearing in public wearing gym shorts

11. The “President’s Dozen” — 15 doughnuts for the price of 12 at all DC doughnut shops

10. Platinum membership in The Players Club AND front-row seats at any Wrestlemania event

9. In case of pants-too-tight emergencies, there’s Gertie, the little-used corset-cincher left over from the McKinley administration

8. When competing on Jeopardy, not required to answer in the form of a question

7. Goodbye, Extra Value Meal — hello, Super-sized Extra Value Meal with Apple Pie and Milkshake!

6. Somebody piss you off? Make their yard a national park and it’ll be wall-to-wall Winnebagos.

5. Can order lawn mowed by upside-down Marine Corps helicopter

4. One GET OUT OF LAWSUIT FREE card per term

3. Allowed to bring bucket of fried chicken to opera performances at Lincoln Center

2. Commander-in-Chief status + surplus Partiot missiles = 1 bitchin’ 4th of July!

1. Unlimited Murphy’s Oil to maintain Vice President’s natural wood-grain luster

Janet and Hillary

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks…………
Hillary says to Janet, “You’re lucky that you don’t have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill….and there’s no telling where he last had his pecker.”

Janet responded…”Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that’s “politically correct” for ugly), doesn’t mean I don’t have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.”

Hillary asks, “Well how do you deal with the problem?”

Janet says, “Whenever I feel that a guy’s getting ready to make a pass me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart I can.”

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed to bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him…, she tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and asks, “That you Janet?”

Top 15 Supreme Court Practical Jokes

15. Out with the legal brief, in with the legal thong!

14. Leave the seat up for Justices O’Connor and Ginsberg.

13. Clarence sat through the entire morning session with an “Impeach Me” sign taped to the back of his robe.

12. Rehnquist always sneaking references to Baywatch into his dissenting opinions.

11. “Officially” changed national anthem to “Gangsta’s Paradise” and re-worded Pledge of Allegiance to say “One nation under Coolio.”

10. Solemnly telling death row inmates they’ve overturned their conviction and then yelling, “PSYCHE! Turn on the juice!”

9. Tell the guys at Court TV that the Supreme Court will rule on the existence or nonexistence of Santa Claus.

8. Load everybody into Souter’s Taurus and drive by Bork’s house blasting Aerosmith and honking the horn.

7. Secretly replacing the courtroom’s Secret Service guard with Rusty the Bailiff.

6. Calling up Dominoes and sending 55 pizzas to the White House when the President is hosting a State Dinner.

5. Replace U.S. law books with Singapore law books and watch the wackiness ensue.

4. Can of white paint over Justice Thomas’ chamber door just as funny now as it’s always been.

3. Spend a couple of days on your deathbed, just to get the President’s hopes up.

2. Announce the decision to hear the controversial case of Spy vs. Spy.

1. Radio-controlled “whack-a-mole” too much for any gavel-holding judge to resist.

What’s a Monica?

A guy walks into his local bordello and picks out a girl. They go back to her
room and start to discuss prices. She says, “It’s $100 for a blow job, $200 for
straight sex, and $250 for a Monica.”

“What’s a Monica?” he asks.

“That’s where I blow you now and screw you later,” she answers.

Spelling Bee

Ted Kennedy, Bill Clinton, and Al Gore are in a spelling bee. Who wins?

Al Gore, he’s the only one who knows that “harass” is one word.

The Top 16 Items in the “Republic of Texas” Constitution

16. Tax code allows deduction for one hostage takeover/standoff per family, per year.

15. Every Thursday: 2-for-1 drinks at Hooters!

14. Nobuddy shuld be descrimnated aginst, less’n he’s from New York (or is otherwise Jewish or Muslim or somethin’), or is just kinda dark or differ’nt in some way.

13. Barbecued ribs are legal tender for all debts.

12. Congress shall make no law restricting the size of hats or belt buckles.

11. Citizens to receive one vote per gun owned.

10. Constitutional amendment requires 2/3 majority of both houses of legislature. Either that, or Tom Landry’s say-so.

9. The right to bare breasts, but only on cable, dammit — not in real life.

8. Vegetarians count as 3/5 of a person.

7. Freedom of religion: you can worship the Cowboys *or* Willie Nelson.

6. Civil disputes that cannot be resolved in court shall be settled by a chili cook-off.

5. Freedom of Delusion.

4. No citizen will be charged extra for gravy on French fries.

3. Cold beer cans can be used as “testicular temperature regulators” when operating a motor vehicle.

2. State bird: Raised middle finger.

1. You have the right to `e on the cover of Trailer Park Trash Magazine.