Dr. Stranton died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. While trying to get
through, he was stopped by St. Peter. “Now hold on,” said the M.D. “I’ll have
you know I was the biggest specialist in Chicago. You’ve got to let me in.”
“Sorry,” said St. Peter. “You have to go to the rear of the line and wait
Dr. Stranton moved to the back of the queue and stood there. Suddenly, he
spotted a man dressed in a green operating outfit, wearing a surgical mask and
a stethoscope, walk past him and then straight through the Pearly Gates.
Stranton rushed up to St. Peter and shouted, “what’s the meaning of this? I
was here before that man. How dare you let him in?”
“Sorry,” explained St. Peter. “That’s God. You see, he thinks he’s a
Q:what did the little mermade wear
A:an alge bra
Two guys were out fishing in the ocean one day and not catching anything until one of the guys caught a strange looking fish. “Ha Ha said the other guy, we’re out here to catch salmon and you come up with that ugly thing.” “No wait! the other guy says, This is much better, watch this. The guy unzips his pants and puts his penis in the fishes mouth. Then he pokes the fish in the eye, the fish goes crazy wiggling and squriming and then calms down. The guy pokes the fish in the eye again and the fish wiggles and squirms again to the guy’s delight. Finally the guy takes the fish off his pecker and says to his friend, “you want to try this?” His friend looks at the fish then at him and says’ “well OK if you promise not to poke me in the eye.”
One day, a little boy and his dad went fishing down at the lake. they were sitting there for a while without catching anything when the boys dad pulls out a beer and starts drinking it. “can i have a sip of that father?” asked the little boy. his father replied “does your dick touch your ass?” “no” the little boy answered. “then you can’t have any beer”his father added. a little while later his father pulls out a cigar and starts smoking it. “can i have a puff?” asked the little boy.his father replied “does your dick touch your ass?” “no” the boy answered. “then you cant smoke my cigar” the father added. after a while the boy hooks a big fish and starts to real it in. once it was realed all the way in they realized that it was not a fish, but it was a big wodden box. they opened the box to out find that it was full of money. “can i have some of your money son?” asked the boys father. the boy replied “does your dick touch your ass?”. “yes” his father answered. the little boy concluded “well then go fuck yourself”.
A driver is stopped by a police officer.
The driver asks, “What’s the problem officer?”
Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”
Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.” (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt.”
Man: “Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt.”
The man turns to his wife and yells, “SHUT YOUR MOUTH!”
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”
The wife says, “No, only when he’s drunk.”
Did you hear about the guru who refused to let the dentist use
novocaine to numb his mouth?
The guru said he wanted to transcend dental medication.
An English Literature professor saw a performance of Hamlet in London. During the scene at the end of the third act where Hamlet is verbally berating his mother, the actor portraying Hamlet ripped all his clothes off and stood up straight with full frontal nudity.My professor could not comprehend this interpretation until he was on the plane coming back home to the states. He informed his wife that it was ‘a tribute to Willie’.
1. Economists are armed and dangerous: “Watch out for our invisible hands.”
2. Economists can supply it on demand.
3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.
4. You get to say “trickle down” with a straight face.
5. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out.
6. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there.
7. If you rearrange the letters in “ECONOMICS”, you get “COMIC NOSE”.
8. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue.
9. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.
10. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand. The data is later entered later by a into their database by a clerk.
One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the clerk called the farmer directly.
“Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?” sheasked.
“Yeth.” lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the clerk entered: “Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs.”
Three guys were stranded on an Island. one was named justin, one timmy, and one eric. the men came across a genie’s lamp and wished to go off the island. the genie agreed but said you must bring me one piece of fruit by this time tomarrow. they agreeded and came back with fruit. the first man brought a bananna and the genie said if i can shove this up your ass without you making any noise, you can leave. so the genie started and the man laughed half way up. the genie said “why did you laugh?” the man said it tickled. the second guy, timmy, brought back grapes. the genie started and with one grape left timmy busted up laughing and the genie said “why did you laugh?” and timmy said ” beecuase i just saw eric coming around the corner with a watermelon.